2nd marriage. Learning to be better or keeping up appearances

[Chchchanger]

Do men try harder in second marriages?
Or do they try harder to not let another woman tell everyone they're still a twat?

Just wondering if men really learn and change or if they're just more aware that if they get divorced a second time it'll look really bad.
I mean you can pretend once your ex wife was 'crazy' and you were the victim because you have a new wife that is still there. If the second wife leaves or marriage breaks down, your story of being a victim starts to look less plausible.

I guess I just wonder how many second marriages are built on more understanding and less thoughts of leaving because of this.
Whether it's really because they don't want a failed marriage again or because they genuinely learn from the first.

Look at Ross from friends. 3 failed marriages.
What draws a woman to someone on their 3rd marriage? Does it happen in real life?

Where does the question come from?

• some people just married the wrong person and made each other miserable. Things will naturally different if next time they marry the right person.

• Sometime life moves on and you move apart. Admitting it's over doesn't make anyone a bad person

• Sometimes (very occasionally, no where near as often as some would have you believe) the ex is crazy

• Mostly, people are doing their best at life and learning from their mistakes

• Sometimes people are just nasty

I remarried and definitely learned from the first. My ex husband is on his fourth. But yeah, it's amazing how many unstable women he's met in his life

People mellow with age. They grow up and many shouldn't have settled into relationships to start with.

People learn that the grass isn't really greaner and if they are single it doesn't mean sex on tap. Life can be expensive as a single person. Their friends settle down and aren't as available.

Abusive men don't change imo. I don't see a divorce as any different than a long term relationship breakdown which can be for many reasons. I think that everyone has a right to be happy.

@Ponoka7

People mellow with age. They grow up and many shouldn't have settled into relationships to start with.

People learn that the grass isn't really greaner and if they are single it doesn't mean sex on tap. Life can be expensive as a single person. Their friends settle down and aren't as available.

Abusive men don't change imo. I don't see a divorce as any different than a long term relationship breakdown which can be for many reasons. I think that everyone has a right to be happy.

Yeah I agree with the single life not meaning sex on tap, I find a lot of married men have this idea that they'll get divorced and suddenly women will be enthralled by them and they'll be swiping on women and hooking up.

I worked I an office environment when younger and I would say a huge percentage of men cheat or talk with their female colleagues about their wives that just don't understand them.

Maybe after that failure to stay married and lack of enthusiasm for their outstanding person, they grow up.

People mellow with age

I think the opposite. Traits get exaggerated as we age. Abusive people get worse as often bitter and resentful and unable to attract partners as older.

To make a relationship work you need conflict resolution skills (amongst others skills) and if my 30 you haven't learned those I doubt you will.

Some people get bored in relationships, they thrive on the honeymoon stage so after a few years will start to feel unsettled. These people don't change.

The causes of most marriage breakdowns are usually Affairs, addictions or abuse. Some people marry young and break up amicably - these people, in my opinion are the safer bet.

@Fireflygal

People mellow with age

I think the opposite. Traits get exaggerated as we age. Abusive people get worse as often bitter and resentful and unable to attract partners as older.

To make a relationship work you need conflict resolution skills (amongst others skills) and if my 30 you haven't learned those I doubt you will.

Some people get bored in relationships, they thrive on the honeymoon stage so after a few years will start to feel unsettled. These people don't change.

The causes of most marriage breakdowns are usually Affairs, addictions or abuse. Some people marry young and break up amicably - these people, in my opinion are the safer bet.

This is a good point. The older you get the less likely you are to find a replacement and so perhaps many try to make it work harder because they're aware of their appeal diminishing. Plus if you've married a much younger trophy wife you might worry she'll leave.

I'm not saying women are trophies or anyone has a shelf life BTW. Just highlighting what some believe.

I think a lot of men especially have a very inflated vision of how interesting they are. Look at Taylor and Jake, he's still dating 22 year olds. Is that because he really likes her, or because she's young enough to be impressed by his money and power etc.

Ross from Friends is fictional entertainment. I don’t think that’s going to help you answer your question.

If you're going to use Ross as an example he was always in love with someone else and should never have married the first two.

I'd say after an hour on mumsnet, yyou'll see people making the same mistakes in their relationships.

My ex is on his fourth marriage having been divorced three times for adultery. Draw your own conclusions.

Interesting....

I worked with for woman who was married to a man who’d left his first wife because apparently she was “a slob” who wore her pyjama bottoms about the house

His second wife (my boss) always wore jeans, nice top around the house and negligees to bed etc. I thought the husband sounded like a prick and she was trying to keep up appearances. She was a dick as well tbh.

Nope, these men still have the same issues.

Not married but but now very recent ex of six years repeated the same patterns with me as his ex wife. I was crazy, unstable and everything was my fault.

The issues are his and his alone, until he can accept and get help for them he is sadly likely to repeat this in his next relationship.

However some people can change, I know I have, I learnt a lot from my relationship with him and am able to reflect on my marriage I had before we met (with the help of a good therapist)

You’re making the assumption that a marriage has failed because of the man’s behaviour.

In reality, marriages fail for a variety of reasons, so there isn’t necessarily something to learn or change in the second marriage.

Yes I’m sure my ex thinks he’s the “winner” and everyone will think he’s the reasonable one because he has a new partner (and child) and I’m single

Doesn’t take into account personal choice of course!

You’re making the assumption that a marriage has failed because of the man’s behaviour.

^^
I bet in reality the majority do - either behaving unreasonably to their wife - being unkind or abusive, not doing their fair share etc - or infidelity

I think a lot of it depends on why the first marriage ended.

If they were just incompatible, married too young etc then they’ll probably go into the next one a bit wiser.

If they ended because the man was absent as a partner and father and let the woman carry everything - or vice versa, of course, though that's less likely - then that seems to repeat itself. Some women are prepared to put up with it. He's lovely, really. Such a great dad.

A lot of people settle down at too young an age and don’t do enough stuff as an individual. Having a partner means making compromises. It’s the reason I chose to not to bother with men much at all. I loved being able to do just what I wanted when I wanted with zero consideration as to consequences because I could just please myself.

So many women I worked with and even a lot of my friends were worrying about The One. I found it alarming how much they yearned for a partner. My Mother was married four times I just remember thinking was it worth all the hassle and to rely on myself only. I did to my utter shock meet someone, I wasn’t looking and surprisingly to me we have been married for almost 23 years.

@PinkWednesdays

You’re making the assumption that a marriage has failed because of the man’s behaviour.

In reality, marriages fail for a variety of reasons, so there isn’t necessarily something to learn or change in the second marriage.

I believe most divorces are instigated by women.

I know that doesn't necessarily translate to it being as simple as "the man's fault", but it does suggest that in most cases, the man was satisfied with the situation as it was and preferred to retain it than to divorce, but the woman felt very differently.

A friend of mine has been married three times. First marriage they were both 18 and, in her words, stupid. They got married because she was pregnant, both very quickly regretted it and were living apart before their DC was even a year old. Around ten years later she got married again, they had a really good relationship, it all seemed fine until around four years after the wedding (roughly six or seven years into the relationship) when he lost his job, started doing drugs, and then started dealing drugs. Then around three years ago she married her current husband, they've been together around five years and in all honesty I've never known her to be as happy as she is now.

My father was married before he met my mother, married at 17 with parental permission, she was 16. Shockingly it didn't work out. He's been with my mother for over 40 years.

You’re making the assumption that a marriage has failed because of the man’s behaviour
Exactly what I was going to say. Two marriages of my acquaintances failed because of the wife's affairs.

With so many divorces orchestrated by women even though they'll be usually the worst off and men usually quickly remarrying citing 'crazy ex'.
It's just a thought that maybe second time around they're more careful to not have that story questioned.

And wait. Friends isn't real? 🤣

@BlueTouchPaper

You’re making the assumption that a marriage has failed because of the man’s behaviour Exactly what I was going to say. Two marriages of my acquaintances failed because of the wife's affairs.

Yes of course women cheat. In my experience though in an office full of men, most were or thinking about cheating. They're not trustworthy

Yep, I going to be worse off but I’m still doing it !
To be emotionally and financially free will be great.

My dh is my 4th dh. He knows I now accept no shit..
So he gives me none!

He knew in our first conversation I had been married 3 times. He didn't judge me.

Based solely on my personal observations of marriages around me-

I think women are much more likely to justify things to themselves. Man married multiple times? Poor lamb obviously unfortunate to have met psycho women. Man ruined his marriage(s) due to his own shitty behaviour? Well, he obviously didn’t love those women enough to change but this time it’s different…