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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant with 6 month old

53 replies

samantha29 · 21/11/2021 14:07

Hi.

I really need some advice. I have a 6 month old baby and have just found out that I am pregnant again. I would be happy about this but I am not in a very good situation…my husband has just left as he has suffered a lot of mental health issues after the birth of our first baby and I would be doing this alone. I don’t think i will be able to cope and I feel I need to terminate to prioritise the baby I already have.

OP posts:
altiara · 23/11/2021 08:55

I think you’re right to focus on what you can cope with and that’s bringing up your baby while your DH can’t cope.
You don’t want to be in a situation where neither of you can cope Flowers

Bancha · 23/11/2021 08:58

Just seen your latest post. I think you probably have made your mind up, then.

No, you shouldn’t feel guilty. I would say you’re making a tough decision in the best interests of your daughter. I think it would be more selfish to knowingly bring another child into a situation where you don’t think you’d cope and it would disadvantage both children. No one wins in that situation. I hope you find peace with your choice. Wishing you all the best.

Figgygal · 23/11/2021 08:59

I had a termination when my ds was a bit older than yours, my husband was having health issues he was self-employed at the time which was impacting our income I absolutely didn’t see how we could proceed without it having a detrimental impact on our child. we made the decision to prioritise ds and though it makes me sad it was absolutely the right decision at the time.
So totally understand the need to prioritise your current child

Babyiskickingmyribs · 23/11/2021 08:59

It sounds like you’d prefer to terminate OP. That’s ok. All your reasons are good reasons. Do you think you will feel guilty or are you just worried that it’s a possibility? Remember even if you do feel guilty you are likely to feel other emotions too. You might feel really relieved for example.

It would also be fine if you decided you want to keep the baby. Both choices are valid ones.

You can talk this decision through with counselors from the abortion providers. In the UK BPAS and Marie Stopes both offer this.

BunsOfAnarchy · 23/11/2021 09:04

Thing is there is no right or wrong.
If you have the baby, you'll manage somehow and you'll be fine.
If you don't, you'll still manage and you'll be fine.
Ultimately its whether you want this right now or not.
Personally I don't think you'll regret it either way.
Just do what you feels right for you. Your body your choice and whatever choice it is, it'll be the right one for you.Flowers

Notanotherusernamenow · 23/11/2021 09:05

Single parent family here (child of) my mum would not have coped with two. Definitely make the decision based on pragmatic and with your existing child in mind

FreeBritnee · 23/11/2021 09:09

You haven’t mentioned your situation outside of the marriage. Do you have family support? Do you work? If you will have lots of support I think you potentially could manage. If however your husband is your main financial and emotional support then I would focus on the baby you have.

Original poster
samantha29 · 23/11/2021 09:12

Yes I think I am worried that I will feel guilty as I have done some searching of posters that have regretted terminating…although I am aware that may not be the way I feel. What if I terminate and my mental health is affected?

I am going to speak to counsellor’s etc as I know I need to be sure, however, I really do not see a positive for having this baby…my pro’s for having a termination list is pretty much full..the only thing on the con’s side is fear of guilt???

My heart and my gut say terminate and protect the baby I already have.

I have also thought about if I want another baby in the future but I think that doesn’t alter the fact that this is the right decision now?

You have all been so helpful…x

OP posts:
DoubleYolker · 23/11/2021 09:20

Hi OP. I’ve had a termination and do not regret it. My situation was very different to yours, but equally I wouldn’t have coped with a baby at that time.

You’ll hear lots of stories of regret & guilt because it’s more socially acceptable to tell that story. But there’s lots of us put there who have had terminations and not felt guilty or regret because it was the right decision. Flowers

Rewis · 23/11/2021 09:37

People that don't regret termination are less likely to write about it. Just remember that.

I'm glad to see that you are seeing a Councillor. Good luck x

jeaux90 · 23/11/2021 09:41

My life as a single parent and 1 child is way easier than it would have been if I had two. My single parent friends with multiple children really struggle in too many ways.

Original poster
samantha29 · 23/11/2021 09:51

I think I am leaning more towards termination. That feels like the right thing to do, even if I did find it hard to deal with after…it still doesn’t make it the wrong choice. I think doing what is best for my existing baby is what makes this right. Sometimes mother have to make hard decisions for the benefit of their family and I need to bare that in mind. I can’t shy away from it for fear of guilt.

OP posts:
Bunnycat101 · 23/11/2021 10:00

There is nothing wrong with prioritising the daughter you have. What is your financial situation like? With one, you’ve got more scope to sort childcare and work if that’s what you want. Two babies would be extremely expensive if you were looking at childcare and probably prohibitively so.

StopGo · 23/11/2021 10:05

Go with what works for you. You are prioritising your existing child which is absolutely the right thing. Is STBXH giving you any parenting support?

Outnumbered99 · 23/11/2021 10:06

I don't think you have anything at all to feel guilty about if you terminate, there is absolutely nothing wrong in putting your older child, and yourself, first. Feel sad maybe, allow yourself that, but not guilty.

ikeepseeingit · 23/11/2021 10:09

Don’t feel guilty OP, you’re making a decision for your family.You don’t need any other reason than you want one 💕

TurnUpTurnip · 23/11/2021 10:20

Sounds like you made your mind up and there is no need to feel guilty, my sister had a termination and she doesn’t regret it, but she wouldn’t come online and post about it so your not likely to find people saying they don’t regret it just ones that do, you have to do what’s best for you.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 23/11/2021 10:29

I had a termination and afterwards felt awful, didn't think I would ever get over it etc.
Once the hormones settled I was fine and absolutely do not regret the decision.

You need to make sure you make the right decision for you and your daughter. Making your life more difficult won't help anyone.

hoomama · 23/11/2021 10:30

That is such a rough situation.

I would do what feels right to you. It sounds as though every part of you feels like termination is the right way to go and I've got to be honest if I was in your situation I would probably do the same thing.

I have had a termination previously. I knew it was the right thing to do. Everything about being pregnant that time just felt so wrong. I felt upset for a day or 2 but I have never regretted it. It was the right thing to do.

If however you do decide to keep the baby, do you have any family who can help & support you? I think that would be a massive deciding factor for me as well.

Do what feels right for you x

user1471457751 · 23/11/2021 10:40

@Mystermiow and had your husband just walked out on you when you found out you were pregnant again? Because if not, your situation isn't really comparable to that of the OP

Moancup · 23/11/2021 10:49

OP remember people don’t start threads about having an abortion with no guilt and not needing any support. I’m another one who had an abortion and have felt zero regrets since.

For some people abortion will be more complex but you still have to remember that continuing with the pregnancy isn’t risk free in terms of mental health (to put it mildly!)

1967buglet · 23/11/2021 11:13

Listen to your heart and gut, and don't feel guilty. Be kind to yourself. Sending you good thoughts

RuthsRedDress · 23/11/2021 11:15

OP, I have 0% regret about my termination. In fact it was the very best thing I did for my mental health at that time in my life.

So many people have no regrets, only relief. Please don't think you'll be wracked with grief, you may just feel grateful you had a choice as a woman, I know I did.

Good luck no matter what you do 💕

LittleGwyneth · 23/11/2021 11:41

You do not need to feel guilty, whatever you do. Whichever choice you make will ultimately be the right choice for you in the long run.

No-one here can really tell you what the best choice is - but I hope you feel supported here, and like you're not being judged.

User5252727 · 23/11/2021 12:08

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. At the moment you have a baby who needs your full love and attention. There is absolutely nothing wrong with putting her welfare ahead of a potential baby (which is all a pregnancy is at this stage).

You're a good mum making a loving and responsible decision in tough circumstances. That's something to be proud of, not guilty for.