AIBU - is there a way to move on

[notsorighteousthesedays]

Long and pathetic story but help required please!
Husband left 3 years ago out of the blue. Lots and lots of angst and tears from him - he needed to be alone, there was no-one else, had never been anyone else, he still loved all of us, he didn't know if he could carry on etc etc.
I was completely devastated - I'd known he was unhappy but he said it was cos of stuff at work not us so I was very willing to believe him when he said he wanted to try again.
We had a few meetings and on one occasion spent the afternoon in bed - this was a huge step for me - we hadn't had intercourse for some time because due to his occasional physical violence and threatening behaviour I had become physically scared of him.
Things have dragged on - I focussed on a new job and supporting our children and the pets he left behind.
We have had diminishing levels of contact as he very rarely sees our children either (only one is still at school) but he has always maintained that he is not in a relationship with anyone else. And I accepted his excuses as I needed to believe he did still care about us all.
About 6 weeks ago I found out through conversation with a friend that he did have a partner and that her child had met her!!
Very little digging on my part then revealed that my children had known about her for a long time, had met her and had socialised with her. That he had been in a relationship with her for months before he left and that it was in fact her house that he moved into and has lived there ever since.
A lot of stuff then fell into place.
It has wrecked my relationship with my two eldest and severely damaged that with my youngest - the only one full-time at home. They knew how upset I was and how worried I was about his mental health but kept it all a secret.
I keep getting flashbacks to having sex with him - when I thought he was vulnerable and lonely and we were trying to help each other - but he was busy flashing his new relationship to everyone except me.
I can't seem to get my head round any of it so AIBU and where do I go from here?

Oh op I'm so sorry...your husband is a dick and I know it feels like your children betrayed you but if you were scared of him the likelihood was your kids were too and if they told you they would likely have received the backlash from their dad.

Even if a parent is abusive kids still yearn to be loved by them and they probably didn't know how to tell you.

Have you a good support network? Would you consider going to a counsellor? You've been through such a traumatic event that you need to be gentle with yourself

Thanks @2ndtimemum2 - it's the balance between head and heart I can't manage.

I know it's mostly due to his manipulation of all of us but how can I make myself feel this too? At the moment I find it really hard to spend time with the eldest two (22 and 18) as I'm just thinking 'how could you lie to me all that time?'

And I am dreading Christmas when I expect we will all be at home for extended periods of time...

I feel humiliated and betrayed by them as well as him.

I assume he got considerable satisfaction from making them play happy families with him and his partner whilst still feeding me his lines about depression, anxiety etc and knowing that everyone knew he was 'all loved up' but me.

What really burns is that my children were all in on it too, and who else knows - my friend was mortified when she realised I had no idea....

I think at 22 and 18 they're old enough to be asked why they didn't tell you. It may be that their father told them a very different story to the one he told you. Don't ask the 'how could you lie to me' question until you've heard their answer, but if you generally - before this - had a good relationship with them I think you're entitled to ask. They must have had a reason. I know the received wisdom is that you don't involve the DCs in their parents' arguments, but they've obviously had an agenda, whether their own choice or forced on them. And I'm not sure you will move on until you've got some answers. Try to get them together, and when you talk to them keep it calm and factual. if you can, avoid bringing your own emotions into it.

Pat of the problem is that you're now feeling you've been taken, by everyone, for a mug. But mostly this is down to H. He's been a toe rag of the highest order, and you're bound to be feeling silly and vulnerable that you did everything that you did to try to help him and believed him when he said there was no-one else. Don't blame yourself for that, you were being a good person. make sure you put the blame fairly and squarely where it belongs, on him.