Melanie Sykes has revealed she's autistic

[Latenightpharma]

She was diagnosed at 51. Christine McGuiness also shared an autism diagnosis recently, and I wonder how I feel about all this. On one hand I think it's great that people like her are coming forward and are increasing representation, on the other hand I'm worried that others might underestimate how much the condition affects me (also have autism) at work because news outlets tend to report on stuff like this with an air of 'no big deal'.

To be clear, I'm not trying to suggest that Melanie or Christine are less affected by being autistic than I am, I don't know how much it affects them on a daily basis. What I'm trying to say is that someone like my boss might look at this and go 'oh, see, no big deal, do you really need accomodations to work or are you just being difficult? These people manage just fine.' AIBU?

From my experience, most people don't understand anything about autism, unless they have a relative who has it. Even then it's very much thought of as either 'can do everything, but socially incompetent', or 'needs 24/7 specialist care'. There isn't often an in-between in people's minds.

I think I understand a bit OP. I have very severe OCD that affects every aspect of my life. Since the start of the pandemic more and more people, who may well have mental health diagnoses but who can function completely normally, have been declaring their mental health issues on social media.

I do worry that people with more significant issues get bundled in with those whose conditions have less of a pervasive impact on their lives and then when requiring adjustments or benefits, it is seen as an excuse or something that everyone has, rather than a significant illness.

@KT727

I think I understand a bit OP. I have very severe OCD that affects every aspect of my life. Since the start of the pandemic more and more people, who may well have mental health diagnoses but who can function completely normally, have been declaring their mental health issues on social media.

I do worry that people with more significant issues get bundled in with those whose conditions have less of a pervasive impact on their lives and then when requiring adjustments or benefits, it is seen as an excuse or something that everyone has, rather than a significant illness.

There's a difference between declaring it on social media and actually having a diagnosis, which both of the women in the OP have.

Thanks for explaining @Latenightpharma. I had a similar situation with an ex - he basically had become my carer and resented me for it. He took care of the cooking, washing up, laundry, etc. and thought I was just lazy (this was pre-diagnosis). When we broke up, I did go to pieces but now have learned to cope relatively well over the years - I guess because I've had to. It has come at the expense of other things like having a social life.

I am fascinated by how many of you have found kind, understanding partners who don't mind being a 'carer'. I wonder what it is about me that nobody is willing to do it for me. Perhaps I mask too well? I don't get it. Back when I first met my partner, I asked him if he'd mind getting me a glass of water from the bar because it was very crowded and I knew it was a meltdown trigger for me, and a mutual friend was so mean and critical of me for it, asking me why I couldn't go myself and telling me I was making excuses. My ex's friends used to say the same - that I was just lazy and entitled. So many autistic women seem to get stuck with the 'princess' label when we ask for help.

@dabbydeedoo

When people say they failed to live independently, what do you mean by that? I'm not sure I understand. What things would you fail to do, and what would happen if you didn't have a partner to rely on?

I would forget to wash regularly.

I would live in a hoarder next door type house.

I struggle to understand that spending money means that I don't still have that money so I would have an awesome pair of £300 trainers but be too anxious to pay the rent.

I would live off takeaways because I struggle to go to the supermarket since the lock downs (too much changed too quickly and people were very aggressive if you made a mistake

The one time I did live by myself I became a paranoid hermit.

I live on my own (well with my children) and my house is either a biohazard or a clinical empty shell. There is no in between.
In order to semi-manage living many things just don’t happen. I forget to pay bills, I forget appointments. I can only manage surface living. UnderNeath is a mess.

It's like how celebrities with MS come out and say they have MS while being all glam and looking fine...and then my friends start asking dumb questions about my extremely disabled mother in law who has MS. When she lost her speech I got asked, I shit you not, "but don't they have those computers they connect to her brain so she can talk and write and can even write a book and play chess?". Yeah, cause that is indeed widely available for any average working class woman on the NHS (eyeroll) meanwhile we can't even get the NHS to provide care to a completely paralysed woman who can't breathe on her own. People are fucking stupid and ignorant. And yes, there will definitely be a twat who will think you're trying to take advantage of your autism to have an easy life. Because they're fucking twats.

@dabbydeedoo

Thanks for explaining *@Latenightpharma*. I had a similar situation with an ex - he basically had become my carer and resented me for it. He took care of the cooking, washing up, laundry, etc. and thought I was just lazy (this was pre-diagnosis). When we broke up, I did go to pieces but now have learned to cope relatively well over the years - I guess because I've had to. It has come at the expense of other things like having a social life.

I am fascinated by how many of you have found kind, understanding partners who don't mind being a 'carer'. I wonder what it is about me that nobody is willing to do it for me. Perhaps I mask too well? I don't get it. Back when I first met my partner, I asked him if he'd mind getting me a glass of water from the bar because it was very crowded and I knew it was a meltdown trigger for me, and a mutual friend was so mean and critical of me for it, asking me why I couldn't go myself and telling me I was making excuses. My ex's friends used to say the same - that I was just lazy and entitled. So many autistic women seem to get stuck with the 'princess' label when we ask for help.

I'm my husbands carer, have been for 30 years. I think it might be easier as you can see he's disabled so generally people are very supportive. It was harder 30 years ago when he did have some mobility, a nurse who saw me carrying my bag into hospital when I was in labour was clearly not impressed. I said to her I needed him to be mobile enough to go home and look after our other child so him carrying the bag was not possible.

I suppose I was already very committed to him when it happened, toddler and heavily pregnant probably counts as committed.

It can be tough being a carer, now I'm older sometimes I wish for little things like if we stop for a coffee when out shopping I'd love to be the one who can flop down while he goes and gets the drinks. Silly things like that, the bigger things I don't think about.

I hope you find someone who will support you.

I don't really get what anyone would get out of faking autism anyway?! If that is what some people think is happening.

There's still a HUGE amount of prejudice and lack of understanding around it. Way more than there is acceptance and support.

When you get a diagnosis you get... Nothing.

@Figgit and @TractorAndHeadphones, thank you for sharing more about the impact of getting a diagnosis.

@JaniieJones

God, its like anxiety and depression everyone seems to have it so the ones that actually do have it then struggle to access services.

Who cares if she is autistic. She seems to be living a full and happy life surely she could focus on that.

You really are vile.