to feel trapped by my abuser with no way out?

namechangescaredmum · 2021-11-22T11:14:50+00:00

I was in an abusive relationship with the father of my now 3 year old. He took me to court to get access and it was denied due to his abuse and his inability to admit or accept what he had done. He hasn't seen our son in 3 years due to this. He was denied his place on a perpetrator programme which was his last chance to get access as he was still denying his behaviour even after a fact finding in court. For context, he was emotionally abusive, was abusing to our then tiny baby by roughly handling him, he put his health in jeopardy by refusing him a health appointment to get at me (it was serious and involved our babies heart), he racially abused me, he used coercive and controlling tactics against me for years and harassed me and threatened me after I left. These were all found in court. He also raped me but they didn't find this in court as not enough evidence and I froze on the stand. It doesn't change that he is a rapist. He last minute decided he was a changed man and swayed the courts to allow him to do the perpetrator course, which of course he is doing well on as he sees it as a way back in to our lives. He is not going to change and I am terrified because he is essentially months away from being back in our lives. I feel suicidal, depressed, terrified, and so, so sad. I cry every day. I hate myself. I would never, ever do anything silly but it doesn't mean the thoughts aren't there. How the hell do I cope with this without falling apart?

tallduckandhandsome · 22/11/2021 11:18

So sorry to hear this, OP.

Hopefully people will be in soon to offer qualified advice.

Where do you both live? Is there any possibility of moving far away?

Dillydollydingdong · 22/11/2021 11:19

Is there no way you could disappear, OP? If it was me I'd move away, maybe to the other end of the country. But it's probably not going to be possible for you, financially or practically. I do sympathize OP. Maybe someone else will come up with some ideas

AssassinatedBeauty · 22/11/2021 11:20

Firstly I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, it must be very upsetting to have to think about him at all.

Have you been advised by anyone (Social services? Your own solicitor?) what is likely to happen after and if he "successfully" completes this perpetrator course? Will he be able to go back to court to ask for contact with your DS? If so, have you been advised that this course is enough for the courts to justify some level of contact?

Even after completing this course, his previous actions are so serious that I cannot believe that he would be allowed anything other than brief supervised contact in a contact centre.

Bessiebigpants · 22/11/2021 11:22

Are you being supported by an advocate from a domestic abuse service if not either self refer or ask your health visitor/gp to refer you They will support you in your next steps and how to stay safe, you do not have to have contact with this person

Original poster

namechangescaredmum · 22/11/2021 11:25

@tallduckandhandsome

So sorry to hear this, OP.

Hopefully people will be in soon to offer qualified advice.

Where do you both live? Is there any possibility of moving far away?

I already moved 3.5 hours away but I'm with family now. Bar moving to Scotland which I'm not allowed to do I can't get much further without totally isolating myself.

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Original poster

namechangescaredmum · 22/11/2021 11:27

@AssassinatedBeauty

Firstly I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, it must be very upsetting to have to think about him at all.

Have you been advised by anyone (Social services? Your own solicitor?) what is likely to happen after and if he "successfully" completes this perpetrator course? Will he be able to go back to court to ask for contact with your DS? If so, have you been advised that this course is enough for the courts to justify some level of contact?

Even after completing this course, his previous actions are so serious that I cannot believe that he would be allowed anything other than brief supervised contact in a contact centre.

He is looking for contact, regular, moving from supervised to overnight. The courts are in agreement if he changes his ways, which he won't because he is incapable.

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Original poster

namechangescaredmum · 22/11/2021 11:28

@Dillydollydingdong

Is there no way you could disappear, OP? If it was me I'd move away, maybe to the other end of the country. But it's probably not going to be possible for you, financially or practically. I do sympathize OP. Maybe someone else will come up with some ideas

You can't just disappear when you're in family courts. It's illegal and would have really bad consequences

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Original poster

namechangescaredmum · 22/11/2021 11:29

@Bessiebigpants

Are you being supported by an advocate from a domestic abuse service if not either self refer or ask your health visitor/gp to refer you They will support you in your next steps and how to stay safe, you do not have to have contact with this person

I am. They still don't have any say in whether my ex will see our son though. I don't care about me, I care about our son being hurt

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Original poster

namechangescaredmum · 22/11/2021 11:30

I'm so scared I just can't cope with this

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Original poster

namechangescaredmum · 22/11/2021 11:40

Basically, there is every possibility that I will have to hand my happy, content, secure, beautiful little boy over to someone I know will hurt him. How do I do that? Could you do that? Fuck I don't know what to do I am panicking

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AssassinatedBeauty · 22/11/2021 11:50

Ok, it's important to realise that there any many many steps this man has to go through successfully to ever get to the point where he might be allowed unsupervised contact with your DS. Firstly completing the course and managing to persuade the courts that this is sufficient to warrant contact. Given that this man is a total stranger to your DS, any contact is going to have to be for short periods of time in a supervised setting. Then he will have to demonstrate that he is able to be left unsupervised and that it's in the interests of your DS to do so. And that it isn't a way to continue to exert control over you.

Do you have your own family law solicitor?

Original poster

namechangescaredmum · 22/11/2021 11:54

@AssassinatedBeauty

Ok, it's important to realise that there any many many steps this man has to go through successfully to ever get to the point where he might be allowed unsupervised contact with your DS. Firstly completing the course and managing to persuade the courts that this is sufficient to warrant contact. Given that this man is a total stranger to your DS, any contact is going to have to be for short periods of time in a supervised setting. Then he will have to demonstrate that he is able to be left unsupervised and that it's in the interests of your DS to do so. And that it isn't a way to continue to exert control over you.

Do you have your own family law solicitor?

I don't. I can't afford it. I just paid off the debt from the previous court hearings and I can't get in to debt again. I'm exhausted by it all. The family courts I truly believe will see the course as enough. He is not stupid. He will not be abusive in front of others. He will wait until he's behind closed doors. He's going to fuck up our son if he gets unsupervised

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AssassinatedBeauty · 22/11/2021 12:05

Have you seen a website called rightsofwomen.org.uk ? They have a legal advice helpline and other information online that might be of use to you. They might be able to help with working out if you qualify for legal aid. Given that the courts have accepted that your ex was abusive towards your DS, legal aid might be possible. I'm not any kind of expert here, but it's something that could be explored.

Santaischeckinglists · 22/11/2021 12:11

Imagine contact in a contact centre. You won't be in the room. Sadly your ds will be with your ex. An unhappy ds isn't what his mind is implying he will get... Will he take this well? Will he get annoyed and frustrated? He will be being observed op... His facade will have slipped long before unsupervised contact is granted - if it is.
Imo.

LakieLady · 22/11/2021 12:38

OP, your post made me so sad for you.

His chances of getting access, especially unsupervised access, any time soon are slim. This will be a long, gradual process. And he may not be able to satisfy the people at the perpetrator course that he is no longer a threat.

What you really need is support with your mental health, so that you are in a better place to deal with this. Have you had any sort of counselling or therapy to help with the impact his abuse has had on you?

I wonder if Women's Aid might be able to point you to an organisation that might be able to support you through this.

PicsInRed · 22/11/2021 12:45

You moved 3.5 hours away, realistically, will he move to you? He wont have much contact if he lives 3.5 hours away, possibly every other weekend, more likely holiday contact. This would be further into the future IF he maintains contact in the meantime.

Contact will almost certainly start with indirect, letters, phone calls etc.

Stay away from him, "grey rock" him in all respects except for only required communication around the child, and hope he gets bored and finds someone else.

Original poster

namechangescaredmum · 22/11/2021 12:49

@PicsInRed

You moved 3.5 hours away, realistically, will he move to you? He wont have much contact if he lives 3.5 hours away, possibly every other weekend, more likely holiday contact. This would be further into the future IF he maintains contact in the meantime.

Contact will almost certainly start with indirect, letters, phone calls etc.

Stay away from him, "grey rock" him in all respects except for only required communication around the child, and hope he gets bored and finds someone else.

He can't, he has another child from a previous relationship who he has contact with.

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PicsInRed · 22/11/2021 15:21

He can't, he has another child from a previous relationship who he has contact with.

Perfect, sit tight, "grey rock", do indirect contact where ordered by the court to start to see if he can maintain it over more than short term, with view to limited overnight in the medium term. You must show the court your willingness to cooperate - you cannot prevent damage under this family court system, only minimise it. It's awful, but try to find acceptance of this and work within it.

Well done on moving far away to your family, what a master stroke. Hopefully he gets bored if you aren't interesting enough for him anymore as it will be all to much effort for him.

Sharletonz · 22/11/2021 15:27

I feel for you. I'm in breach of an interim court order and up for enforcement action next week because my ex is so dangerous and I'm terrified of him.. The day he gets unsupervised contact fills me with dread, is there anyway you can involve your local authority? Whilst I understand the court comes above all.. The local authority can provide strong views that can influence any decision.