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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trauma Dumping!

17 replies

EdenFlower · 19/11/2021 12:04

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10204315/Experts-reveal-trauma-dumping-issues-friends-toxic-avoid-it.html?fbclid=IwAR2f5DyWcAC2_5KQt7m-taEFeVdYZchsNSGYpyxM0zGqUD-Td-uI23Vad2w

OMG! This article describes my friend to a tea! Never really heard of Trauma Dumping before but this is exactly what she does. I am such a victim of this! I am really trying to re-establish a normal relationship with her- because on some levels she's good fun and a good friend, but a LOT of the time it is all about her trauma (which is never really trauma- just minor drama blown out of all proportion). Everything revolves around her multiple 'phobias, illnesses, food allergies, perceived victim situations, her difficult daughter, difficult DH, people who have wronged her, tiredness, injustices, her workload- even though she doesn't work, etc.etc. She sends a constant stream of whatsapp rants about it all, almost everyday! When I see her it all sets off fine with a nice catchup but later on descends into more rants and moans about negative stuff.

AIBU to think I can change the relationship with this friend or is it best to just get out?

OP posts:
TotallySuper · 19/11/2021 12:24

Just distance yourself. These people are toxic!

Nsky · 19/11/2021 12:29

We all have ups and downs this is extreme, stay away

Original poster
EdenFlower · 19/11/2021 13:48

You think there's no way to pull back? A bit in the article says if you are a victim you need to ask yourself why? Nobody else is like this with me though, just her. I'm not sure if this woman Trauma Dumps on anyone else just me. In public she is all fun and jolly, only in private with me is she so negative.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 19/11/2021 13:59

@EdenFlower

You think there's no way to pull back? A bit in the article says if you are a victim you need to ask yourself why? Nobody else is like this with me though, just her. I'm not sure if this woman Trauma Dumps on anyone else just me. In public she is all fun and jolly, only in private with me is she so negative.
How do you respond when she sends you one of her stream-of-consciousness rants?

Have you ever asked her if she has considered how her constant negativity affects your mood & wellbeing?

One useful technique you could try - but only after raising the thorny subject by asking questions like the above - is "Ok - you get 10 minutes to rant, get it all off your chest, then I don't want to hear another negative word all evening."
If she then veers back to ranting out of habit, pull her up on it.
Tell her it's hard for you to only hear about her negative stuff, & that you miss the fun, upbeat friend she can be.

If she persists after this - recommend she takes it up with a therapist, because it's too much for a laywoman to handle. It's not about you being "uncaring" btw - it's simply you asserting yourself & refusing to be her toxic waste dumping field.

Original poster
EdenFlower · 19/11/2021 14:07

When she's ranting I tend to just respond with a brief acknowledgement and then ignore if on WhatsApp and just respond with something positive or not at all. In real life, I try to change the subject to things we share an interest in or- it works for a short time but she soon sets off on something else. She constantly tries to paint a picture of how hard her life is compared to mine (it's not)

OP posts:
mbosnz · 19/11/2021 14:13

My daughter is particularly afflicted with trauma dumping friends. She's got a really good circle now, and they all, before offloading, ask if it's alright to offload, being aware that they all have life and mental health issues. And it's okay to say no.

Just wondering if you could say to your friend, look, I really need you to ask if it's okay before unloading, because sometimes I can't give you what you want or need, because I've got stuff going on in my own life.

ChargingBuck · 19/11/2021 14:29

She constantly tries to paint a picture of how hard her life is compared to mine (it's not)

Eden, as she's also doing it in person, & it's clear that she's justifying making you her 'whipping boy' by pretending that You're All Right Jack but poor little her ... you are going to have to bite this bullet if you want her to change.

You already have the solution - you possibly just don't want to implement it. Becuaue it really is as simple as owning what you know to be true. Next time she does this in person, be brave, & say just what you've told us:

"You constantly try to paint a picture of how hard your life is compared to mine. It's not, & it's not just difficult to hear you bang on constantly about everything negative that ever happened to you - it's insulting that you never once consider that, just like everyone else, I also have shit to deal with in my life.
Can you please stop dumping all this on me, so we can get back to having good times together like we used to?"

billy1966 · 19/11/2021 15:09

Why on earth would you want such negativity in your life.

You are a free earhole to her, that's all.

She won't change.

Back away.

AnOnly · 19/11/2021 15:27

I'm sorry, I voted the wrong way. You can try telling her to give her the chance to change, but for your own wellbeing I would say step away.

picklemewalnuts · 19/11/2021 15:51

This is my mother.

picklemewalnuts · 19/11/2021 15:53

And you know what? She doesn't actually care about anyone but herself. I don't know if that's true for your 'friends'. If they are like my mum, then you are useful to them. That's all. Stop being useful and see what happens!

billy1966 · 19/11/2021 19:14

Have you stopped @picklemewalnuts?

PuttingOutFires · 19/11/2021 20:24

Missed the point with this, I know, but read it as Trauma Dumpling and thought it was a new kind of coping strategy like a fidget spinner!

picklemewalnuts · 19/11/2021 20:37

No Billy! She's 80+. I'll hang in with her- I've managed this long. I will be able to know I did all I could and that it was she who was unreasonable!

But she's my mother. If she wasn't she'd be toast!

billy1966 · 19/11/2021 20:39

Aren't you kind.
Wishing you the bestFlowers

Nyfluff · 19/11/2021 20:42

Daily?! Suggest she seek counselling.

Original poster
EdenFlower · 20/11/2021 17:36

@Nyfluff

Daily?! Suggest she seek counselling.
Yes, daily. I think she has a personality disorder!
OP posts:
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