To say I don’t want to spend anymore special occasions like this?

[ScatteredMama82]

My MIL is here for DS1’s birthday weekend (she lives a long way away so comes for a long weekend). DH and MIL have a very difficult relationship. He is a different person when she’s here. So many special occasions have been marred by the atmosphere between them. I understand why he feels the way he does about her, I support him entirely and I think his mental well-being would benefit from going NC with her but that’s not my decision to make or even suggest. I’m on edge the entire time she’s here, and I’ve had enough. When she is here, he isn’t really. He ‘checks out’, is withdrawn and pretty much avoids her as much as possible. I don’t want to spend Christmas like this. I don’t want to force his hand, but AIBU to say that, for these reasons, I don’t want her here over Christmas? DH is military and we’ve spent so much time apart over the last 3 years due to his posting, I want to enjoy our family time and not spend it with a knot on my stomach due to seeing how much DH struggles being around her.

Absolutely not being U. Why would you want to spend special occasions like that?

YANBU. Tell her kindly but firmly you are having Christmas alone.

Please tell him you're not going to tolerate spending Xmas like that. It's your Xmas too and life is too short for crappy holidays in the company of toxic people. Get him told. If he wants to see her, he can go to hers. He may even feel relieved that he doesn't have to make the decision.

Has she been invited for Christmas already?

Maybe you don’t have to force his hand. Maybe just saying you don’t want to invite her for Christmas and would support him if he wanted to go NC will be enough to give him the strength he needs to do it.

@Leeds2

Has she been invited for Christmas already?

No it hasn’t been mentioned yet. She usually comes though, alternating with FIL but he passed away earlier this year.

You need to tell him straight, he can be miserable around his mother but he doesn't get to make you miserable too. If he avoids her when she's there, who invites her? If it's him he needs to stop. He doesn't get to play the dutiful son while you do the hard work. If the argument is that she comes to see the DC, then tough. It's not worth paying that high a price, and if there are good reasons why he feels like that around his mother is she someone you want around your DCs anyway?

Thanks all. She’s gone home now thank goodness. I’ll talk to DH about Christmas now and hope he sees my point!

benefit from going NC with her but that’s not my decision to make or even suggest

No, it's not your decision to make but is most certainly IS something you could gently suggest. DH's mental health is very much your business.

Also, if he can only cope by "checking out", much of the social burden falls to you. I'm not blaming him btw (who knows what his childhood deal was)... simply suggesting that he might find an offer of solidarity from his wife in making your home a more MiL-free zone entirely welcome.

Agree that suggesting NC doesn't mean you're forcing his hand. It could really help him if he knows that going NC would be validated and supported by you. It could also be a lightbulb moment that makes him realise NC is a possibility - that realisation can be a very long time coming for people enmeshed in toxic families, even if it seems like it should be obvious from the outside.

Strike while the iron is hot! :)

Urgh, I brought it up after a convenient Christmas ad on the tv and now he’s gone all distant and is hardly speaking at all. He’s totally shut down, he was like this last time we saw her, really withdrawn and obviously seriously unhappy but totally unwilling to discuss it.

Don’t give up, keep being gentle about it, but see if you can get him to open up. It’s not good for him to keep this bottled up - I know you know this :)

@MzHz

Don’t give up, keep being gentle about it, but see if you can get him to open up. It’s not good for him to keep this bottled up - I know you know this :)

I do, thank you. I will let the dust settle this time and discuss when he's less emotionally bruised by her visit.