To get involved with my close friend's sisters ex?

[yogaqueenhood]

My friend got me a role volunteering that I was really interested in for career progression. She put me in touch with her (ex) brother in law who was in charge and could get me in to volunteer.

Him and my friends sister have 4 children together with the youngest being 2 years old, however, they had the youngest whilst they were split up. They were together for 12 years and they are very amicable and co parent well. However, neither have had a relationship since.

He has started showing interest in me and there is a definite spark. I can't stop thinking about him. He has asked me to go out with him for dinner and drinks. I really want to.

However, I feel like this may upset my friend and her sister. I really don't want to lose this friendship or upset anyone but I haven't felt this attracted to someone in a long time. I've been single for 4 years.

Should I write this off before it even begins? Would this be a shitty thing to do? I seen his ex just last week and was chatting away to her and I felt bad as I've been having these kind of conversations with her ex.

I did it. I didn't end well :-(

Don't do it.

@Icantremembermyusername what happened if you don't mind me asking?

Could you speak to your friend in the first instance and see how she feels? I wouldn't risk a friendship for a guy, but it sounds like it's worth speaking to her first rather than just writing it off.

I think it depends how close you are with your friend and if you want to keep that relationship. If you go for it and it doesn't work out, this man is linked to her family, he is the father of her nieces/nephews - she May side with him and end the friendship with you.

If you're close, why not talk to her and find out what she thinks about it? She may be okay with the idea

Just no, unless you want to say goodbye to your friend.

We are very, very close. She's never really spoken to me about her sisters breakup but from how things are now it all seems pretty amicable. I think they all see him as part of their family, he didn't cheat or anything, I think they were just young when they got together and things changed.

I've thought about asking her but I'm so worried that she reacts badly at the very mention of it and then nothing comes of it and I've lost a friendship.

They might be totally fine with it but I know in her sisters position that I wouldn't be so that's what makes me pause.

It’s messy. You know that. Yes it will impact your friendship. So it’s up to you

I wouldn't do it if I were you. But if you really can't resist I would at the very least talk to your friend first. Though I wouldn't expect that to go well tbh. It may be a bit weird for your friend. Think about it.. What if you get on really well and become a serious couple.. You really think your friend wants to come to an event or dinner with her friend who's now dating the ex of her sister where he's the father to her nieces and nephews. Is it worth it? Not saying there is a right or wrong answer but just saying be prepared to potentially lose your friend.

The analogy, don't shit on your own doorstep, springs to mind here.

It all sounds incredibly messy. If it was just one thing to consider - your close friends ex BIL, the fact he’s got 4 kids, one of whom is still pretty much a baby or the fact that you work together then I’d probably go for it. All those things though? Not a chance.

Well we don't work together. I volunteer for him but yeah, equally messy I suppose. Ugh it's typical isn't it

@yogaqueenhood It put an unbelievable strain on my relationship with my friend and hers with her sister. When we did split up - no cheating or anything, it ran its course after 5 years - it was incredibly awkward. I will always put friendships first now.

They had a child together after they split thats how messy they are don't get involved worst case scenario he is using you to make her jealous

No. Don't do it.

So they've been split up 2 years but are coparenting well. Your friend is still friendly enough to be in touch with him.

It's 50/50 really. They might be pleased the new woman is someone they like. Might see the good points in being able to maintain close connections - good for the kids etc.
They might be horribly threatened. Resent it. You could lose good friend.

Suggest to him he sounds out his ex. Does he have her blessing to date you? That way he's in the firing line not you. If he goes all huffy then I'd back off. He's not showing half as much thoughtfulness as you are.

You will likely lose your friendship. If you are single and no kids then getting involved with a guy who has 4, one if whom he conceived whilst not in a relationship with the ex wife is a lot of baggage to take on. I wouldn't want the drama.

Same here re. the 4 kids including one so young and conceived after the split (which makes it more off-putting rather than better as you put it). That would be enough to put me off getting involved without even bringing the friend's BIL angle into it. Physical attraction can fade easily if not fuelled. I'd mentally rule it out and put my focus elsewhere.