WWYD? Contact with ex

[Squeezedtillipop]

Pretend you’re a grandmother. Your primary age grandchild has come for tea. Your daughter is separated from his Dad, as a result of his being abusive and controlling. Your daughter has already had to start legal proceedings regarding the ex’s parental alienation and manipulative behaviour.

The grandchild decides he wants to talk to his Dad whilst he’s at your house.

Would you text the ex son-in-law and say “Toby is going to call” and then have a little text back and forth? And then not mention it to your daughter...

Or

Tell Toby he can call his Dad when he gets home.

I’m the daughter in law. AIBU to think she shouldn’t have any contact with him and should have told grandchild to wait and phone from home? And is very disloyal?

Buuummmpp

I'm separated and have a primary aged DD and would be happy for ex mil to call me to speak to DD and I wouldn't have a problem with my mum calling ex if DD asked.

I can understand if it was a recent break up or there was abuse or anything it may be different

I agree with you that you should decide when your child has contact with her dad and not your mum.

The fastest way to lose your dgc imo...

Hmmm your DM overstepped

I’m a little confused. Are you the daughter in law or the daughter? I.e. was this your mother-in-law allowing grandchild to call his father (her son) or was it your mother allowing grandchild to call her ex son in law?

In the first paragraph you say you are the daughter. In the last you say you are the daughter in law.

Since there are allegations of parental alienation and manipulative (towards the child?) behaviour I think the call was inappropriate. The grandmother should have either said "Wait and ask your mum" or tried to call her daughter to discuss it.

But honestly, if I had left an abusive relationship I would be hurt beyond belief if my mother had ANY contact with my STBX without my knowledge, regardless of the context.

shes way out of line. She should have waited and spoke to you first.

that was not her place to make that call, even if there was no abuse... that is your ex and she should not have done that!

I think that in most circumstances children should be free to call their parents but I don't understand why the grandmother was texting back and forth. Surely the child can just call.

I am indeed hurt beyond belief. She for her part seems unable to fathom how disloyal this is.

@Squeezedtillipop

I am indeed hurt beyond belief. She for her part seems unable to fathom how disloyal this is.

And IMO that makes her, if not a 'danger', certainly someone to be kept an eye on. At this point, can she even be trusted with any of your 'confidences'? Should she even be in a position to facilitate contact of any kind between your child and ex? What would be next, taking DC to see his dad without clearing it with you, or worse, over your actual objections?

You unfortunately can't stop 'her being her' and you can't make her abide by your wishes if she won't accept 'just on faith' that your reasons are sound.

But at this point I think I'd give a good deal of thought as to whether or not I'd want to leave my child with her unsupervised. And I'd definitely wouldn't tell her anything I didn't want my ex to know. Not saying she's 'siding' or being vicious on purpose, or that she'd set out to harm your child. Just that she obviously doesn't have good judgement, at least in this situation.

Is this your mum or his. I'm a bit confused as you mentioned ex son in law and daughter in law.

If this is your mum then she should be asking you.
If this is your ex's mum then she should be asking you and I'd now not let her have unsupervised contact.
If this is your wife's ex MIL I'm very confused why you're getting involved.

Why can't he just phone his dad whenever he wants to?

Could this be why he waited until he was at his gran's house to ask?

Is this a one off or typical of her behaviour?

If a one off, it’s possible she was taken back by surprise and wasn’t sure what was the right thing to go by her grandchild. You really need to make sure she knows exactly what is and what is not acceptable and the boundaries. If she then crosses them, yanbu. If she doesn’t know, then it’s understandable you feel how you do but also understandable that she might not have known better.

Always tough being the MIL in this situation. Given the age, I think I’d pass the decision making back over to mum but ask what to do in the future. If DGC was older and had a mobile I’d leave her to it.

Sorry, just noticed granddaughter is grandson.

or your child senses how much hatred you have for their father so only feels comfortable asking to speak to him when you are not around ?

I think children should be allowed to speak to their parent when they need to regardless of who they are with and it's important to support that. Making it about loyalty makes it tough for the child because sides are being taken.

That said, I have an abusive ex, who continues to be abusive & has filled DC's head with poison for years - so I do truly understand why you're upset & feel the way you do.

So what would the grandmother have done if the abusive Ex now knowing that the child was at her house came over and demanded the child? If the police had been called then the child would probably have had to be given to him as he would still have PR and then potentially not given the child back. The phonecall was very foolhardy.

I’m confused, is this your mother who allowed this or your mother in law (with your ex being her son)? Depending on which it is- this would really change the dynamics of the scenario.