RE weight, body image, insecurity, food guilt...

[disorderedeating333]

Hi all,

Name change as I'm ashamed of how I truly feel about this topic.

I am 5ft7 and used to be (two years ago) 16st2lbs, over this period I have been up and down but have managed to get down to 13st2lbs - mainly thanks to calorie counting.

I am an emotional eater - and have been since childhood abuse triggered this initially - and have quite disordered eating patterns: good all week, binge all weekend.

Due to these disordered patterns, that are often made worse by stress (I'm a teacher), my weight has been stuck in the low 13s for a couple of months and I HATE myself. I have a holiday booked in December snd had told myself I'd get into the 11 stone bracket.

I've had a really stressful day at work and all I want is a Chinese and a glass of wine, but I'm also going out tomorrow and it'll inevitably lead to another weekend of gains followed by a week of undoing said gains.

This may not seem a big deal to some people but I'm consumed by thoughts about myself, consumed by the desire to binge, consumed by the disappointed dealings that I haven't reached my weight goal for my holiday.

Sorry for the long post, but has anyone else been here before? Any advice or words of wisdom? I want to be able to love and appreciate my body regardless of weight.

I'd really appreciate any help, feeling so teary right now xx

Have you had therapy for your childhood trauma?

What exercise do you do? When do you do it in the day?

Do you have a food diary of what you truthfully eat on Thursday, Friday and Saturday?

I suspect you are starving yourself midweek and so are binging at the weekends as you are bloody hungry.

@RedWingBoots lots of therapy. Was getting help from the disordered eating clinic too for a while - nothing seems to help apart from either losing weight or eating - a catch 22!

I'm well aware of just how much I indulge myself over the weekends, but I feel I'm only able to control my eating if I avoid plans x

What exercise do you do? And when do you do it?

It sounds like you need to change your mindset a bit. Food is not good or bad it’s fuel. Sometimes we make healthier choices than other times. What you seem to be missing is the balance.
Have you ever tried intermittent fasting? Giving yourself an eating window can sometimes take the pressure off. Like you just say to yourself I’m only eating between 12 and 8pm (for example) and then that’s me done. You mind find that you are able to listen better to your bodies cues and only eat when you actually feel hungry. But it doesn’t work for everyone so it may not be your thing.
Maybe you need to increase your daily exercise if cutting down isn’t much of an option for you. Again it’s about finding the balance

OP the reason I'm asking about exercise is because:

1. It is a stress reliever
2. It can improve mood especially if done outside
3. It burns calories so helps maintain weight
4. Unless you are doing certain exercise e.g. ultra distance running you won't be stuffing your face while doing it.
5. Doing it regularly for a few months gives you a "better" body shape
6. It can improve body confidence

@RedWingBoots yeah I know all of those things but it's quite hard for someone who suffers from an eating disorder to rationally prioritise the right things. I'm trying to exercise a couple of times a week, swim or gym, but I struggle with the motivation. Most of my weight loss has been through diet changes x

@FlorenceNightshade I've never really viewed food as fuel, it's more been my best friend and comfort. I used to hide in my bedroom as a child against my door snd eat and eat and eat until I felt sick and fell asleep - abusive stepdad

Do you know what - you're amazing!

You've managed to lose 3 stone and maintain that weight loss for a period of time, that's more than most people do.

It actually is much more sensible to lose weight slowly, so why not be kind to yourself. Accept that you're going to be roughly the same size for your holiday and buy some nice flattering clothes for it.

@rookiemere I needed that so much. It made me cry! Thank you :'( xx

You're welcome @disorderedeating333 . I am about 12 stone and have been trying unsuccessfully to lose a stone for about 10 years without any of your emotional issues so I have no excuse !
Actually it's so much easier to be kind to others than it is to yourself.

Be proud of yourself. You've done really well, reward yourself with a lovely holiday and some clothes that you like and that flatter your figure. The come home and start again.
Just so you know I'm 5'6 and stuck at 14st 7 so well done you, you're my inspiration 😘

What would it matter if you went on holiday at the weight you are now? After all you are good enough to go out to work everyday helping children and shaping our future citizens at the weight, so aren't you good enough to have a nice holiday at the weight too? I think it's you who are your harshest judge when it comes to how you look and you should give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. Appreciate yourself as a good person who looks fine and deserves to be treated in a nice way and have fun. Change your eating to be healthier overall but still enjoyable and stop this starving and bingeing. You deserve to eat well and look after your health but not in a way that is very harsh and uncomfortable.

I am a teacher too, I have fallen into the trap of having a stressful day and, stopping on my way home, buying a bottle of red wine, a large bar of chocolate, and loosing myself with some crap on the telly.

I have managed to loose 2st and get myself to where I want to be. Mostly by having changed job to a different school, and by dieting with my DH(who has lost 5 stone).

I had a really stressful day at work last week. Think pupils throwing desks. And instead of going for food I went for a walk… I got home and felt much better, going to try this again, might even get my bike out and go for a cycle.

OP 80% of weight loss is due to diet, exercise helps with the rest plus it helps mentally.

(By the way these questions don't have to be answered on here. They are to give you ideas to get you moving regularly. )

In regards to exercise - I know you do a job where you are on your feet but do you do simple things like walking to a shop or the gym instead of driving? As that's exercise.

Do you have some space in your house to do a fitness video? There are loads on YouTube e.g. yoga, dance, Zumba, resistance training, interval training, HIIT.....

Also you clearly don't like going to the gym as you don't go regularly so is there a class you would like to do there instead? If so put your name down for the next class.

Apart from walking what exercise/physical activity do you like doing? As if you like doing it you will do it 4+ times a week.

Is there a sport you want to try?

Or was there an physical activity you did as a child that you want to do now?

Is there a physical activity e.g. roller skating you didn't learn as a child you want to try?

Do any of your friends do a sport or physical activity you think would be interesting to try?

Thank you so so much guys. It takes up so much of my head space, I'm not exaggerating when I say I think about it every hour of every day. I agonised all day today over the toss up between comforting myself with a Chinese or having an evening of feeling deprived, just to stay the same on the scales.

Im terrified of gaining weight. I think it's because when I gained all my weight initially (at uni) I returned to my home town and people used to mock me and talk about it behind my back due to how much I'd gained.

I just feel sad that I've felt this way about myself for so long, if you saw photos of me you wouldn't think im big at all as I think I carry it well, but I can't bare myself naked x

OP that's why I'm thinking of ways to encourage you to move.

Fill some of that head space with something else.

When you are out on your long walk/cycle, doing your spin class, doing your Zumba class, playing netball, doing a martial art, boxing, roller skating, hula hooping, or whatever - you can think about what you are going to eat afterwards in the boring bits. However if you push yourself a bit while doing the activity you may find when you have finished you don't actually want to eat a particular type of food afterwards.

You will learn that if you don't eat properly before doing your activity e.g. so you don't eat enough, you eat loads of cake and chocolate, it will affect your performance so you will make sure you eat properly the next time.

If you arrange to do an activity with others then failing to turn up means you are letting other people down. Then depending on the activity if you don't do anything in between you may be letting other people down if you cannot keep up with them.

If you are a goal orientated person and say start doing couch to 5K - it's nice seeing people's Christmas lights around this time of year - then you are going to want to run that 5K race then once you have done one either get faster or do a longer distance. (Do not start with a marathon.) Then your mind will be preoccupied with how to do that and you will be planning how to that.

You may still be heavier than you like once you have been active regularly e.g. 4+ times a week for 6 months but you will be more toned so your body will look better naked. Plus you will have a new obsession or two.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with this. I have binge eating disorder (only discovered that this year after 15 years of not understanding myself) and struggle with evenings, boredom is a trigger for me. I found BEAT really helps, and the online (anonymous) chat on a Friday and Tuesday night is a really supportive space, I'd recommend giving it a go.

I also try use distraction techniques, jigsaws, wordsearches, anything that occupies my brain.

I also worked hard on body positivity/neutrality for years. I realised that I'd hated my body for years and it hadn't helped, you can't hate your body into change, it just makes you feel shit about yourself. So I decided to love myself instead, it took a while, but I love my body now. It's trying it's best and it deserves good healthy food, vitamins, exercise, nourishing, being looked after!

I would recommend any body positivity books etc to boost self image.

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/get-help-for-myself/online-support/

Sending love.
Try replacing the obsessive food thoughts with thoughts of self soothing and self love.
Every time you get the craving, try visualising anything non food related that you find comforting/soothing.
You are amazing.

OP, I don't have ANY words of wisdom, but just wanted to say I identify with so much that you have written.

First of all you’ve done incredibly well so far, please don’t be so hard on yourself. What has helped me lose a similar amount and keep it off is outdoor walks whenever I can , just fresh air and striding out helps me make sensible food choices . It’s the lifting the mood factor too . Maybe this could help you ? I do hope so

I would suggest gently that you would probably never be happy with the way you looked, whether you lost the desired weight or not, because it’s not about the body: that’s just the visible side of it. It’s actually about your own view of yourself and your innate value, which the abuse harmed. So I’d suggest maybe focussing on dealing with this and everything else might follow.

I would however exercise. It makes you feel so powerful when you can lift a weight or run fast. That might help too.

Someone who would judge a person harshly and mock them for their appearance is someone whose opinion matters less than zero and you should strive to not let them affect you in any way. Do you, yourself really think less of someone who is a bit overweight? If you had a friend your weight you would probably tell them they look very nice but that looks are not that important anyway. Of course health is important but your mental health is part of that and that means being kind to yourself and lifting yourself up not putting yourself down.

You have done so well op. If you really need that take away, go for it but maybe order a small one. I find buying a super easy stir fry kit a good option for beating the take away craving while still having something that’s sort of in the same realm.

So many of us teachers are burnt out and knackered at the moment. You’re being so harsh on yourself.

Is there any way you can carve out some time to have a proper rest this weekend?

OP, I feel for you. If it’s any consolation, I am 5’6” and weigh 15st 10 and I am really struggling with my weight. I’ve joined Ww and SW countless times over the years, but don’t stick to it for long get fed up of counting points/syns etc. I have a big birthday coming up in a few weeks and at the beginning of the year I said I was going to tackle my weight and lose 4st this year. Well, I have lost literally 4 lbs…. I really need to sort myself out.

I’m in no position to offer advice, but just wanted to say that you have done so well in shifting the 3 st! I have recently started listening to a podcast called ‘Freedom from the diet cycle’ by Paul Wistuba and he talks a lot of sense, I’ve found it really helpful listening to him.

Do you want to lose weight or do you want to be happy as you are? Because they're too different goals with different actions to achieve them. And the former doesn't guarantee the latter.