To worry having kids is doom and gloom because of all the negativity on Instagram/Mumsnet

[OrangeSnorkel]

I am ttc currently but keep finding Instagram (and to some extent posts on here but at least the posts here are where they are designed to be) so terrifying. I am weighed down by all these 'reality of parenting'/pregnancy/post partum bodies stories to the point I am expecting doom and gloom.

I am glad there is more open dialogue about how challenging conception, pregnancy, newborns and general parenting is. I get how important it is. However I follow some Celebs and some more 'normal' Instagram mums. I also get a lot of targeted marketing and posts on babies. I get how parents need to be comforted they aren't alone. But it is really making me anxious that I am going to keep on struggling to conceive, have a terrible birth, ruin my body forever, be lonely, struggle to feed my child in any way and then live life dealing with tantrums and money struggles forever more. I do know lots of that is the reality sadly and how supportive this all must be to people in those various situations. I'm not naive. But I also feel like there are no positives around children anymore. I have tried to stop looking so much and do some unfollowing to balance things out.

Reassure me this is just a stage and my Instagram algorithm has just gone a bit overdrive.

I worried the same. Then I had a baby and it was the most brilliant thing that had ever happened. Five years on I am still grateful every day. But noone wants to see people post this stuff, so mums who feel like this feel we have to stay quiet.

It's no secret that being a parent is really, really hard. If you feel you might not be able to cope with what might happen then maybe it's your subconscious urging you to think again about whether you really want children or not. If you were feeling secure in your decision then no amount of Instagram posts about sleepless nights would put you off.

Other paths are available

Being a parent is work. And everyone moans about work. Doesn’t mean you can’t love it.

I think a lot of people too are worried about appearing braggy or like they don’t also find parenting hard if they talk mostly or only about the positives.

I have tried to stop looking so much and do some unfollowing to balance things out.

Try harder then?

I mean there's no way you're going to decide not to have children because of the internet.

So given that you're keen to be a mother, stop sabotaging yourself.

Being a parent is bloody incredible.
It’s is also hard work and you spend a lot of your time worrying. Worrying about if they’re fed, happy, healthy, safe, kind, successful etc etc
Also worrying about if you are a good/crap parent.
For most people family life is a balance between joy, drudgery, fulfilment and angst. Mostly the food outweighs the hard bits.
People often don’t post about the daily good bits and small wins a sit comes across as boastful or try hard.

That should read the good out weighs the bad! Not the food!

Having babies / children is really really hard sometimes. In fact a lot of the time. A lot of it depends on your situation / how much support you have / personality of your child(ren) . But you live them so much it's all worth it! It's like nothing else. My two (2 and 3) are utterly amazing, I'm in awe of them constantly and I love them SO MUCH. But all of the hard things you listed are true / potentially true !

Live = love

I know 100% I want children. And I imagine the highs and lows and how I hope to parent and the things I already look forward to. I know it will be tough and is a job (a job I will take on on top of my paid job).

But the narrative seems to be that it is 10 times worse than you can ever imagine and hideously hard. People talk about mothers pre-parenthood as if they are naive idiots who had ridiculous expectations and didn't appreciate their life pre-kids.

Honestly, OP, give yourself a shake. Are you actually considering not having a baby because of the Internet?

There are challenges along the way when you do anything worthwhile. If you want kids then when you do get pregnant it is incredible. Do you never wonder why people go back and do it again and again? Feeling your baby grow inside you, seeing them on the screen of the ultrasound, finding out the sex. The birth, meeting them for the first time, those early snuggles. Then when they get older and can chat to you and make you laugh, make you cry, learn amazing new things everyday. It's the best thing I have ever done in my life.

When people share their struggles quite often the message is intended to be - don't struggle like me. Tell someone, tell your doctor if you're feeling down all the time or your body has changed in some way. Medicine is available. Can't breastfeed? Formula is available. Scared of birth? Ask for a c section. It can be challenging but help is out there. It's a big change in life, a big shock to the system. But if you're ready for it and you want it then take the plunge because when that baby is in your arms it's like nothing else on earth.

Whilst all of those things are experienced by many parents many parents don’t experience all of those things. So yeah there’s a good chance you’ll hit a few bumps in the road but the chances of your experiencing every possible negative aspect of parenting your reading about is slim.

Stop reading about how hard it all is, unless it’s about puppies in which case it’s not only as bad as you’ve read but a thousand times worse!

OP I'm 7 weeks pregnant and I feel exactly, exactly the same as you. It's billed not only as a horror show, but one a childless person can't even imagine!

I am a single parent to a nearly 2-year old so admittedly there are many years ahead where I may decide it's shite but at the moment she's magical. There are hard moments and days but because she gives so much back I can't say it's hard overall. You see the world through their eyes and it's wonderful and new and exciting again. You see their little personalities start to appear and you could burst with pride and love. When they start to actually give affection of their own accord...those snotty kisses and squeezy cuddles are to die for. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's hellish to just get out the front door or there are massive tantrums when I really need to do something else but that isn't what I'm thinking about when she's in bed and I'm sat downstairs recovering. I'm remembering how she absolutely charmed every person she met when we went to the supermarket, or how she was trying to colour in the lines and don't I have the cleverest baby ever, or how serene she looked when I peeked at her napping earlier.

Oh and not that anybody sees it 😂 but my body isn't knackered now. I didn't get stretch marks, I did have a bit of loose skin on my stomach but it's gone now. Some women will be in perfect shape a week after, some will be totally fucked, 95% of us are somewhere in between amd have a few war wounds initially but more or less look the same a couple of years later.

The thing is, the negatives are tangible and very easy to describe. The positives are harder to describe (and you sound like a bit of a smug twat if you try). There are bits of parenting that I have found harder than I expected - I thought beforehand that I was a person who did well on little sleep, but it turned out that I'd just never been the specific sort of tired that drives me mad! - but the biggest shock has been just how good it is.

It's trendy now to be a fed up parent on social media. Trendy to be pulling your hair out and reaching for a bottle of wine at 3pm.

Without a doubt it's tough work but better than being shown perfect kids, homes and relationships. Unrealistic and makes people feel like crap that they don't have the perfect nursery or labels for baskets.

The likelihood is it'll be like somewhere in the middle of the two versions. Unfollowing certain instagrammers has done me the world of good.

But the narrative seems to be that it is 10 times worse than you can ever imagine and hideously hard. People talk about mothers pre-parenthood as if they are naive idiots who had ridiculous expectations and didn't appreciate their life pre-kids.

I know it's not what you want to hear OP, but sadly I think this is actually pretty spot on. IMO it's an experience different to any other, far harder than I could ever have imagined it to be and in hindsight has made me realise that there are plenty of things I took for granted in my "old" life that I sorely miss now. Doesn't mean parenting isn't wonderful in equal measure, but it isn't easy either.

I suppose if you know it's what you want then you just need to be more selective about what you read 🤷🏼‍♀️

You wouldn't seriously consider changing your mind because of strangers on the internet.

Also, it is bloody hard. It's harder than I ever imagined it could be, every aspect of it has been a challenge, but a lovely one at that. Even the bits that I didn't enjoy at the time (namely my nipples being so dry and cracked that I thought they may just crumble into little bits of dust), I look back and actually miss that my baby doesn't need fed in the night anymore. It all goes very very fast and the positives far outweigh the negatives, that's why people have more

To be honest op it is 10x harder than you can ever imagine but also you love them 10x more than you can ever imagine so its ok. There are ups and downs. It is a 24/7 difficult job and you can't appreciate how difficult it is until you are in it but its worth it and its not all bad. You'll be fine whatever you decide to do.

Apparently having realistic expectations of what being a parent might be like makes it less of a ‘shock to the system’. I read this somewhere ie that being realistic makes people cope better than blindly thinking it’s all going to be easy-lovey-doves-blissful-harmony... I think it was true for me: visiting friends and family with little ones often before I had dc showed me how exhausting/relentless having children can be, so when we had dc I expected it to be hard work from the beginning. I think it means I wasn’t shocked like some people I know who were more naive to it all...

A good friend told me this years ago (she has teenage children): having children is both hard work and the most amazing experience ever. I couldn’t agree more, this is 100% true - it is exhausting and also such an amazing life changing experience.

You will be fab OP - it helps that you’re realistic, you will have some of the struggles you’re worrying about but not all of them... and you will also love your dc so much (not necessarily the minute you meet them but eventually)..

People also tend to forgot the hard bits over time. When people tell me my baby is content I always say 'he's such a happy boy, he always has been'. Then I think back to when he wanted to breast feed every half an hour, when I was so sleep deprived and crazed that I shouted to my DP that our son had TWELVE TOES 😩😂

I think it's like running a marathon, or climbing a mountain or doing a PhD - it's hard work, and a lot of the time it's quite unpleasant, and it would be horrible doing it if you hadn't chosen to, but it's also amazing and fulfilling and fun and satisfying.

I do think it was much, much harder than I could imagine, and that I was naïve and didn't appreciate life without kids beforehand. But I don't think anything could have prepared me. And if I could go back and choose over again, I'd definitely still have the children. But I would have made a lot of other changes in my life to ease the pressure a bit, especially in terms of household division of labour, and relationships with childfree friends.

@abenbaked

People also tend to forgot the hard bits over time. When people tell me my baby is content I always say 'he's such a happy boy, he always has been'. Then I think back to when he wanted to breast feed every half an hour, when I was so sleep deprived and crazed that I shouted to my DP that our son had TWELVE TOES 😩😂

Absolutely - which leads to the next stage of the people who tell women TTCing that parenting is awful; the people who tell the parents of newborns 'this is the easy bit, you know!'. Some people love being a prophet of doom - so learn to take it with a pinch of salt now, OP!

It’s amazing and it’s hard work, but generally more hard work in the sense of if you’ve ever had a job or project your really passionate about but requires you to work crazy hours etc and has its ups and downs to it. It’s partly luck or the draw whether you have an easy pregnancy, birth, baby, toddler, teenager, happy adult etc but either your likely to get a mixed hand. You learn lots along the way which helps. If you’ve got a good solid relationship and base to go from, supportive family and a positive, adaptable attitude then you’ll probably find it a much better experience than someone who hasn’t.