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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop ex husband seeing children

112 replies

sal1223 · 17/11/2021 20:30

I don't want to and will probably get flamed but I'm sick with stress and not sure what to do . Kicked husband of 15 years out for infidelity and drugs , he was doing cocaine and sleeping around for 2 years without my knowledge. Since he moved out he's only seen the children here in the family home , it's supposed to be 3 times a week but he isn't consistent and hasnt seen them at a weekend for over 6 weeks . I wouldn't trust him to have them on his own and he never had them on his own when we were together (he isn't asking for more contact either ) , one child has additional needs that he doesn't cope well with . I feel like he's spiralling with drink and drugs - I've had 5 plus people tell me recently that they think he's a problem and they wouldn't have him around the kids. This is people that have seen him out or what he's been posting online (I'm not on social media thankfully)
I find him reckless and irresponsible, also a bit frightening. He has threatened to top himself when he's not got his own way- he has also been aggressive and threatening towards me in the past , I logged one incident with the police after he'd left but played it down as I felt guilty for calling them - looking back it was in some ways an emotionally abusive relationship towards the end .
I've been on hold for 3 hours to 101 to update them and try to get some advice but just got cut off . My problem now is it makes me feel uneasy when he's here , the man he is now isn't someone I would chose to have around the children , he's unstable , unpredictable and can be very intimidating. He's fallen asleep during contact and got very agitated when I've woken him and threatened to not come and see them again - upsetting for them ! He's not a good dad or a good role model and if he is in fact getting more involved with drink and drugs then I don't want the kids around him . I just don't know what to do , do I wait until he slips up while he's here ? Do I tell him he should stay away until he's sorted himself out ? I would never know if he was on something - and all I really have to go on is hearsay / rumours . Any advice or signposting would be greatly appreciated, my friend said call children's services see what they say . We are not in court over contact or anything , it's just what we initially agreed . I don't feel like I can just say he can't see them anymore , but I'm not happy about him being here . There's no family that could facilitate contact and I don't have any suggestions for how he could see them that doesn't involve coming here . I don't know 😵‍💫 he's really not that fussed about them - but I don't want to be the woman that stops a father seeing his kids . Sorry this is a bit rambled I'm rushing coz need to get kids in bed . Thanks in advance anyway x

OP posts:
DriftingPlateTectonic · 17/11/2021 22:46

You absolutely can and should stop contact if it's putting the DC at risk. I went to court to confirm that I'd done the right thing by doing that and he hasn't bothered to see them in two years.

Original poster
sal1223 · 17/11/2021 22:50

@DriftingPlateTectonic can you elaborate on the court bit for me please , what did you apply for ? On what basis

OP posts:
willstarttomorrow · 17/11/2021 22:55

OP, I am a CP social worker. Family contact should always be decided on the basis of what is best for the children. So no automatic right to parents for it to be at a time, place or frequency that meets their needs. Family time should be child focused, if the children are ill or do not want to go, it just does not happen. Also, if the parent is inconsistent or turns up not fit to spend quality time with their children and the children are impacted by this- then I will always argue against an automatic right to contact. It is heart breaking seeing children let down time and time again. Of course there is the arguement that children need to know their families and life story but if attempts at contact are harmful it needs to stop.

SaturdaySummer · 17/11/2021 22:56

@sal1223

I don't want to and will probably get flamed but I'm sick with stress and not sure what to do . Kicked husband of 15 years out for infidelity and drugs , he was doing cocaine and sleeping around for 2 years without my knowledge. Since he moved out he's only seen the children here in the family home , it's supposed to be 3 times a week but he isn't consistent and hasnt seen them at a weekend for over 6 weeks . I wouldn't trust him to have them on his own and he never had them on his own when we were together (he isn't asking for more contact either ) , one child has additional needs that he doesn't cope well with . I feel like he's spiralling with drink and drugs - I've had 5 plus people tell me recently that they think he's a problem and they wouldn't have him around the kids. This is people that have seen him out or what he's been posting online (I'm not on social media thankfully) I find him reckless and irresponsible, also a bit frightening. He has threatened to top himself when he's not got his own way- he has also been aggressive and threatening towards me in the past , I logged one incident with the police after he'd left but played it down as I felt guilty for calling them - looking back it was in some ways an emotionally abusive relationship towards the end . I've been on hold for 3 hours to 101 to update them and try to get some advice but just got cut off . My problem now is it makes me feel uneasy when he's here , the man he is now isn't someone I would chose to have around the children , he's unstable , unpredictable and can be very intimidating. He's fallen asleep during contact and got very agitated when I've woken him and threatened to not come and see them again - upsetting for them ! He's not a good dad or a good role model and if he is in fact getting more involved with drink and drugs then I don't want the kids around him . I just don't know what to do , do I wait until he slips up while he's here ? Do I tell him he should stay away until he's sorted himself out ? I would never know if he was on something - and all I really have to go on is hearsay / rumours . Any advice or signposting would be greatly appreciated, my friend said call children's services see what they say . We are not in court over contact or anything , it's just what we initially agreed . I don't feel like I can just say he can't see them anymore , but I'm not happy about him being here . There's no family that could facilitate contact and I don't have any suggestions for how he could see them that doesn't involve coming here . I don't know 😵‍💫 he's really not that fussed about them - but I don't want to be the woman that stops a father seeing his kids . Sorry this is a bit rambled I'm rushing coz need to get kids in bed . Thanks in advance anyway x
Citizens advice might be a good 'all round' place to start?
Original poster
sal1223 · 17/11/2021 23:01

@willstarttomorrow thanks for your reply - what do you think I should do then?

OP posts:
DriftingPlateTectonic · 17/11/2021 23:11

[quote sal1223]@DriftingPlateTectonic can you elaborate on the court bit for me please , what did you apply for ? On what basis [/quote]
Family court. I applied for a Child Arrangement Order to try and get some formal contact agreement in place. I outlined safeguarding concerns including abuse, addiction, being drunk during previous contact. You can do it without legal representation and it can be free to apply to court in some circumstances. You can get half an hour free advice from a solicitor so find one that deals with family law and go from there.

shiningjustforyou · 17/11/2021 23:17

[quote thenewduchessofhastings]@sal1223

I'd say you'd need to self refer to social services and discuss your concerns about contact with their father in regards to alcohol/drugs/inability to cope.

They may arrange for supervised contact in a centre supervised by a staff member there so you don't have to see him.

He'd have to stick to a day,time and a certain length of time eg an hour.
[/quote]
They won't. Not unless the children are open to them on a plan, probably child protection. Even then, it's all voluntary without a court order. There is nothing here to suggest that the children need to be open to social care. They can be safeguarded by their other parent.

If the OP refuses to facilitate contact at her home then the ex can try to find a contact centre and pay to see them there.
Or he can go to court and take his chances there.

Original poster
sal1223 · 17/11/2021 23:18

@DriftingPlateTectonic ok thanks will look into it

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 17/11/2021 23:20

But then what if it goes in his favour 😬 hard to prove certain things

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 17/11/2021 23:20

@DriftingPlateTectonic and he'd have to agree to it though yeah ?

OP posts:
beigebrownblue · 17/11/2021 23:32

@sal1223

I don't want to and will probably get flamed but I'm sick with stress and not sure what to do . Kicked husband of 15 years out for infidelity and drugs , he was doing cocaine and sleeping around for 2 years without my knowledge. Since he moved out he's only seen the children here in the family home , it's supposed to be 3 times a week but he isn't consistent and hasnt seen them at a weekend for over 6 weeks . I wouldn't trust him to have them on his own and he never had them on his own when we were together (he isn't asking for more contact either ) , one child has additional needs that he doesn't cope well with . I feel like he's spiralling with drink and drugs - I've had 5 plus people tell me recently that they think he's a problem and they wouldn't have him around the kids. This is people that have seen him out or what he's been posting online (I'm not on social media thankfully) I find him reckless and irresponsible, also a bit frightening. He has threatened to top himself when he's not got his own way- he has also been aggressive and threatening towards me in the past , I logged one incident with the police after he'd left but played it down as I felt guilty for calling them - looking back it was in some ways an emotionally abusive relationship towards the end . I've been on hold for 3 hours to 101 to update them and try to get some advice but just got cut off . My problem now is it makes me feel uneasy when he's here , the man he is now isn't someone I would chose to have around the children , he's unstable , unpredictable and can be very intimidating. He's fallen asleep during contact and got very agitated when I've woken him and threatened to not come and see them again - upsetting for them ! He's not a good dad or a good role model and if he is in fact getting more involved with drink and drugs then I don't want the kids around him . I just don't know what to do , do I wait until he slips up while he's here ? Do I tell him he should stay away until he's sorted himself out ? I would never know if he was on something - and all I really have to go on is hearsay / rumours . Any advice or signposting would be greatly appreciated, my friend said call children's services see what they say . We are not in court over contact or anything , it's just what we initially agreed . I don't feel like I can just say he can't see them anymore , but I'm not happy about him being here . There's no family that could facilitate contact and I don't have any suggestions for how he could see them that doesn't involve coming here . I don't know 😵‍💫 he's really not that fussed about them - but I don't want to be the woman that stops a father seeing his kids . Sorry this is a bit rambled I'm rushing coz need to get kids in bed . Thanks in advance anyway x
I would really like to read this post but can't read it without paragraph breaks sorry. Try to put these in.
beigebrownblue · 17/11/2021 23:34

@willstarttomorrow

OP, I am a CP social worker. Family contact should always be decided on the basis of what is best for the children. So no automatic right to parents for it to be at a time, place or frequency that meets their needs. Family time should be child focused, if the children are ill or do not want to go, it just does not happen. Also, if the parent is inconsistent or turns up not fit to spend quality time with their children and the children are impacted by this- then I will always argue against an automatic right to contact. It is heart breaking seeing children let down time and time again. Of course there is the arguement that children need to know their families and life story but if attempts at contact are harmful it needs to stop.
Yes but the family court is a total shambles these days. Who doesn't know that?

Plese take the very old rose tinted spectacls off.
check out the Nurturing Coach.

She used to be a social worker and she knows how it is.

Yes, children are let down by the system.

Every single second.

DriftingPlateTectonic · 17/11/2021 23:35

[quote sal1223]@DriftingPlateTectonic and he'd have to agree to it though yeah ?[/quote]
Honestly, see a solicitor and get some advice on your individual case. I can only tell you what happened in my circumstances but I'm certainly not an expert.

Mulhollandmagoo · 17/11/2021 23:58

I don't know how it works, but could you arrange contact through a contact centre? That way if he doesn't turn up, or is late or falls asleep or anything else like that it will be documented. Otherwise like other posters have said, just tell him no more and let him take you to court, which he most likely won't do.

When you say he just texts and asks to come round, is it just sporadic? Or does he have set days and times? Because if not that would be the first thing I would do, tell him he comes on certain days at set times, he can't just come and go as he pleases. That way if you text/email him with the arrangements and he doesn't show its on him, you've arranged and facilitated contact and hmits him who's dropped the ball

SocialConnection · 18/11/2021 01:00

I can only say what I would do - if he came round again I would set up my phone to discreetly audio/video record his behaviour. Collect any real evidence of disturbing behaviour.

oldstudentmum · 18/11/2021 18:28

Op You can apply to the courts yourself, I did.

Original poster
sal1223 · 18/11/2021 23:05

@oldstudentmum I had a quick google and just don't know I have enough to go on with no proof .
He was supposed to see them tonight , I txt in the afternoon asking if he would prefer to see them once in the week? Instead of twice - no answer so I txt and said are you coming tonight ? He said no as 'I' made it very clear in my msg 😵‍💫 I was like - I asked a question??? What do u want to do ? No answer .
The reason I've said that ☝️ is to give you all an idea of the manipulation & blame game I'm dealing with here

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 18/11/2021 23:06

@SocialConnection I'm going to look at the ring indoor cameras etc coz it's a good idea

OP posts:
CherryDocsInYrBalls · 18/11/2021 23:23

Stop texting him. Texting him three times in one day is not grey rock method. Stop giving him the power and control. Get a solicitor to draft him a letter outlining when and where he can see the children, and document it every time he is late or doesn't show up. If he is not fit to parent them then stop contact and let him take you to court for contact. Take back control of the situation. Contact at your house is not good for anyone, it needs moving to a contact centre. Which he can pay for. If he harasses you apply for a non molestation order.

Original poster
sal1223 · 18/11/2021 23:25

I know what you're saying but I wanted to suggest less contact , and also know if he was coming or not because it gives me such anxiety not knowing .

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 18/11/2021 23:27

I don't see how I can dictate when and where when I have no proof of his lifestyle choices .

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 18/11/2021 23:29

If I went to the court and asked for a child arrangement order with contact in a contact centre , outline my concerns etc , as a pp said it may open the door to more unsupervised contact like ok to have them as long as he doesn't take cocaine 24 hours before seeing them - or something ridiculous like that

OP posts:
CherryDocsInYrBalls · 18/11/2021 23:36

No family court would give him access three times a week in your family home. You need to stop texting him and get contact formalised. Do not let him step foot in the house and if he frightens you, report him to the police so there is a record. You can do this. I would suggest you stop contact with him and speak to a solicitor to get the ball rolling. When men intimidate the mother of their children they are abusive men and it's now become a priority that you protect yourself and your children from him. You don't need to live like this.

Original poster
sal1223 · 18/11/2021 23:38

Thanks for your msg - it's been such an awful 6 months I feel like I've been on autopilot . I'm a bit scared too how he'll react

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 18/11/2021 23:50

Most of the time he's fine when he comes here to see them - and it could just fizzle out . He got shitty when I woke him up - twice - not necessarily intimidating but I told him not to raise his voice to me so somewhat heated . I'm off Monday so will start making calls and getting advice . He has a sort of girlfriend now by the sound of it , lots of risqué pics on Facebook I haven't seen not that it bothers me but I think he's preoccupied with that too now 🤞

OP posts: