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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to choose the presents

26 replies

RightsaidMum · 21/11/2021 21:33

Long story short - always been a bit of an issue with my husbands ex being a little controlling. We mostly do things her way and mostly that's fine as the kids live with her.

So, Xmas has always been a bit of an issue. I've known the kids for 6 Xmasses now. We are never allowed to have them on Xmas day, we get 2 nights from Boxing Day onwards.

She tends to go all out for Xmas - this year for example they've each got 11 presents from her. There will more from other family members. She sends out lists each year telling everyone what to get. For the last few years this has been rather irritating for me. Largely because:

The first few Xmasses when we did as we were told, their kids barely liked anything, and she duplicated loads of stuff so there were tears etc cos they'd already got a few of the presents the day before.

Our financial situation/way our money comes in means I use money to buy the presents for all the kids, including mine. There are 7 kids in total so it's an expensive time of year, so unfortunately wants have to be balanced out with cost.

Alot of stuff got abused by their kids last year (I got them all Fire tablets as requested and they were broken/lost within months)

I feel no joy in the giving process when it's just been dictated by the ex. Although the oldest of their kids often tells us themselves what they want so that's not an issue at all.

My kids don't really make lists - and I never send lists out to family members because I think it's rude.

We've tried talking to her but she got really weird about it and said that I shouldn't be involved at all because they are his kids and surely he wants to feel the joy of buying the stuff/choosing. Yet that makes no sense because she still wants him to get stuff from the lists she sent.

We've asked the younger ones and nothing matches up with anything on the exes list, as little kids tend to change their minds loads.

Also, we really can't afford a tonne of stuff this year, and as they already have 11 presents coming from her, I feel perhaps they need slightly less from us? I haven't got ky own kids nearly that many.

OP posts:
BonesInTheOcean · 21/11/2021 21:35

they are his kids and surely he wants to feel the joy of buying the stuff/choosing.

well let him crack on then, step away

LyraVega · 21/11/2021 21:38

YANBU for not wanting her to dictate what you and your DP buy them, but i do think it should be more on your DP than you Smile

Original poster
RightsaidMum · 21/11/2021 21:50

Tbf, he's not really any good at present buying. For anyone. I'd still have to give him all the ideas 🤣

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 21/11/2021 21:55

Like hell I'd let DP's ex dictate this with their kids. We just grey rock with her and do as we want.

Spacerader · 21/11/2021 21:55

I 100% would not be dictated to about what to get.

Dp and yourself can chose gifts yourself, it really does have nothing to do with thier mum what they have at thier dad's house in terms of gifts. As long as the children like them that's all that matters.

On a side note, I know everyone has different expectations of what is an acceptable amount of gifts, but 11 does not seem excessive at all. It actually seems the norm to me.

Original poster
RightsaidMum · 21/11/2021 22:22

Ah yeah, perhaps it is to some families. I think if they're getting 11 from her, then 4 from my husbands mother, then 2 or more from her dad, plus her sister and mother are also getting stuff... with ours too it makes it LOADS but it's different for everyone, I accept that.

Perhaps it depends what you get.

OP posts:
teaandbiscuitspleaseplease · 21/11/2021 22:39

To be honest I always send my ex a list of suggestions for DD’s birthday / Christmas (he does ask for my opinion), so I don’t think it’s that unusual.

Sometimes he follows my suggestions, sometimes he doesn’t. Usually it will be something I suggest plus something he has picked himself. Sometimes I think his choices are a bit crap but I don’t comment on it and DD is polite enough to say thank you.

A bit of communication is important when children have two households, otherwise you’re more likely to duplicate things. Just consider her list as suggestions and don’t get too hung up on it. She can’t actually control what you buy.

Hunderland · 21/11/2021 22:43

This is not your job and the more you believe your DH can't do it without you the more you'll care.

Trust me. Step away. Does he work? Keep himself clean? See friends? He is an adult but neither you nor his ex are treating him like one.

Original poster
RightsaidMum · 21/11/2021 22:55

@Hunderland

This is not your job and the more you believe your DH can't do it without you the more you'll care.

Trust me. Step away. Does he work? Keep himself clean? See friends? He is an adult but neither you nor his ex are treating him like one.

Absolutely he does! He takes care of the majority of the household bills which is why I usually take care of Xmas. Neither of us earn alot though.

Of course, I could easily just leave him to do it. I just enjoy it, it doesn't feel like a chore. But to him its just stressful.

OP posts:
Original poster
RightsaidMum · 21/11/2021 23:00

@teaandbiscuitspleaseplease

To be honest I always send my ex a list of suggestions for DD’s birthday / Christmas (he does ask for my opinion), so I don’t think it’s that unusual.

Sometimes he follows my suggestions, sometimes he doesn’t. Usually it will be something I suggest plus something he has picked himself. Sometimes I think his choices are a bit crap but I don’t comment on it and DD is polite enough to say thank you.

A bit of communication is important when children have two households, otherwise you’re more likely to duplicate things. Just consider her list as suggestions and don’t get too hung up on it. She can’t actually control what you buy.

Yes... not getting hung up on it all I think is key!

I deffo think liasing is good, to ensure no duplicates, but she is literally sending gift lists with links and is disregarding anything we have said.

Thing is, if we said we were doing our own thing and she accepted it, then no biggie. But she keeps on? We are on the fourth time she has asked if we've got the stuff on the lists. It's the fourth time we've said no, that we've bought what we think they'll like/ideas they've given us over the year etc.

Ugh. Why does Xmas need to be tricky?! I leave my ex alone to sort himself out.

OP posts:
cheesypasta · 21/11/2021 23:04

I'd just get them what you want to get them - possibly asking them yourselves what they'd like - and then whatever the ex says I'd say 'dh got the presents and he just thought they'd love a wormery' Grin or whatever. Both stick to the story that he chose everything.

cheesypasta · 21/11/2021 23:06

Ok, how is she contacting you? And is it you or your dh? Either don't reply or say you're still doing your shopping or some other evasive reply.

ThurstonArmbrister · 21/11/2021 23:22

On a side note, I know everyone has different expectations of what is an acceptable amount of gifts, but 11 does not seem excessive at all. It actually seems the norm to me.

I can't remember a Christmas when I got 11 presents in total, never mind from one person.

unluckyinlife · 25/11/2021 14:32

I dont think 11 gifts is excessive personally but think you should be able to decide what to get them.

My DC probably have 11 or 12 each this year. they also get gifts from grandparents and aunties and uncles as well as a couple of my friends.

After everyone else's gifts it is overwhelming but the DC have a rule that they all must fit in their toy cupboards and storage. So we sort out toys they no longer want and give them away to others or charity so all the new toys fit. x

Upamountain43 · 25/11/2021 14:39

This is your DH problem - not yours. I think divorced parents talking together about what presents to get is a great idea. What you as the Step mum gets them should be outside this and you get them what you want.

Original poster
RightsaidMum · 25/11/2021 14:43

Yes, talking about us great. I just think if it's dictated it's not really a discussion. With scoffs of "ugh, you don't even know your children" thrown in, it becomes a chance for a bitchfest rather than constructive discussion.

Also what happened to children just, being delighted about receiving a gift? When has it become a necessity for kids to proffer an exact list and parents just fill the order?

OP posts:
Original poster
RightsaidMum · 25/11/2021 14:43

I agree it's not my problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
RightsaidMum · 25/11/2021 14:47

She messages him all the time

I get the odd WhatsApp. After we tried to tell her wanted to do it on our own this year, she got very personal, and then days later set up a WhatsApp group for her to send the lists to. Tbh my dh isn't very assertive with her and just didn't respond. So recently, we just had another msg asking if we had got the specific thing on a list... so she hasn't taken it in at all.

Fwiw, she's always said he is "terrible" at choosing gifts and I think that's why she gets like this at Xmas.

OP posts:
Excited101 · 25/11/2021 14:48

11 presents really isn’t that many, it just comes down to how much you can afford and what the presents are, really! She shouldn’t be dictating what is bought but I do think it’s a bit sad your children don’t write lists or have any say, and it’s helpful for relatives to know what they’re interested in/what they don’t have already if they want to buy for them!

Thebookswereherfriends · 25/11/2021 14:48

I think you need to ignore what the ex is saying. If you've asked the kids what they would like and have bought reasonable presents for them then that is fine. Just don't respond to the ex. She cannot dictate what her ex buys his kids (even if you are the one doing the choosing and buying, she doesn't need to know that).

Original poster
RightsaidMum · 25/11/2021 14:51

Oh, god, they deffo do get a say! We ask them what ideas they have and what they really really really want... but I can't be handed a gift list and be expected to get them all. This is what I tell my children.

It's actually really hard to make it feel fair with finances and presents when you're buying for a blended family. Not easy at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
RightsaidMum · 25/11/2021 14:53

Yes, ignoring is best like you said.

She's very difficult to ignore, sadly. She just keeps on. And if he doesn't respond, she messages me

OP posts:
thing47 · 25/11/2021 14:54

To be fair to the ex, you have said yourself that DH is no good at present buying. She probably discovered that for herself when they were married and so feels it's safer to provide a list.

That said, you aren't under any obligation to buy off her list, and you, OP, certainly don't have to entertain any messages from her if you don't want to.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/11/2021 14:57

I would just take the list, nod your head and just buy them whatever you want anyway

Santaischeckinglists · 25/11/2021 15:12

Please block her. She has no right to be messaging you and bullying you. Which imo sending Xmas demands is...
Get the dc whatever their df wants to buy them. Guidance from you is acceptable!!
She needs to stfu imo.