AIBU to want to spend a ‘Christmas’ day with my family

[Lei8133]

I’ll try to keep this short & sweet.

DP and I have been together 5 years. He has a child from his previous marriage (aged 8) and we have a 7 month old together (DS).

DP and I moved in together last year and this year will be the first since we got together that DP is not working xmas period and therefore able to spend the day with me. Previous to us living together DP would celebrate with at his parents on a day that he wasn’t working, in 5 years I have spent ‘the day’ with them on one occasion.

DP’s daughter lives with her mum full time and spends all school holidays with us. Previously DP would have her at his parents on whatever day they were able to celebrate, due to him working.

Bit of background, my Mum (single mum) passed away 2012 and so me & my two siblings are ultra close and usually spend xmas day or Boxing Day together.

Now the problem is that it’s DS’s first xmas and DP’s mum is very excited for us to spend the day with their family, I have agreed that I am happy to spend the day there. DP has made arrangements with his parents and ex wife to collect his daughter, visit his parents from xmas eve and leave the evening of Boxing Day. Because all the family (his sister BIL & their children) will be round his parents Boxing Day. I argued that if this was the case why are we going xmas day, and not just Boxing Day as I would like to spend one of the ‘xmas’ days with my family. I.e. xmas day or Boxing Day… given that this is my first child’s, first xmas. He argued that we live closer to my family so can see them at any time… AIBU to want to spend one of the xmas bank holidays with my family.

P.S. he has never spent xmas with my family

I agree with you op. If they're doing the big family thing boxing day, go to them boxing day and spend as with yours

DP should have asked before committing you to 2 nights at his parents. Maybe you could spend Xmas eve and half of Xmas day with baby and your parents then meet him at his parents later on Xmas day?

Why does he think you need to spend two days with his family and none with yours? Selfish arse. I would see your family both days and leave him too it.

Thanks all, I was starting to think maybe I was being ‘extra’ and causing an unnecessary fuss. Defo nice to hear that others share my sentiments. @SleepingStandingUp & @Mojomarvel I made both these suggestions and was met with ‘your family lives closer (mine are an hours drive away and his an hour and a half) I already said we would do xmas round my mum’s’ and also that ‘it’s what you make of it… why can’t your family do something on the 27th!’

Well, he’s not really into creating his own family with you, is he?

A hard look at the reasons why he is divorced in the first placed might be in order before you go any further.

Try saying that his plan is fine but, to keep it fair, next year you'll expect him to spend the time period with your family. If he accepts that then I don't think he's being unfair. If he doesn't then he's an arse.

He sounds like a
: no wonder his ex left him:
Kinda man :)

Hell be double divorced by next year

@Obbydoo

Try saying that his plan is fine but, to keep it fair, next year you'll expect him to spend the time period with your family. If he accepts that then I don't think he's being unfair. If he doesn't then he's an arse.

Agree this is a good way out. Either alternate the whole period or do a day each. You're giving him the choice. I can see alternating might work better so DSD can spend it with her mum every other year too.

I know you won't get another first DS Christmas to spend with your family, but actually he'll be far more engaged with it all next year when it's their turn.

@TheSandgroper

Well, he’s not really into creating his own family with you, is he?

A hard look at the reasons why he is divorced in the first placed might be in order before you go any further.

If you trade it for all Christmas next year you will have to be very very clear, and will he say a flat no because of his dd? It’s very obviously not what he’s suggesting with his whiny childish ‘your family are only an hour away and my family are an hour and a half away’

I’ll go against the grain and say it’s not unreasonable given that he works so frequently over xmas. The likelihood is you will go to your family more often than not while your children are small.

This year is a 4 day xmas. I’d do 24-26 with his then 27-28 with yours. Having to drive somewhere between xmas and Boxing Day is always a pain and means you just get half a day

YANBU. He and his family aren't more important than you and yours. He needs to pick a day, not monopolize both.

His plan may make logistical sense, but he really should not have made arrangements for multiple days without talking them through with you. Even if you happily agreed to Christmas Day with his family, the overnight and the addition of Boxing Day should have been a jount decision. He's now put you in a situation where your objecting after the fact can seem petty/unreasonable and disruptive especially because it impacts both his parents' plans and his daughter's and her mother's - but he created that situation. Going along with it risks his repeating this kind of unacceptable behaviour in the future, so I'd be really clear IF you agree to this that it's a one-off and he has to run plans by you before committing in the future, no exceptions.

I don’t think it’s that unreasonable, see your family on 27th/28th, it’s a four day bank holiday this year so plenty of time to see them too

I agree with you. Forgetting all the backstory and whatever, if his family are doing their big thing on boxing day then you're family should get Christmas day.

He sounds really selfish to be honest! As for his family - it sounds like they didn't want you before but now you come 'with a baby' it's a different story. No wonder he's like he is. Put your foot down. Why can't you spend Xmas Eve with your family, pick up his daughter & have overnight & Christmas morning at home with your own little family , then go to his parents at some point on Christmas Day?

When our kids were babies / toddlers we used to do one family Xmas day the other Boxing Day and then swap round the next year, kept everyone happy but was quite full on and often meant I did two days of hosting or a big drive on one of the days but it kept it fair
Since the kids are older and there are other grandchildren we are now in a pattern where we see my family Christmas afternoon and in laws 27th/28th as they see sil Christmas Day plus dh often goes to football On Boxing Day.

@Obbydoo

Try saying that his plan is fine but, to keep it fair, next year you'll expect him to spend the time period with your family. If he accepts that then I don't think he's being unfair. If he doesn't then he's an arse.

Thanks everyone. I think mat. Leave had me slightly out of sync as I keep forgetting xmas falls on a weekend so extra bank holidays. Also the suggestion that we do this year round his family and next year with mine is a good way to compromise. And it’s true, DS will be a lot more alert and involved next year so more enjoyable to watch. I think the fact that he just agreed to a plan without considering me/my family p’d me off the most and then to argue with me as if I was being a total cow… but you live & you learn ey?

You are not being unreasonable.

It should be one day with each family, if not celebrating alone or with them all.

I think I’d say to him that if you spend the two days with his family this year you’ll be spending them with your family next year. If he doesn’t like the sound of that you might be able to find a compromise for this year.

@gingerbiscuits

He sounds really selfish to be honest! As for his family - it sounds like they didn't want you before but now you come 'with a baby' it's a different story. No wonder he's like he is. Put your foot down. Why can't you spend Xmas Eve with your family, pick up his daughter & have overnight & Christmas morning at home with your own little family , then go to his parents at some point on Christmas Day?

Extremely disrespectful to arrange something without consulting you and for that alone it would be a hard No from me.

As he's such an arse, you need to establish firm boundaries quickly.

He will treat you as disrespectfully as you will tolerate.

Spend the day with your family and start putting your foot down.

Such disrespectful is usually not in isolation.