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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL to be guardian of DC after my death - but we don’t get on!

28 replies

BIAx3 · 21/11/2021 22:10

Neither dP or me have much in the way of family or long standing friends who are able to take on kids if anything happens to us

Currently reviewing wills and realise that we need to nominate someone … in case

dP has a sister he is close to but I am not . She’s a bit of a cold fish when it comes to me but v kind to the kids. In theory

She lives and works abroad half the year so we actually only see her for 2 / 3 weekends a year , Max !! Even less recently

She gets on with the older kids - but not surprise babba who came along 4 years ago and she has hardly seen

But she is the only one we can nominate realistically

She a d DP get on brilliantly but not so much she and me

I feel like we need to fix our relationship - in case
But if I am dead , will it matter ?
DP and I aren’t exactly alike and differ on most stuff, and the kids and I have nothing better in the table

aIBU?

OP posts:
CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 21/11/2021 22:20

A more pressing concern is how she could look after your children if she lives and works abroad for half the year. Would she be willing to change her job so they had stability?

ellenpartridge · 21/11/2021 22:21

Honestly it doesn't sound like she is suitable or necessarily likely to be willing... I would have a rethink

RedDeadRoach · 21/11/2021 22:25

Would she even want to do it?

Pretending that you like her so that she will look after your kids if you die seems a bit mercenary.

Landof · 21/11/2021 22:28

Sorry I can't get past your last sentence. When you say you and your DP differ on most things but you and your kids don't have anything better on the table, do you mean in the way of a father / partner? Surely this is the bigger issue?

Longdistance · 21/11/2021 22:30

She sounds unsuitable.

toomuchlaundry · 21/11/2021 22:31

I assume she meant no better guardian on the table.

Putting guardian in your will is not legally binding. It might be decided by social services that SIL is not the best person for a variety of reasons eg having to relocate DC

SickAndTiredAgain · 21/11/2021 22:32

Have you or DP checked that she’d even be willing?

AnnaSW1 · 21/11/2021 22:44

But you don't need to get on with her as you'll be dead!

SeasonFinale · 21/11/2021 22:49

We didn't have family down as guardians for our kids when they were under 18 but good friends who had similar views on education. My family were abroad, cousins not local and DH's family not suitable either.

Does your SIL even want to be named as guardian? Why not choose a friend you like? It will only come into effect if both your DH and you pass away together

unfortunateevents · 21/11/2021 22:49

Presumably this only applies if both of you have died? So thankfully very unlikely to come into play? Yes definitely important that you ask your SIL if she is even in a position to undertake this role if called on.

Cameleongirl · 21/11/2021 22:52

If she lives and works abroad half the year, how could she realistically look after your children? Tbh, she doesn't sound like the right person to nominate, you need someone who's comfortable with children and is willing to devote time and resources to raising them.

You certainly need to ask her whether she's willing to be nominated - if she is, that would imply that she's willing to make the life changes necessary to raise them. Also, as a PP mentioned, you don't have to nominate a family member, close friends who share your values might be a better fit.

Overthinkingx3 · 21/11/2021 22:59

We don’t have much to do with each other

However she is a lovely aunt when around and would want to be there for the kids

Fuuuuuckit · 21/11/2021 22:59

There's nothing to say that even if she agrees to become their guardian, that she has to quit everything to look after them. She could appoint someone else to do it if funds allow - full-time childcare, nanny, housekeeper etc, or residential school. Or the care system.

If funds are scarce then it's solely goodwill from her or indeed anyone else you appoint. The children will be looked after, but this could again mean in the care system.

Is there nobody else you can ask?

WonderfulYou · 21/11/2021 23:01

I don’t think you have much of a choice.

But I wonder how she would be able to provide for them if she works abroad - Is giving up her job something she’s willing to do? You definitely need to have a conversation with her.

gogohm · 21/11/2021 23:03

The only concern is would she be willing and have a capacity to parent bereaved children? If the answer is yes then that's your answer, you won't be around to argue with. Ultimately is likely to be the one even if your don't nominate someone?

Stompythedinosaur · 21/11/2021 23:03

We have a guardian for our dc who parents very differently to me and who I don't hugely get on with. But she would be a hell of a lot better than my dc going into care.

DriftingBlue · 21/11/2021 23:05

It doesn’t matter if you and she are friends, it just matters if she would be a safe a good parent to your children. Her lifestyle doesn’t make her an obvious candidate.

At first, our best candidate seemed to be the sibling who lived closest and who could keep our dc in as similar in an environment as possible. As dc got older though, we realized that particular personalities made a much more distant sibling a better candidate for guardian. If something happens to us, it will be a big adjustment for dc no matter what, but I do trust the selected guardian to always do the best possible for dc. That is all that matters

starrynight21 · 21/11/2021 23:05

If she is kind to the kids, I'd say that's more important than whether you and she get on ? You wouldn't be around anyway.

People who say "she works away so she couldn't do it" , well if the horrible thing happened and her brother and his wife were both killed , I'm sure she would take her guardianship seriously and change her working situation.

I wouldn't overthing it. She's a blood relative and she's nice to the kids. To me that would be a win.

NellieBertram · 21/11/2021 23:06

I would do my best for my sibling's children even if I hated their spouses. I don't think you need to become friends with her.

Realistically, she might "oversee arrangements" for the children rather than take physical custody of them if she is single and works abroad.

Overthinkingx3 · 21/11/2021 23:06

To clarify
It is in the unlikely situation that dP and I both die at the same time
She is willing. She is close to DO and loves the kids … would be willing to make changes if needs be

Friends may be willing
but it’s not an easy ask to take on 4 kids if people are in difficult marriages , family situations , have kids of their own or have the single kid free life

It’s a lot to burden someone and she is the only person who would really put her neck on the line

Thing is - she is just not very nice to me and makes it clear she thinks I am not worth her while . We have zero contact but she has offered to take the middle boy away for a couple of nights quality time treat wjen she’s back in the U.K. next month

We can barely indulge him ourselves and have to balance the other kids
It is so kind of her to take an interest and so nice for the kid who is in turn for favour …

Reminds me of aunt March in little women… but who am I to refuse this ?

starrynight21 · 21/11/2021 23:08

I nominated my brother in law - he wasn't my favorite person but I knew he'd be willing and the kids got along with his kids who were the same age. Sometimes you have to be pragmatic about it - would the person be willing / would they be nice to the kids ? If so, go for it.

TableFlowerss · 21/11/2021 23:37

Without sounding harsh, just because someone is nominated in a will, it doesn’t mean they would take on someone else’s children.

It’s a horrible thought to think what would happen if both parents die but I think you’re overthinking it, because the choice would be whether she would be willing to do it. Not everyone would.

ittakes2 · 21/11/2021 23:43

she would be looking after her brother's children - not her brother's wife's children if you get the drift - the real issue would be is would she be prepared to dramatically alter her lifestyle.

Overthinkingx3 · 22/11/2021 07:25

Obviously
If we both die, there would be a sale of assets and insurance, we have it all set up with a lawyer - so funds won’t be a terrible issue for her to provide

Her job spec is about to change - tho she has said that forever . She should be more U.K. based . Who knows - the older kids may be teenagers and could go to boarding ( with house sale etc , we could cope with this )
Or maybe even be adults - in which case they would be joint guardians with her for the younger ones

The lawyers would stay in trust to oversee all

Whilst she is happy to be nominated - she could of course drop out at any point.
Amd we may live forever…

Capferret · 22/11/2021 08:00

My dh and I come from big families.
I still didn’t choose them as guardians.
My bf and her dh were guardians.
They are the people I felt would raise our dc how we would want.
My family weren’t happy but I made the decision for our dc not them.
All adults now but my 2 still adore my bf.
She has proven to be more consistent in their lives than their aunts and uncles.

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