Xmas guests

[Iom92]

We (me, dh and 3 kids ranging from 4-12) have hosted Xmas every single year for the past decade. We don’t see in-laws but my mum has come to us for Xmas dinner every year. I also have two siblings who either come to us or don’t, depending on where they’ve been living at the time (both travel a lot).

I get irritated each year as we provide all the food, all the drink, do all the cooking and all the cleaning up after.

I asked my mum if she could bring a side dish this year and she replied saying that she wouldn’t be coming to us this year because my sister is visiting from abroad and so she’d cook for her at her house. No invite was extended to us. I’m annoyed because if I hadn’t text my mum to ask about the side dish, when was she planning on telling me?! Also annoyed because my other sibling (who we invited for Xmas day) is now umming and ahhing and hasn’t accepted or declined our invite, despite me saying two weeks ago that we didn’t mind either way, but need to know so that we can start food shopping.

AIBU to feel annoyed by the whole situation?

Assume that you are on your own this year and next. Start making your own plans. And stick to them.

I agree.

Had your mum been invited or did you just assume she would want to come for Christmas? She might have thought it only fair to spend time with your sister and also give you a break as it clearly annoys you when she visits. You also have your family - is your sister alone?

Your other sibling - just ask them outright. Ask them if they are waiting for a different offer or what? Just so you know.

YANBU. And from now on don't invite anyone! How rude.

My mum comes to us every year but I still make a point of inviting her just in case she has had an offer elsewhere although she never has.
I don’t assume she’ll come.
If you told your sibling you don’t mind either way, to me that’s saying they can make their mind up at the last minute.
If you bought extra to accommodate one person and they don’t come it’s hardly food wasted. Just don’t cook it on the day and eat it yourselves

YANBU and I wouldn't be inviting any of them again. Ever.

Just enjoy Christmas with your family knowing that you won't have to cook for anyone else.

@StCharlotte

YANBU and I wouldn't be inviting any of them again. Ever.

Its not clear to me that OP has invited her mum this year! And if they get that pissed off about hosting its probably obvious so mum is staying well away.

so your other sibling has been invited to your mum's too, at a guess?

Do your own thing this year, and next year, and the year after that, and so on.

Sounds great to me, time to break the tradition of you hosting.
I feel your pain as I have hosted for the past 30 years sometimes I have had 16 people to cater for and had no help on the day or for the prep, left to clean up after apart from dd who tries to help.
I was always exhausted then labelled a Grinch as I wasn't drinking enough / not looking like I was having fun 🙄
It's dwindled now as the family kids have grown up, DD hosted last year but we're heading towards Christmas and we have not had an invite to anyone's house, I'm expecting it to just be oh and I on Christmas day on our own.
I'm dithering between feeling hurt that no one has invited us and relief that I no longer have to host.
Enjoy your family Christmas ❤️

If it were me, I'd retract my invitation and think "sod them". I'd also be telling my mother that she's taking the piss by having her other bloody daughter there and not inviting you.

Personally, I'd never invite any of the ingrates ever again.

Just tell you other sibling you assume they are going to your mums and it’s your family only this year

Then I would text your mum and be honest, say you are upset that she comes to you every year, but this year is cooking for your siblings and not inviting your family, but actually perhaps that’s a good thing as it breaks the cycle and moving forward you assume she and your siblings will be sorting themselves out now

It sounds as if you have had Christmas at your house and a small
Number of relatives (max your Mum and 2 siblings, but often fewer) have come.

It is still November.

You hadn’t invited your Mum, when she did she declined. Her hosting 5 of you plus your siblings plus having your aunt to stay is a much bigger hosting job.

Things don’t stay the same, it is ok to change from year to year.

But your sibling / s need to let you know in reasonable time.

Best to try and resolve it without starting a stand off that lasts for the next 5 years….

I would say .,,,,,after christmas......that you had such a lovely relaxing time that your going to do the same next year,,,,,or tell her that your going to a restaurant for christmas dinner from now on

You didn't invite her, you made an assumption. You've also assumed everyone wants to come to you every year, maybe they just do so because they think that's what you want. You hosting your mum and occasionally a sibling isn't really any extra work anyway. Your mum coming for your sister is cooking for one extra person, if she invites you that's another five people it's a different scenario. I take it as your siblings travel a lot you see a lot more of her? Maybe she wants to have some time with them. It feels a little like childhood rivalries.
I'm also surprised you've started food shopping six weeks before Christmas, won't everything be off by then?

Sounds like you finally have a break to tradition. Send an email saying since you haven't heard from them you assume they aren't coming, have done your food order and can no longer feed hem and enjoy. (And do what you like next year......)

We've used last year's isolation as our chance to change things this year.