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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want his ex so involved?!

22 replies

GodKnowWhut · 18/11/2021 14:28

Me and DHs ex (mother of my SC) have just about rubbed along okay since me and DH met. At first she was very unkind to me and so the relative peace we have now was mainly achieved by just keeping out of each others way. We are polite when face to face but that's about it, never had her number, never been overly friendly, never had much more conversation than hi and bye at drop off/pick up.

Anyway, I had our first baby nearly a year ago. A DD.

Since then, DHs ex just seems overly involved. Always wanting to say hello to her, wanting to come in for a 'quick cuddle' at drop off. DH has even started taking her round there when he picks the DSC up as she is apparently "delighted to see her", DSC are always snapping pictures of DD and sending them to her as well. They have even asked if she can come to her birthday party next month.

I understand DD is her children's sister and that must be strange but I feel really uncomfortable at this level of interest in her by DHs ex. Especially when she can barely look me in the face and hasn't always been very nice to or about me (still isn't sometimes).

AIBU? Do I just need to get over this? I already feel like this woman seeps into every part of our lives in some way shape or form, she can be very controlling imo of how DH does things, and now it's happening with DD as well.

I think I'd feel a bit more positively if this seemed to be some sort of olive branch between us type scenario, but it doesn't feel that way. She's interested in DD but still couldn't give me the time of day.

I want to say all these nipping in to see her / him taking her to hers etc... Need to stop. She's not her child and whilst DSC are DDs siblings, she isn't DDs family. Her and DH don't even get along themselves most of the time!

OP posts:
Drinkingallthewine · 18/11/2021 14:40

It might be unpopular but I never let my baby hang out with a particular person that hated his mother. I just could never fully trust their motives.

In a step-parent dynamic though it's a lot tricker. I'd imagine that you can't do much if they send on photos of their sister to their mum but I wouldn't let DH visit with the baby for stepmother's benefit - the older siblings can see the baby when they get back to yours. And on the birthday party, did you get invites to parties at her house?

GunsNShips · 18/11/2021 14:56

I don’t think YABU unreasonable at all. And no, she’s not invited to her party. You’re hosting it and if she can’t be nice to you, why would you.

I think it’s better all round if you two stay at arms length - you definitely don’t want to get to the stage where it looks like you don’t agree with how she brought up her children because you’re doing it differently

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/11/2021 14:59

Christ does she need to get out more?

I’m perfectly happy to see my children’s baby brother but wouldn’t go out of my way to try to, or ask to go to his party

GodKnowWhut · 18/11/2021 15:00

Sorry just to clarify its DSC who've asked if she can come to the party. I don't think she has asked. But don't know what to say when DSC ask!

OP posts:
Darkstar4855 · 18/11/2021 15:02

You have a relationship with her children despite not actually being family and despite not really speaking to their mother. I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong and it’s probably nice that she’s making an effort with your daughter as it will help your stepchildren feel included and not pushed out by the new arrival.

I don’t think you would be unreasonable not to have her at your daughter’s birthday or other occasions but I think your husband just popping in with her when he’s dropping off the others shouldn’t really be an issue.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/11/2021 15:06

Oh yes exh does bring his baby here when collecting my two - I assume it’s to give his partner a rare break though, not for my benefit Grin

Bluntness100 · 18/11/2021 15:11

I think this is lovely for your daughter. Your post smacks of it being about what’s best for you and not what’s best for your child. And what’s currently occuring is best for your child.

TakeMe2Insanity · 18/11/2021 15:20

This is kind of like the post the other day where the lady didn’t like strangers liking her baby. In your case maybe the baby has softened ex? Maybe view it innocently? Not the same scenario but a friend of my mother’s has never liked me but randomly met my dc one day and since then she has been his biggest fan. Over time she has warmed to me too. It could be innocent. Maybe invite her in to see your dc then next time she picks/drops then you can see for yourself how she interacts.

PourMeALemonade · 18/11/2021 15:20

@Bluntness100

I think this is lovely for your daughter. Your post smacks of it being about what’s best for you and not what’s best for your child. And what’s currently occuring is best for your child.
No, I think this is totally unfair. If it were actually about what's best for any of the children involved, the DSCs Mum would be friendly with the OP. That would be lovely for all of the children involved, to see all of the adults getting along.

How is it in the best interests of ANY of these children to have their mothers be like this with each other?

It actually sounds like OP would be open to a better relationship with the ex but she isn't.

I would not call being unable to look the step mother of your children in the face and barely saying hello or bye to her being "in the best interests of the children".

NorthSouthcatlady · 18/11/2021 15:21

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing quite! It’s odd and l would want her to back away

Bluntness100 · 18/11/2021 15:24

I agree the ideal scenario would be the op and the mum get on too. But I do think the mum welcoming the child and being involved and the children being excited about their new sibling is next thing best up.

Horst · 18/11/2021 15:25

I mean it does seem weird however surely it’s lovely that she’s nice and wants to involve her dds sister in her life?

If the sister wants her at her birthday that’s perfectly normal. In fact are you sure the ex is really really that bothered and not doing what the dd wants from her.

GodKnowWhut · 18/11/2021 15:26

Maybe invite her in to see your dc then next time she picks/drops then you can see for yourself how she interacts

I've been here when she's come in a few times. She doesn't even look at me. Will at a push say hello if I say it. I've even tried to join in conversation a little and she doesn't even look at me and just responds to anyone else in the room. It's awkward and makes me uncomfortable every time.

This may sound a bit paranoid but I honestly feel this is just so she can remain involved in his life. She has always had to make sure she's the most prominent person in his life, always berating him and trying to control various things. It just seems like another way to be involved and because this doesn't really involve her she has to force it to.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/11/2021 15:27

Sorry to keep posting but came back after the @NorthSouthcatlady gave me

I think welcoming is one thing - but welcoming is passive rather than active. That’s kind of how I approach it - laid back and happy with seeing the baby or not as the case may be

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/11/2021 15:28

Mind you I like my exh’s partner but I don’t like him - I don’t let the kids know that I don’t like him!

Chiwi · 18/11/2021 15:37

This is a tricky one.

I couldn't have imagined a scenario where things would work out harmoniously when my DH told his ex we were having a baby. Shit hit the fan. But the kids adore their sister, like a crazy amount-she's going to grow up believing she should always be treated like a princess I'm sure 😅
This has meant their mum has thawed and she has bought her Xmas and birthday presents and given her some hand-me-down clothes from the girls.
However given how unbelievably awful she was to me, about me and about my daughter immediately after she was born and when I was pregnant I just don't know if I could ever feel happy with her being around my daughter and giving her cuddles so I get how uncomfortable you must feel.
I'm always desperate for a harmonious life though so in all honesty if she asked to come to a party or whatever I'd just be pleased she wasn't causing mayhem- we had some rough years.

GodKnowWhut · 18/11/2021 16:37

I don't think she'd actually come to the party tbh there will be a lot of my family there so would be a bit awkward for everyone involved I would think.

OP posts:
PicaK · 18/11/2021 16:50

It's her children's sister. I can kind of see the interest.
My child is adopted and I do feel a great fondness for their birth siblings.
Is her behaviour improving though now?

tallduckandhandsome · 18/11/2021 16:53

I think your instincts are right, OP.

Tell DH he can't take baby round there anymore and a definite no to inviting her to the party.

GodKnowWhut · 18/11/2021 17:19

@PicaK

It's her children's sister. I can kind of see the interest. My child is adopted and I do feel a great fondness for their birth siblings. Is her behaviour improving though now?
I do understand the interest. Just don't see the need for her to be so involved and as I say I really don't think it's coming from that sort of place. She HAS to be centre of his life in some form or another, this is just her way of involving herself in something she's not involved in. Like reminding him she's still there in a way. That's genuinely how it feels.
OP posts:
Takenoprisoner · 18/11/2021 19:21

@GodKnowWhut

That is extremely odd behaviour on her part. I would not allow anyone who was this uncivil and rude to me, to have a relationship with my dc, it's harmful to your dc to have a relationship with this woman who ignores her mother.

I would not allow her into the house for cuddles with my child or for my child to go over to hers. Your dc is not a toy. And if the dsc insist on their mother having this sort of relationship with your dc, I would tell them they are children and don't get to make these adult decisions.

You, and your dh need to stop enabling her territorial and sinister behaviour.

GodKnowWhut · 18/11/2021 19:59

Thanks for the replies

OP posts:
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