Past mistakes

[sukieinthegraveyard]

I am 50 and have recently been having a lot of flashbacks to when I was 16 to 18 years old. It has really freaked me out as I think I have pretty much blocked out everything that happened in this time.
I had a very unusual and traumatic time of it all the way through school and met someone when I was 16 who was a couple of years older than me.
He was actually nice to me, and we ended up together for 2 years; he wanted marriage, I kind of knew it wasn’t going to be forever, although during this time we were pretty much inseparable, but a bit like an old married couple. I became pregnant early on in our relationship and had a termination.
I ended up going to do my nursing training and he became very insecure and possessive. We finished a couple of times and after the second time he took an overdose of paracetamol. Luckily, he was ok, but think only just.
I was so angry with him and only visited him once in hospital - had a right go at him when I saw him as well.
I didn’t contact him after this.
Don’t know why but this has really started to bother me after all these years. I have googled him and he is still living in the same area while I moved away.
I am now happily married with children and just don’t know why this sudden regret at treating him badly has hit me out of the blue - I just can’t stop thinking about it and how badly I treated him after his suicide attempt. I have since been badly hurt too; know how awful that feeling is, but that was years ago as well and just don’t know why these feelings have hit me so hard now.
Thought about contacting him to say sorry, but then “Let it Be”!plays in my head and I think wise to leave it.
Am I being unreasonable after all this time to feel regret?

Hello, I fully understand your post as I too feel like this about events in the past and cringe and want to kick myself for not dealing with things correctly back then and how I wish I could go back and change things. I don't have any advice I'm afraid, just wanted to say you are not alone.

Thanks Haribo, it’s weird how you can subconsciously shelve things. I suppose it’s all about not dealing with something at the time and I guess these things always come back to you somehow.
Thanks for your post - would be nice to have a time machine wouldn’t it

I have had those feelings of regret too - you have to learn to forgive your younger self 💐

I think it is more than ok to look bad and realise there may have been different ways to have dealt with something in your life.

But I also suggest you look at it another way too - it is highly likely that the over dose he took was an attempt to win you back and keep you with him (although a very risky thing to do). If you had got back with him, this might have been a cycle that continued throughout your relationship and your life would have turned out completely differently. Given that it didn't work, it might have also been a learning curve for him that such displays and risks don't always get what you want. Potentially the way you did react might have given him a dose of reality and changed this from being a crutch/action for him to rely on in future relationships.
It sounds like despite that, you have had a very fulfilling life. Make peace with what you did, you can't change it now - whatever you do, don't go down the rabbit hole and feel you have to reach out - I don't think that will end well.

Yes you could have handled the situation better, but you were a teenager. Not many grown ups would be able to handle s partner purposely taking an overdose let alone a 17/18 year old. And to be honest you were lucky/wise enough not to get sucked into any emotional blackmail, so in a way your ‘unkindness’ was actually a good thing in the long run.

Thanks for your replies, and purplenebula and Pinksy thanks for your advice and giving me a different perspective on this.
Hope you find this useful too Haribo and Luna.