Nitpicky colleagues

[teekay88]

Just wondering how other people manage this situation (and perhaps people who aren't naturally assertive). I have started a new job recently and the general culture is very different to what I'm used to. In general they have a very critical culture where there's lots of debating the point, intellectualising, and general pedancy probably fuelled by the fact the organisation I work for specialises in quite an academic/political subject so it attracts certain types. On the whole I can deal with this. It's not who I am or the culture im used to but I do understand it's not personal and is just a culture that's been built up over time that in many ways for the work they do works for them

I do however have a female colleague who is the only other female on the senior leadership team other than me. I am mindful that I am the first new person to join the leadership team in about 10 years, they're all very established with each other etc, and it's possibly added a new dynamic that I'm also female (for context it's a male dominated organisation particularly at management level). Despite aforementioned culture the other leaders have generally been warm and receptive to me and helpful when I've needed to pick their brains etc

This particular colleague I find really difficult. She has a very detail oriented approach (which is fine) but this also extends to picking me up on quite minor aspects of my work that don't really matter in the long run (things like if I've inadvertently used the wrong phrase for something), manifests itself in most conversations with her involving feedback of some kind (she has this thing where if you are not incredibly specific about what you are referring to in an email she finds it unclear and likes everything separated out) and I feel like even the simplest of work tasks where I need to involve her end up with her nit picking my work and actually womansplaining my own job back to me at times. In a couple of meetings I have picked up palpable frustration at times from her. I think our communication styles are just different. To be clear I genuinely don't think it's intentional or at least conscious. I do wonder if there is a little bit of territory protection going on because I am stepping into a new role where one aspect of my work relieves her of some things that used to be her remit. (I do something she had to cover before as there was no one in my remit at the time but it's not her specialism). Maybe there's a sense of that

Anyway I really struggle to know how to respond to her in the moment when she's doing this. I dont want to come across Passive aggressive but nor am I a particularly assertive person who's comfortable with confrontation so I find it difficult. Any tips much appreciated

It does sound difficult, but I wonder if she is like me? I get really anxious when things are unclear - I'm not good at guessing what people mean and going ahead on that basis, so I frequently don't answer questions without asking more questions to get clarification and yes, I do get frustrated when people don't understand why I need clarification. It is possible that since she has been there for some time your colleagues are used to this.

One of my work colleagues is a little like this. We aren't as senior as you, though, and the colleague's (often unnecessary) level of detail is as irritating to our line manager and HOD as it is to me.

My manager told me very recently that it takes me half an hour to do what my colleague takes 2 hours to do due to the nit picky level of detail they feel is necessary.

Does she do this with other colleagues or just you? If yes then it’s probably not personal.
Do your other colleagues ask for clarification from you too? If they also struggle to understand you then perhaps you aren’t being clear and concise.
If she’s singling you out then you could turn it back on her, oh sorry did you not understand? Everyone else did but here let me try to explain again for you etc

If you have picked up some of the tasks that she used to do could it be possible that she felt that she had made them her own, and now resents you for doing them now (probably in a different way to the way she used to do them)?

things like if I've inadvertently used the wrong phrase for something
Do you mean she tells you to re-word something to suit her personal style?
or is it that your phraseology could be misconstrued?
Either way - are you at the same level? Because if so, you need to tell her politely to back off.

You say it is all her, but are there aspects of your communication you need to work on? If you're not coming across very clearly that is useful feedback.

Could you give an example of you using the wrong phrase or not being clear? Clarity matters and even incorrect punctuation can change the whole meaning. Are you concise enough? Move away from this being about you both being women. Let's get out of the narrative that every woman is in competition with other women.
When she starts explaining your job to you, find professionally acceptable ways to stop her.

she has this thing where if you are not incredibly specific about what you are referring to in an email she finds it unclear and likes everything separated out
Well, to be fair, lots of people think they’re being clear but aren’t, and asking for clarity before taking next steps based on a misconstrued email is good practice. I would just adapt communication to her and bullet point emails – I have colleagues who prefer calls, those that like an email then a call, some who want a Teams back and forth. I don’t think clarity is unreasonable but it depends just how nitpicky the level of detail is.

I work with 2 guys that do this all the time. Yesterday for example.....I said the name of an area, and it was the wrong place. Fine - I misunderstood and corrected myself. Cue 2 phonecalls and long conversations about why I'd said that area, how I'd got it wrong...why had I got it wrong etc. Such an irrelevant incident but they were still banging on about it 4 hours later. I tend to tell them to off tbh . Interested in other people's views though, about why certain people act like this

Womansplaining isn't a thing. You seem to have latched onto the idea that this is all because you are both women and therefore in competition with each other.