Feel like I can't leave baby with DH

[drainedandconfuslng]

I've recently had my first baby (4 months nearly) and my DH just can't seem to handle the crying. She's teething for the first time and she is fussing continuously And screaming a lot, but whenever I ask him to hold her he just sighs and puffs and complains the whole time (swearing etc) He's always telling me how annoying he finds her and I just don't know what to do.

I've told him so many times that she's not doing it intentionally and that babies just cry. I'm sick of his attitude and have stopped giving her to him in most instances, but I'm EXHAUSTED. I need a breather.

So, Aibu and should I just let him whine moan and get on with it? Or is he being a total arse? I don't know what to do!

DH is the same. In fact I posted on here at my lowest ebb and have had to really take stock of what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour. Yes he’s being an arse. But it’s ok if he’s struggling. He just can’t take it out on you or DD. My DS is 4m too. Feel free to pm me.

I'd be really questioning what sort of person he is if he can't even hold his sad daughter and comfort her without swearing and huffing and puffing and saying how annoying he finds her. I'm not saying LTB but it would give me pause for thought.

I think you need to talk to him and tell him it isn't acceptable behaviour. If he's struggling, he needs to talk to the GP but he still has to parent.

What would he do of you left the house whilst she was crying?

Congratulations on your first little one.

Teething is tough. Mine needed a bit of pain relief when it was especially bad and trying to sleep.

Regarding your husband, you have to talk to him. He is being an arse about it, but human beings are evolved to react to a baby crying, so his annoyance is somewhat understandable. But, as a parent he needs to work through it and not leave it all to you. I'm sure you don't find it pleasant either. It's a difficult job that you have to share.

It's really not okay for you to be afraid of leaving your babies with their dads.

It's not normal for men to behave like this. I would talk to your midwife or GP and ask for help to access support in your area.

It sounds like he actually just thinks that it's your job, and the huffing is designed to get you t9 do exactly what you are doing - taking her off him.

Tell him he will never get used to it without practice so he'd better just crack on, and ignore any huffs.

Out of interest, does he normally huff, sigh and sulk when he doesn't get his way?

No it’s not OK.

He needs to understand that you find her fussing hard to, but you need a break. It might help if you formalise the slots a bit, so you each take turns doing one thing in the evening, and you each get a bit of a lie in in the weekend (or a few hours off if your are BF), snd a fortnightly slot to see friends.

It would not be ok in normal life, but particularly out of line with a new baby. Presumably he was on board with making a baby? It is hard to be a new parent but huffing and swearing is not going to make it feel easier. He is doing it so you won't ask him to do any care. CF behaviour.

Your poor baby. She can tell he doesn't want to be around her so she's fretting more when he's got her.

I agree with PPs that he sees parenting as your job.

I have a 5 month old. He's never said he gets annoyed when the baby cries but he clearly can't handle it and wants to hand baby back to me the moment baby cries. I could he having a 10 min shower and he feels the need to pass baby back to me saying baby is hungry. He can't cope. It's weird.

So it's not exactly the same but I can't leave baby with DH either.

He’s not wrong the crying is hard to hear (biologically it’s meant to be) and it’s frustrating when you don’t know what to do BUT what’s concerning is the swearing, complaining and just dumping it all on you.

Babies can push us to our limits and rather than swear and get angry (which is what he sounds like he’s doing) he needs to put her down some place safe and walk away for a minute or two. Moreover he needs to put on his big boy pants and realise that this isn’t just on you, it is not your sole responsibility to cope with a baby and if he needs a break then you sure as shit do too. You are in a partnership and he needs to realise that or else his value add is 0.

If he’s struggling he needs to communicate how he’s feeling and reach out for support but it does sound like he’s getting huffy because he just doesn’t want to deal with it.

Have you got a carrier/ sling? That worked wonders when DD was fussy, pop her in there and go out for a walk. Fresh air and being close to parent they tend to conk out. He could easily take her on a walk and let you have a 30 /40 min kip.

Re teething, you using calpol? A cool wet flannel is meant to help too, some people swear by the teething granules too not sure if they helped but my daughter loved the taste of them xx