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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel sad for my DD

12 replies

Fedupmum13 · 20/11/2021 08:52

I'm just fed up of family not making an effort. DD (2) is a funny, bubbly girl who is such a joy but both my partners family and mine can't be bothered. It breaks my heart as its not what I envisaged.
Partners family live 3 hours away and despite efforts our end, don't text, call or ask about her. When we visit there's zero effort, they won't interrupt their routine to spend time with us at all.
My family, my brother has my nephew (4) who I've always made effort with, but he doesn't ask about my DD, doesn't even agree to meet etc. He's free all weekend, his wife is working and no plans. Asked him to meet with the kids but 'no I'm tired'. They haven't seen each other since August and he only lives 30 mins away. My parents work full time and if I want DD to see them, it's a one way street, I make the plans and I drive to them (I also work full time).
I'm not expecting much, just a little effort, but it makes me sad. I didn't have much family growing up either and never thought the same would happen. Where we live, we don't know many people but am hoping as DD gets older I'll make school mum /dad friends.
I can't help but feel envious when I see (seemingly) doting grandparents with their grandkids in my local park etc. An elderly gentleman at the drs yesterday gave my daughter more attention than my partners dad ever does. I'm grateful for the kindness of strangers but my reality isn't even nearly meeting expectations and it gets me and my partner down. DD gets lots of toys /money sent her way but that's not what we want/need. We've tried telling them but they won't change. I also feel resentment that my mum used to look after my nephew 3 times a week whereas I've never had that offer.

OP posts:
Laurie01 · 20/11/2021 09:15

You can't change your family members, either they want to be involved or they don't. Let them make the effort and if they don't, they don't. Involve yourself with friends nearby who have young kids, plan play dates on the weekends with coffee for the grownups, I have best friends from that stage of my life. It's the family members loss, not yours.

Arren12 · 20/11/2021 09:20

My family are the same. You just have to accept it and stop making the effort. It really is their loss.

Keeva2017 · 20/11/2021 09:34

I’m sorry, there might the usual “adjust your expectations etc” but honestly I felt sad for you and your dd reading your post. I would put all your energy into making friends. But when it comes down to it, your dd clearly has a very loving and caring mum and because of that, she will thrive.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 20/11/2021 09:37

It's really sad that your families make such little effort.

Can you make other older friends that can have this role in their lives.

A lovely lady when I was growing up was a much loved 'Great Aunt', who actually was no blood relation-although I didn't realise this til I was well into adulthood. She hadn't been able to have children of her own, so she made a family!
It was lovely!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 20/11/2021 09:39

PS we all had a full role in her life too!

There must be older people close-by that would love to have this relationship?

LuaDipa · 20/11/2021 09:45

It’s really sad but there is nothing you can do. My family are pretty decent but similar about visiting - dh and I moved away (only 1 1/2hrs, less on a good run) and that is the default excuse, that I chose to move away. I have had to accept that if we don’t visit we won’t see them. It’s still rubbish but I keep things on my own terms now and only visit when it suits us. Luckily dh’s family are much better so the kids don’t miss out at all, even though mil drives me barmy.

Fedupmum13 · 20/11/2021 10:42

Thank you all. I definitely am trying to process and accept it. Covid meant it was difficult to see it for what it really is. I definitely am trying to meet new people, we are friends with neighbours but I've not made friends with nursery parents yet, but I'd love to. At what age do they start getting invited to parties? DD is hugely sociable and confident and really want to make the most. We've tried local classes so will keep doing that. Might enrol her in to a football class or similar. I think I just need to massively work on how I'm feeling psychologically about it. I don't have friends who have a similar problem, all of my friends who have kids (who I see as much as possible) all have really doting family members

OP posts:
Comedycook · 20/11/2021 10:46

Oh that's upsetting...I can totally understand why you feel the way you do Flowers

Sandinmyknickers · 20/11/2021 11:01

I feel like I'm your DD grown up..I had a doting granny but she died when I was young and my mums side never really bothered with us despite my mum trying when I was little.
I am so proud of my mum who is not a naturally outgoing person and the "family" of close friends she had built up and who she is still close with despite me being grown and moving out. She has more support and friends than her sister who only ever focussed on her own kids and life has, and the older I get the more I realise how hard it must have been for my mum starting from scratch in a new city with no family support. I have close non relative 'aunties' who love and support me and friends grandparents who have sort of become my adopted grandparents too who I love and care for and will pop in to visit regularly. Close families are great, but if you don't have one naturally, you can build one over years and get to choose the members :) they will adore and dote on your daughter

frogsbreath · 20/11/2021 11:06

My family and dh's family are the same ans it breaks my heart to see involved grandparents. I've accepted this is our lot, but it will be fucking cold day in hell before I help my parents in their old age. They haven't given a shit about me or mine since I left home at 17 and I won't forget their attitude to my child, who is so easy to love and deserves better.

I'm bitter af obviously, but our children won't know what they aren't missing, they are so loved in their own homes Smile

stingofthebutterfly · 20/11/2021 11:16

My husband's family are the same. They've never met our youngest two and have only met our 11 year old once, at our wedding. They live half an hour away and have never asked to see the children or sent them birthday gifts. Their loss.

Our children have a wonderful relationship with my parents, which I'm grateful for.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 20/11/2021 11:26

This is so bizarre, I just can’t understand people behaving like this with their kids and grandkids. Very hurtful.

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