To ask how to take a step back from friendship

[cadburyegg]

My best friend and I have known each other for a few years and have lots of friends in common. My H and I broke up a year ago and she was probably the main person I confided in, in that time. She has also had her fair share of stuff to deal with, and we've both been there for each other.

In the last couple of months or so I've felt us growing apart and it's really upsetting me. We don't talk or meet as regularly, and when we do talk it's about mundane stuff. I will share stuff with her about my life, but she won't share much about hers. We were having a friendly debate about politics recently and then I found out she'd told a mutual friend that she found it tiresome and couldn't be bothered explaining stuff to me. She has become very critical of me and will often crack jokes at my expense in front of mutual friends/in WhatsApp group chats we are both a part of. About 2 months ago she got into an argument with a mutual friend (she can be very argumentative) and was upset that I hadn't stood up for her and accused me of being disloyal. I explained the reasons why I hadn't done so (didn't want to get involved) and apologised but she basically made me grovel before she "forgave" me.

Because of the way I feel we've grown apart, I messaged her a few weeks ago saying I missed her and was looking forward to seeing her on X date when we were due to meet with some mutual friends. Her response was on the lines of "well we are seeing X and Y too so we won't be talking 1:1 much".

Writing this down makes it obvious that she doesn't value the friendship anymore and I should just move on. But we have so many mutual friends it's going to be difficult to break away, and it hurts so much when we meet up. I find myself constantly checking my phone for messages from her, which I know is absolutely pathetic.

I feel like I'm going through another break up 😭 does anyone have any advice?

Only that I find breaking up with a friend much harder than breaking up with a partner, especially due to mutual friends as there is no clean break. Not to annoy you but time is the only thing that makes it feel better x

YANBU. She seems to see you as someone she can pick up and put down at will.

How about if you stop messaging her or arranging to see her?

Don’t her get away with being rude on WA.

It is so awkward but she isn't being nice.

Have you heard of grey rock. You can still be with her but not engage. Google it as a strategy. You don't deserve this. No one should put you down.

I don’t think you have to ‘break up’ with her. As the title of your post suggests, you can just take a step back from the friendship. It doesn’t have to be a drama. Text and call less, don’t make as many plans to meet up etc. When you see her with your mutual friends you can smile and be friendly but don’t attempt to enter into deep conversations.

You may become close again one day. Or not. Friendships are for a season or a reason.

That's not nice of her at all OP. And makes me think she might make life hard for you (and with mutual friends) if you officially ended the friendship.

I agree with other posters about dropping back on contact a bit, disengaging mentally, grey rock etc. And when you see her with others just smile and be friendly but not too friendly. Good luck.

I’ve been moving away from a friend who has been causing me a lot of stress and it has been life changing. We are not the right people for each other. I need someone who appreciates me and can show up in my life the way I need. She needs someone who can show up for her the way she needs. I don’t have to be responsible for my friendship when I get nothing back anymore, I get to spend that that time investing in friends that care about me.

Don’t spiral about this. She’s made her choice, she’s decided to change the friendship in the way she needs. She doesn’t owe you friendship and you don’t owe her it either. Be pleased to run into her, but don’t go out of your way to talk to her. Wish her peace and a happy life and then go forth and invest in friendships that nourish you.

She’s already stepped back. For whatever reason she seems like she’s grown tired of you, her behaviour is not nice. You can drift apart as friends without her telling people you are tiresome.

I wouldn’t contact her again, don’t chase her. When you meet up in a group I would be polite but don’t try to seek her out. The grey rock advice above is good. I would just treat her as you would a colleague or an old acquaintance and let her get on with it.