To be so sick of my Anxiety, it's like I've forgotten how to be normal.

[ThesecondLEM]

That's it really. I'm just so tired of it. Been on meds for about 12 years and whilst it doesn't cripple me the way it used to, it's always there. All. The. Fucking. Time.

I've just left a high stress job (issues with management, short staff etc) to the same role within another company that doesn't appear to have these issues, it's good, I'm able to do my job well and I think I'll develop professionally.

So why is the anxiety nipping away at me spoiling it all? I know it's stressful being new but the anxiety is making me fall into depression.

I can't up meds, I'm on maximum dose and I really don't think it's a good time to change or stop them.

I'm dreading Christmas, my mum died last Christmas, on the day I was putting my tree up so I am torn about putting the tree up. I haven't even had her ashes scattered as i haven't been able to face it.

I'm not sure if that is why I'm feeling so low. I honestly just want to be in bed the whole time. Either reading or on my phone. I'm not really engaging with my family.

This has to stop but I don't know how.

You are still grieving and the first anniversary is very hard

There is no right way Dont do the tree this year if you don't want or maybe put it in a different room this time.

Maybe some bereavement councillors would help?

❤️

Thank you, I suppose you are right. It was awful when mum died, she was in a care home so I couldn't see her and I'll never forgive myself that I wasn't with her. She was an incredibly difficult woman and life had been tough for a while.

The day after she died we all got covid and were laid up for about a month before I could sort arrangements, then had a week to clear her house 😱. It was a blur.

But now it's like that's the past now and I should have moved on. I miss her, she drove me mad and was impossible but my God, I miss my mum so so much.

There are no rules about how quickly you should move on from a death and it is made especially hard if it was a complicated relationship to start with as you have all of that to unpack as well.

I hate the phrase 'be kind to yourself' but am yet to find a suitable replacement. It fits here. Don't put pressure on yourself. You sound like work is going okay and that's good. If you come home every night and collapse on the sofa, that's okay too. Slow and steady wins the race with anxiety. Been there and got the T-shirt.
It's bloody exhausting and relentless and joy zapping. Don't add pressure to yourself.

I've just recently finished a round of CBT which I was VERY cynical about beforehand but it has really helped. Not for everyone though, granted.

Covid has also made bereavement even more difficult. My dh lost his mum just before covid kicked off and he wasn't allowed in the ambulance and we couldn't have more than 6 at her funeral 😢that creates an awful lot of guilt for those close and left behind.

Take your time and see it as a roller coaster rather than a straight line. You will have ups and downs and no set path