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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My Bestie Has Ghosted Me

22 replies

FairyLights2 · 19/11/2021 14:59

From the moment, I told my BF that I was pregnant, she became super distant. She was the first person I told, so her lack lustre response really did hurt me. I continued trying to talk to her through my pregnancy but she didn't really give me time of day.

Her attitude changed (temporarily) when I gave birth. She reached out and our friendship resembled what it used to (pre-pregnancy). This gave me hope. I really thought everything would return to normal considering this person was my maid of honour at my wedding too and we had been best friends for a long time.

Anyway, she visited me and bought some presents for the baby. Then poof disappeared out of my life again. If I message her, she'll take a few weeks/months to respond. This is someone who I used to speak to on the phone for hours.

I have asked her what's changed and she just tells me, 'she's busy!' But she'll continue to reach out when she needs something. When I felt like I had PPD, I'd message her in hopes of having someone to talk to but she'd never reply.

I messaged her last month and tried to call her. She said, she'd call me back within the hour and never did.

My heart really aches for our old friendship. I know I need to let her go but my I have more questions than answers.

Why did having a baby lead to the breakdown of our friendship? Why does she only call me when she needs something? How did I not see this selfish side of her? And why can't I let it go?

Hope someone can help me answer any of those questions and/or relate to my experience.

OP posts:

Cashmerecardi1 · 19/11/2021 15:10

Oh OP that's so hard Ultimately she's the only one who can answer these Q's and I don't think you've actually got anything to lose by messaging her all of the above! She may not realise what she's being like/ how much it's upsetting you.

How old are you? Do most of your other friends have children? It could be that she just wants to live the party life still and you can't do that atm so she's just drifting off for a while thinking she'll come back at a later date? Could be she wants a child herself and is jealous, all sorts of reasons.

It doesn't stop it from hurting though I know. I would personally ask her and try and reignite the friednship or at least get some 'closure.'

Inthesameboatatmo · 19/11/2021 15:12

As hard as it is op please don't bother with her she is not a friend any longer.
Babies sometimes change things we wish they didn't, if she was a true friend she would still be interested .
But she also may be having fertility troubles or a recent loss and has not told you .
I know people always think good friends share everything but they rarely do and she may have things going on that you don't know about.

GirlfriendInAKorma · 19/11/2021 15:18

That’s so sad OP. I was going to ask if she has perhaps had fertility problems too. Not that it makes it easier for you… but might be a partial explanation.

It’s very hard to move on from something like that. I hope you forge lots of new friendships. You sound like a lovely person and a caring friend.

Landof · 19/11/2021 15:22

Does she have fertility issues/ want a baby but isn't in a position to? It could be that? She may be hurting. Obviously she shouldn't be taking it out on you but sometimes when we are hurting, we can't control how we react.

IcyBlonde15 · 19/11/2021 15:53

It is possible she is having fertility issues of her own and is withdrawing. It is very hard to be there for someone who is pregnant when going through fertility problems because its just impossible to avoid the subject. I think she may have pulled away for this reason. On the flip side I had some friends who stopped bothering with me when I had a baby and they definitely weren't struggling to concieve, but they were childless and so not baby people and I think they assumed that once I had a baby I would only be interested in baby related conversation/going to baby related activities, which was not the case at all! It really was a shame and I miss the friendship but it was up to them. I would reach out to your friend one last time and if you get nothing back i'm arfaid there isn't much you can do. I do hope you have other freinds you can focus your time and energy on

DieDeutschLehrerin · 19/11/2021 16:10

This happened to me too under very similar circumstances, except it was the breakdown of her relationship and the fact that she didn't feel like Motherhood fulfilled her in the way she had always anticipated that seemed to trigger it. I wasn't particularly perceptive to her struggles at the time as I was overwhelmed with my new DS but I would have tried very hard to support her had I realised how she was feeling. Instead she chose to cut me out totally. I've had to accept it. My only guess is that she felt that the person I am had become was incompatible with the person she was becoming and where her life was now but it would have been much kinder to explain. I wish her well but I am still a little heartbroken.
The only advice I can give is to allow yourself time to process the loss and accept that she wants to break away. It is undoubtedly more to do with her than you, but unfortunately that means you have very little influence if her mind is made up.

HollowTalk · 19/11/2021 16:12

She stopped being a friend when she didn't respond to you saying you thought you had PND. It's really not in your interests to keep in contact with her.

Original poster

FairyLights2 · 19/11/2021 16:36

@Landof

I know she does want a baby in the future but current circumstances aren't ideal for her. We're both in our early thirties and I know she worries about age being a factor. But that's why whenever I would contact her it wouldn't be about baby related things. We used to talk about various topics, so I was hoping that our friendship would continue as normal.

She's very successful in her career and I'm not! I've always been a massive supporter of hers (even if at times, I hoped to have been a little more ambitious, too). Hence my huge disappointment with how she's responded to my good news. I truly believe a real friend can stick by you through the good times, not just the bad times.

I remember when she received a huge job promotion, I was the one who organised a huge surprise party. I've always been happy for her and hoped (quite naively) she'd be just as happy for me.

I do have other close friends but I had always considered her to be my closest. In the past, we lived together and travelled to many countries. We share so many memories together. Breaks my heart that she's thrown all of that away. It honestly feels like I'm going through a break up.... and I find myself sad, angry and tearful. She won't give me closure because I've tried to get it several times.

I think one of the reasons I'm struggling to move on is because I know once the door is shut, I'll never ever open it again. I'm the type that'll give a lot of chances and be super patient but once I'm tired, I'm tired and I'll be over it for forever.

OP posts:

Original poster

FairyLights2 · 19/11/2021 16:37

Thanks to everyone who has responded. I tried to answer most of your qs in my reply above.

OP posts:

CokeZeroAddiction · 19/11/2021 16:38

Something similar happened to me. She was godmother to my child, we were incredibly close. Then one day she decided she was done. I tried to find out why several times or to even just admit she was done with me. It was like talking to a brick wall. I’ve moved on it it took a long time to get over it, despite having lots of other friends.

drpet49 · 19/11/2021 16:42

** If I message her, she'll take a few weeks/months to respond. This is someone who I used to speak to on the phone for hours.

I have asked her what's changed and she just tells me, 'she's busy!' But she'll continue to reach out when she needs something.**

^She’s a user. She is no friend to you OP.

Roussette · 19/11/2021 16:44

Fairy I've had this happen to me and it is so hurtful. I do get what you're saying.
Friend of decades just started not returning calls years ago, being a bit odd, being unavailable etc and it worried me endlessly. So I thought ... I can't keep up contact if you don't want it, I'll leave it to you. It was too upsetting to keep trying.

We've limped on but the friendship has changed. We met for lunch yesterday for the first time since the Spring.... I have lost 3 (much needed) stones in that time. It is noticeable. She couldn't even mention it beause I presume that would mean being nice and complimenting me. Another friend was there and thought it most odd.

One thing I'll say is... you are very sensible to make the decision that if you shut the door, it's shut.
I didn't. So I have this peculiar half (not even half!) a friendship now that causes me great angst. I wish we could just 'break up' and be done with it to be honest. Once you harden yourself to reduce the pain of it, you can't go back.
Good luck

SockFluffInTheBath · 19/11/2021 16:46

OP that’s so sad. Before your second post I’d wondered if she was struggling ttc herself, or alternatively finds babies completely boring. Maybe tell yourself she’s temporarily unavailable, try to forget her, and maybe she’ll come back one day. There doesn’t need to be a big dramatic closing if the door, she’s just not featuring so heavily in the next chapter or 2

Bagamoyo1 · 19/11/2021 16:54

When you say her “circumstances aren’t ideal” for her to have a baby, what do you mean? Is she in a relationship? Is it going wrong? When I was in my 30s and desperate for kids, I avoided people with kids. It hurt too much to see them.

MeetMeAtOurSpot · 19/11/2021 16:58

I agree with PP who’ve mentioned she may want. Baby.

If you are desperate for a baby but can’t have one it really does hurt to be around pregnant people or people with babies.
I once sobbed when someone’s dog was pregnant because I wasn’t!
It isn’t rational, and isn’t done with the intention of hurting people. It’s self preservation.

Somebodylikeyew · 19/11/2021 16:58

I’d put money on it just being too painful for her to see you with what she really wants.

If you really do care about her, I’d back right off for now- maybe years. I really do know it’s painful but you can afford to be the bigger person here, you’ve got your baby.

80Dodgeballs · 19/11/2021 17:43

This happened to me and it was because my BF was struggling to conceive. It was just too painful for her. Thankfully things got back on track when she did conceive.

drpet49 · 19/11/2021 20:35

* I’d put money on it just being too painful for her to see you with what she really wants.*

^I hate this excuse. It doesn’t excuse the friend of being a rude, uncaring and selfish friend.

MauraandLaura · 19/11/2021 20:39

Its shit OP. Life events can change friendships. It doesn't matter if its a baby, new job, marriage ect..

Close the door on it. When your little one goes to school you will meet a whole new bunch of women you have a lot in common with.

DancingQueen2018 · 19/11/2021 20:45

It happened to me too (not over a baby) but my much adored, best friend was just suddenly too busy for me.

Distance has helped, and time, but it still hurts hugely despite having many other good friends. Just wanted to say you’re not alone and it hurts, massively xx

Ikeepbuyinganimals · 19/11/2021 21:22

I could be your friend the way you've written this. When someone I classed as my best friend had kids, responsibilities shift (as expected) and the kids are mostly what she talks about. I don't really like children and I've mourned for the friendship I had that just isn't the same. If I had a kid, we might be able to reconnect but until then, we just speak a couple of times a year...

Somebodylikeyew · 19/11/2021 21:36

@drpet49

* I’d put money on it just being too painful for her to see you with what she really wants.*

^I hate this excuse. It doesn’t excuse the friend of being a rude, uncaring and selfish friend.

I dunno. I understand what you’re saying but if someone had lost a child, or a partner, we’d understand if they needed to distance themselves from other happy couples/families… grief hits people all sorts of different ways and much as we like to think we’d always be able to rise above, sometimes it’s all we can do to keep ourselves from drowning.

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