To think marital love definitely IS conditional

[Wazza89]

I’ve had quite a turbulent year and I think I’m suffering a bit of burn out. I’m taking ADs and my sex drive is non-existent at the moment, to be blunt. This is causing friction in my marriage! One of my issues is that I feel I don’t have enough “me time” (says every mum ever). My wonderful son is under the speech & language consultant for a potential diagnosis for ASD and neither my mother or MIL are able to help with childcare. I can’t afford to work due to childcare costs so I’m either taking care of DS or cleaning the house.

DH comes back from work and watches telly or goes upstairs to “game with the boys” once DS is in bed. After I’ve done the housework I want to watch tv or read a book but when DH comes down after his gaming session he has other ideas. This just irritates me so I mostly say no. Not only that but I feel we don’t do enough as a family as money is always an issue (despite him earning more than me and me still contributing to half the bills) and he’s not really interested in coming to family events with me and doesn’t seem to like half my friends (depends on his mood!). So I feel quite lonely half the time and I’m sick of trying to get this (rented) house looking nice only to be told how much he hates it and how it’s overpriced - despite not making any effort whatsoever to save money to look for somewhere else. However he wants me to respond when he’s affectionate with me and want sex as regularly as he does. We had a row today and he basically asked why it was “conditional” on my part! Why should he do exactly why I want so I have sex with him?

I think that’s absolutely ridiculous but I’m lost for words! I told him it is conditional and that’s that!

I struggle with this too. I definitely think for women that if things are good outside the bedroom they’ll be amazing in, and for men if things are good in the bedroom they’ll be better elsewhere in the relationship.

We are completely different species aren’t we? Venus/Mars all that.

He is not spending his free time with you, but thinks you should be up for sex whenever he deigns to join you?

You're not a sex doll. YANBU.

Yes, of course YANBU. Adult relationships are conditional, or mutual if he prefers that expression. Is there mutual support, care, affection? Or is it all one way?

Sex is always conditional on both parties wanting it. Is he really expecting you to have sex with you even when he know you don't want to? Does he know what that means?

Of course it's conditional. It's based on mutual respect, for a start. YANBU.

Sex is conditional.

So is love /marriage/partnership...

If you think... I'll love my partner /husband regardless... You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of potential abuse...

Cynical - but true

Consent to sex is not 'conditional', it is absolute. He does not buy or serve time for access to your body. Sex happens when you both want it.

Yes I think it is worth thinking about when you used to be into him sexually and reasons why that might have changed, temporarily I hope.

It is really important that sex is not currency in a relationship- so often it is, of course. You don't I hope withdraw sex to punish him or make him do x y or z. He doesn't do things to buy your consent.

How about if you just had sex, now? Nothing else relating to it, no other meaning. Just sex and mutual enjoyment. Would that be so terrible?

Sounds like you both need to sit down together somewhere neutral and have a good honest (non blaming) conversation.
This might involve you both lowering your expectations a bit - him sex, you House cleanliness and upping them a bit eg help around the house, less gaming. Love is definitely not just an emotion. It’s also a decision/action. I hope you manage to work it out.

Marital love is most definitely conditional. And of course sex is conditional on both parties wanting it.
I do think with sex there is generally a difference between men and womans feelings around it. For many men it is purely physical and for many women it is much more emotional. Of course there is sometimes a crossover, but very often not.

I think all love is conditional (except for the love of a child).

Your real issue is your husband is a lazy prick who has no respect for you.

Also, how are you contributing half to bills when you don’t work? Does he earn decent money? Oh

I think for a lot of men they feel in love when they have sex and with women they only want sex when they feel loved. Difficult isn’t it….

He’s not putting the effort in and you’ve got a lot going on so no wonder you’re not keen!

Marriage vows traditionally set out the conditions.

“to have and to hold
from this day forward;
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish”

“ , I give you this ring
as a sign of our marriage.
With my body I honour you,
all that I am I give to you,
and all that I have I share with you”

I know this is the Anglican vows, and civil ceremonies often have either very basic vows or own written. But personally I think if either party isn’t living by the vows to love honour cherish, then they need to urgently work on thier marriage.

Your husband is being incredibly selfish. No parental responsibility, and gets to do everything he likes then pester you for sex after. Very serious talk time, I’d tell him outright it can’t go on like that.

Antidepressants can completely halt physical desire and response, irrespective of the circumstances that have led to taking them in the first place. One of the reasons people stop taking them can be because their mind/emotion wants it, but their body is unable to - men as much as women.

That's not putting conditions on it, that's a side effect of medication. However, somebody expecting sex even when the other person doesn't and/or can't perform or derive any pleasure from it as well as the crappy life they're contributing towards that has led to needing that medication? Fuck off. Nobody should feel obliged to be laying there feeling absolutely nothing, much less going through the theatrics of pretending to want and love it when they're already having to deal with the demanding idiot being an absent, lazy dickhead.