What would you advise in this situation?

[Elsalvador]

DD (Y5) asked me for some advise on how to handle a situation she is in and I wasn't sure. So I asked her to let me think about it. It would be great to hear advice from others.

To provide some context, DD is the type of girl that gets on with everybody. She's very kind, helpful and quite chilled. She's also the type to have one or two very close friends and she's happy with that. She gets on with all but prefers to mainly hang out with her closest friends.

Recently, another child (let's call her Jane) in her class outright came up to her and asked if she would be her friend. DD said yes but in the sense of being friends with everyone because there's no-one she isn't friends with, if that makes sense? It transpires that Janes sees this as meaning they are now best friends and she can now hang out with DD all the time at school. DD didn't anticipate this because the girls are much older now and it's not a response she expected.

I know Jane and have had the opportunity to also spend time supervising her on school trips. I have noticed that she finds it hard to get friendships to stick. One reason I believe is that she is quite socially unaware and can come across as needy and you feel the pressure of it. She is not neurodiverse and has no SEN. I found a recent school trip quite exhausting because she would talk non-stop and demand my constant attention.

My DD is torn between not wanting to hurt Jane's feelings or be unkind. On the other hand, she also has her own feelings to take into account. She has little in common with Jane and isn't keen on Jane joining her every single break time and lunch. She likes this time to hang out with her closest friend who she doesn't get to see outside of school for various reasons. She also doesn't enjoy Jane's company but would never be unkind so tolerates in silence. Not responding and hoping Jane finds DD unengaging isn't the solution as Jane doesn't seem to notice/mind this.

To add to this, DD feels manipulated. DD's closest friend is also very sweet and kind. Jane also separately made the same request and she responded as DD did. Jane then went up to both of them and declared that as both had agreed to be friends with her, she would now be hanging out with them.

DD is now stressed by this. DD is a nice girl and is always very kind but I don't want this to be at her expense if it's going to make her unhappy. I also don't want her learning that she can't prioritise her needs/wants just to make someone else happy.

Any advice on how she protract herself out of this situation?

So who was Jane friends with before? What happened?
I'd wonder if there's opportunity for your DD, her friend and Jane to join a lunch time or after school club? One which may require choosing a partner, so Jane has the opportunity to mix with other people. Jane may find herself some friends with similar interests, and gain some confidence with these new hobbies.
It will (hopefully) make this friendship less tense, and maybe Jane will prefer another child's company.

My DD is in a very similar situation to yours but in year 9. The girl who has joined the friendship group has become a friend because she has no one else. It's stressful for both DD and her friend because they feel responsible, to ensure she has someone to be friends with, but ultimately she is very different to them.
She is starting to find other friends because DD and her friend don't have the same interests as her, so they might attend a lunchtime club or an after school club, which she doesn't attend because it's not something she's interested in (which wouldn't have happened months ago- she would have refused to go and would have pressured them not to leave her out) and they feel less put on.

From what I understand, Jane doesn't really have friends. Or at least not ones that stick. The last friendship she had lasted a few months. The mum of the other child eventually stopped it as she said Jane was very controlling. E.g. if Jane didn't want to do something, they couldn't do it. They could only play games or do what Jane wanted. Her daughter is quite shy so wasn't able to stand up herself hence why the mum eventually put a stop to the friendship. Confidence isn't an issue with Jane. The issue in my view is lack of social awareness and I think "intense" or overbearing is a good way of describing it.

Unfortunately, DD shares a couple of the same clubs as her as they play the same instrument. As most lunch breaks are taken up with these clubs, the couple of days she has to play at break time are even more precious to DD. Jane is unlikely to join new clubs as she is relying on my DD and her friend now.

@Sunshinealligator it certainly sounds like our DD are in the same situation. Like your DD, my DD and her friend now feel responsible for Jane but don't want to be hence DD asking me for advice. The tricky thing is that I think Jane has exhausted everyone else so she doesn't have anymore friendship options. In Y5, there are unlikely to be new girls joining the school as well.

I have said to DD that we can hope Jane finds someone else but hope isn't a strategy she wants to rely on!

I was going to just bump as mine are younger and we haven't been through this yet, but complex social dynamics already have me at a loss.

But thinking about it, this might be a good time to learn about boundaries and asserting herself. Being kind to others doesn't mean taking on their problems or being unable to hang out with your friends. Maybe go through a few situations and think what you would do yourself in a situation with adults. Eg You might not tell her to go away, but you would say "X and I are playing this game at the minute - it's something I've been looking forward to". And talk through how to draw boundaries if someone is controlling.

@stillsleeptraining thanks. This is really good advice and I will do this. I was raised very much as a people pleaser so this never came naturally to me and I certainly don't want the same for DD. Will have this chat this weekend!

Being nice doesn't mean being a pushover. Sounds like an ideal time to teach her about boundaries. Not doing things automatically to suit others and at the expense of yourself doesn't make you selfish, or negate your niceness.