Hello,
I'm basically coming here for advice as a last resort. Recently, a disagreement (not even sure I can call it that) with my MIL has left me feeling unsure and has knocked my confidence re my parenting. I am a stay at home mom.
Our children are both under 3. Recently we left thek with MIL for a night to go to a wedding. I knew when I left them that all my instructions re bedtime, food, pacifiers etc would be nearly completely ignored, and thats fine I give the grandparent pass.
When we arrived back the next afternoon, I was met with a demon in the form of our eldest. She was running around with paci in (only has it for sleep at home), gone to bed nearly 4 hours past bed time the night before, was full of sugar and had been drinking soda (big no for me personally) and fruit juice. Had massive nappy rash which didnt have when I left, but I suspect it was from all the sugar concentrating theur urine.
Anyway, I gave the granparent pass to all this except the nappy rash which I did point out and get an apology for. Fine. Im not confrontational in general, but for the sake of 1 night i left it go.
But then came bed time..
I had noticed like I said, they were a bit tantrumy. The grown ups were having dinner and while that was happening they were falling asleep ob the couch. So after dinner (8pm) I decided to go for it. Bedtime. All good except when MIL saw them in pjs her face dropped and she said "oh not bed time already surely?" And proceeded to try and take baby out of my arms which I politely said yes we are going to read a story and go to bed. Instead of backing me up and saying night night, more resisiatnce and oh nos and trying to take toddler out of my arms. Screaming tantrum ensued, I was big bad mommy.
I just carried on, and on the walk down the house from MIL to the rest of the family to say good night, toddler had calmed. Happily saying good night to everyone, but MIL followed and carried on the oh no let him stay up gig. I persisted, another tantrum kicked off but we went to the room where he was sleeping. 2 stories and 20 mins later he was nice and calm. Until I turned off the lights toddler did start crying. So I stayed in the room shushing and saying "time for sleep now". In the middle of this MIL burst in and screamed at me that I was cruel and was traumatising my child. In shock I said back hes okay and hes tired from being up late. She responded that it was unbearable and she couldnt believe it but closed the door and went away.
Toddler stopped crying two mins later. And was asleep 2 mins after that. I stayed another 10 mins waiting so as not to disturb toddler and also absorbing what had just haplened.
You see I had had previous incidents with MIL where I had felt uncomfortable. When out eldest was 7 months she tried to take her spoon off me when I was doing dinner and when I said I was happy to do it she lost it at me for not letting her help, sulked for hours afterwards and wouldnt look at me. Another time on a walk she asked about mine and her sons sex life. While I was in hospital having our first baby she stayed in our house and rearranged cuoboards and furniture. It goes on.
Now I had approached my partner about MIL before but he had always said I was taking her up wrong and wouldnt speak up about it. But this time he witnessed the event, and he was horrified. So i decided to go for it. Speak up let her know it wasnt okay. I thought after toddler falling asleep so quiclkly she might have calmed down or even been a bit sorry for acting how she did, I dont know? This wasnt the case..
When I approached her to talk she had her head in her phone avoiding eye contact with me. When she finally did come in ...
She told me I had teaumatized my child, that she would wake up scrdaming in the night (she didnt), that she was traumatized from hearing the child cry (when in my opinion she was a catalyst for the tantrum), but the thing that got me most was she said she has stood ten times back and has given "side eye" to plenty of things I do and hasnt said anything. This hurt me. I didnt know what to say at that point and I gave up trying to explain or reassure her (which looking back I think was I mad to even bother doing that?) that toddler was okay. She said what I did was so wrong and she was shocked. Also when I told her toddler hadnt fallen asleep crying they had cheered up first before falling asleep after being reassured she said she couldnt be sure of that because she wasnt in the toom. She also said toddler had only gone to bed because I was done for the day. This also hurt me as I rarley leave my children, let alone over night and it was my first time leaving our youngest and I couldnt wait to see my kids that day.. anyway..
This happened 3 weeks ago and there hasnt been a day since it hasnt played on my mind. Whether its questioning my parenting skills or wondering if I did damage my child in some way. My logic says no, I look at my children every day and think they are so happy and I really do nothing but try my best by them. Im so used to my own family egging me on telling me Im a great mom that I think this really just threw me.
I dont know how to carry on my relationship with my MIL. I havent seen her since. And I also cant seem to get my confidence back up to where it was.
Any advice or opinions would be really so appreciated. Even if you dont agree with my parenting style Im open to opinions..
Just need to get my groove back..