To ask how you tell how bad your own behaviour is?

[LilyGoLightly]

I’m in the process of leaving what I think is an emotionally abusive relationship. Still having to live together which is really tough but hoping for a brighter future.

A big issue has been blaming me for everything. Everything had to be his way and I was called a bully if I disagreed. Lots of being told everything was my fault, that I was the problem, that they only thing he had done wrong is put up with me…

Now I keep thinking about how I could have done better. For example, when I have been stressed about things and maybe a bit snappy. I know I should have done better, but I can’t work out how bad I have been, whether my behaviour has been that bad, or whether I’m just normal. It feels like I needed to be perfect for him and I fell short, but how short did I fall?

I’m rambling now, but I’ve never seen a healthy relationship (my parents definitely weren’t a good example).

So I feel like I now have lost perspective. AIBU to ask for your perspectives on how you know what is ok/if you are ok?

Thank you!

Have you considered that maybe your snapping was a defence mechanism against his abusive behaviour? You have the right to defend yourself and he knows that very well he is just gaslighting you.

I think it’s very hard to reflect when you’re in the situation still.

I’ve been married for 6 years now, my husband is very easy to get on with, never shouts, very calm and will help me with anything I ask him to help with. He’s an active father, cooks, does the shopping and likes to go out for family days out and is incredibly loyal. However, I would say his biggest floor is he is lazy. Slightly contradictory to the above but I mean more in the sense as he wants an easy life not in the sense that he lays on sofa all day.

This isn’t a huge issue to me, I will literally pull him up on something and make it into a joke, occasionally I am a bit less nice but ultimately we get on well.

His ex however, thinks he is a narcissistic , gaslighted her, made things awful etc (said to me by her). She also thinks he tries to push her buttons all the time. I have been present at these interactions and he is being completely normal, pleasant and there is absolutely nothing to read into the situation.

I do not recognise the man she knows in anyway in my husband. Interactions that she explains, I find myself quietly agreeing with my husbands take on things.

My husband describes the relationship in his own way. He described her as incredibly demanding, very bitchy, looked to be the victim at every corner etc. When I met him his self esteem was through the floor. He describes his previous relationship as somewhat traumatic, he could do not right.

Now, my take is, my husband and I are of very similar personalities and mesh together very well in terms of communication, life goals and morals, he understands me and I do him. His ex and him are completely different people, she is perfectly nice (can be somewhat difficult at times) but she also has a completely different type of personality and the two of them just do not mesh well together. I truly believe that her interpretation of the relationship is true to her because that is her take on it but as an outward onlooker, I would have to take my husbands view as I am of a similar character.

I think ultimately, everybody or nearly everybody is somebodies ex and the relationship didn’t work for them. It doesn’t really matter who is wrong, it is how you interpret your relationship and how it effects you. That’s not to say you shouldn’t reflect on yourself and your own behaviours in your relationship, but just that sometimes two people are just very different and it cannot be fixed.

Id just like to say I am not talking about relationships with serious abuse of any kind in the above, just your bog standard ‘crap’ relationships.

*flaw

I will proof read in future!

I suppose the thing is that In my strongest moments I don’t think this is a bog standard crappy relationship (or maybe thats what I want to thinks…?) because we could work on that. But I’m being told I’m the only problem, that it’s all my fault. That’s not normal is it? When I look at my friends’ relationships and their issues it seems like its 6 of one and half a dozen of the other…

well done for leaving. Hugs.
YOU have put up with alot and laying all the blame on you is unreasonable!

You said you feel like you need to be perfect for him. People who are looking for perfect always fall short! The 'goalpost' of perfect is always out of reach whatever you do because they only see the negaitive.
You can just be you and the right people in your life will accept that.

If i was the question my reactions i would look at how i react to everybody. not just my partner.

Ill get some counselling as i believe its situations that effects my mood.

I was quite stroppy with my first boyfriend but when i look back i was in a unhappy job and this made me unhappy with everything. He was just interested in my money than my happyness so didnt listen when i told him about how bad i was treated in the job.

It will definitely not be all you!

My husband will admit that because he was so unhappy he shut down and probably could have done more ect. He would stay late working to avoid going home. This I imagine was horrible for his ex. She would have been home alone, everything left to her and he had stopped trying to communicate.

There is absolutely no way you are the only guilty part in this. At best, you are both just very different and at worst, he could be a complete arsehole who wouldn’t work with anybody and is emotionally abusive.

Well done for leaving, for what ever reasons, this relationship wasn’t making you happy and that is not healthy for anybody.

I guess I just feel like I’ve not been good enough and should have tried harder.

I would ask myself this question a lot.

My evidence now I can reflect on this time is clear.

The behaviours I displayed during my previous relationship were because of the situation and the abuse I was receiving. They were reactive and protective.

Many years on I'm now married to a wonderful man. No sign of the reactive and protective behaviours of before unless one of my PTSD triggers is set off, which is rare but still happens every few years. My husband understands my triggers and life is easier.

But the thing is, you are who you are. What things could you have worked harder on? Being somebody that isn’t you? If it was a case of picking your towel up off the bathroom floor, or cooking once a week extra then maybe you could have, but if it’s a case of somebody saying it’s all ‘you’, well that’s your first sign that it isn’t all you and that nothing you could do will ever be enough.

I agree with the previous post, you react to situations and people and that forms what your relationship is.

I think people can make changes to themselves but they can’t change who they fundamentally are and definitely not whilst with somebody who is blaming them for everything, being unkind and not supportive.

I would take whatever your ex is saying with a pinch of salt at the moment. The fact that he is blaming you for everything clearly shows he is not in a rational, emotionally stable place to discuss your issues properly.

Also just too add, your ex is currently blaming you for everything whilst you are on a forum wondering if you could have done more. I think the main problem may lay with him in this one.

I mean, one clue is that you are the one leaving. If you were so awful and hard to put up with, why hasn't he broached the idea of leaving?

Bullies rarely reflect on their own behaviour and wonder how they could have done better.

In the end I completely retreated. I barely spoke and never, ever touched a single one of his possessions. So I could never be accused of saying the wrong thing, nor could I be accused of "moving his stuff".

Now he just simmers in a rage at himself. If he loses an item he knows it's his fault. If he makes a decision he cannot blame me for 'not telling him the right thing' or 'saying this or that' because I say nothing at all. He can't get mad at me 'disagreeing' because I just say 'OK' and he can do whatever.

'course now he complains we don't 'chat' anymore, but it's exactly what he wanted. No more arguing, and the only person he ever rages at is himself. What a way to live.

Who instigated the arguments?

@maddening

Who instigated the arguments?

I’m not really sure. Sometimes I wouldn’t know what i has done and then i’d get the silent treatment. Other times I’d raise something, e.g. how I needed more support with the dc and the response would be that I was too stressed, I was trying to bully him into doing things. I’m really confused because i was trying so hard, but sometimes I got so frustrated and sad

Sounds all on him, my lovely. I'd put good money on no one else having issues with you. You are good enough, he's an arse.

Sounds like he is to blame, and it's very likely that if you have been snappy etc, that was a perfectly understandable reaction to the way he has treated you. Your uncertainty about whether you have behaved badly is almost certainly a state of mind he has deliberately created to put you at a disadvantage and make you feel guilty and do what he wants.

Ultimately though, there is no need for you to be giving yourself a hard time worrying about your alleged bad behaviour. Leaving a relationship isn't something you're only allowed to do if you pass some kind of 'he was bad, I was blameless' test! You are allowed to leave a relationship for any reason you like, including just not being happy in it any more. It's likely you won't be able to clearly see how blameless you actually were until you have been free of his manipulation for a good while.

@lazylinguist

Sounds like he is to blame, and it's very likely that if you have been snappy etc, that was a perfectly understandable reaction to the way he has treated you. Your uncertainty about whether you have behaved badly is almost certainly a state of mind he has deliberately created to put you at a disadvantage and make you feel guilty and do what he wants.

Ultimately though, there is no need for you to be giving yourself a hard time worrying about your alleged bad behaviour. Leaving a relationship isn't something you're only allowed to do if you pass some kind of 'he was bad, I was blameless' test! You are allowed to leave a relationship for any reason you like, including just not being happy in it any more. It's likely you won't be able to clearly see how blameless you actually were until you have been free of his manipulation for a good while.

I guess i feel like I can only justify doing this, and the effect on my dc, if I feel have done everything I can and that I couldn’t have fixed it myself

I guess i feel like I can only justify doing this, and the effect on my dc, if I feel have done everything I can and that I couldn’t have fixed it myself.

Then you need to change your thinking. You know you said your parents didn't set you a good example of a relationship? Well why would you want to set your dc the example of this relationship? What you can do to fix an abusive relationship is leave. Or give in and do what he wants, lose yourself in the process and potentially teach your dc that this is what a relationship looks like and that it is ok for a man to treat his partner this way.