To be feeling sorry for myself?

[Turtletastic]

It's been a hard couple of years and this past two days have just been so tiring and stressful that I haven't stopped crying.

Dp left me after 13 years to be with much younger Ow 2 years ago, they had a baby last year and it totally broke me and our dc.
Yesterday ds11 was acting up being rude and generally just misbehaving so much that I couldn't even muster up the energy to take him to school.
I text exdp during the day to ask if he could either give him a call or pop round after work to speak to him, which he replied for me to call him later in the evening and he would speak to him.
So as I know he works late on a Tuesday I called around 7.30pm only for his partner to answer and tell me that "I am not allowed to call him after 6pm as it is messing up their family time, and if I want to speak to him about our dc to do so between 4 & 6pm"
Firstly let me just say I am not the type of ex who calls at random times of the day and night nor do I call or text asking for things. I rarely speak to him and will only ever speak about our dc.
This has again floored me, I was with this man for 13 years had two children with him and lived a relatively happy life, until he cheated.
Who in the hell does she think she is to tell me I cannot get much needed support from the father of my children?

This is not the only thing that has happened, as its coming upto Christmas I have asked what will be happening, only to be told he will not be seeing dc as she has booked them a holiday with her family and he can't get out of it, so will not only miss Christmas with them but also dd9 birthday which is a few days after all because she believes that now they have a child mine don't matter.

Then today to top it all off I have been diagnosed with endometriosis and told that paired with my age it will be either extremely hard or practicality impossible for me to conceive again.
I wanted another child and exdp didn't and I'm finding it very hard to come to terms with the fact he's with a 24 year old and just had another baby and I'm here pushing 40 and single with no hope of having another.

I've just been sat at home in the dark all day crying, I need a hug and a good nights sleep.

Aww bless you I couldn't read and run.

I feel gutted for you bless you and your babies.
it's painful when men move on but when they seem to
Move on from there own kids is when it hurts the most.

I've been there too many years ago and I'm so sorry your going through this too.

So sorry OP. I was a child with a father like this, and it hurts still. Even in my 50s. However he's now very old, ill and alone, and I don't visit him and have absolutely no guilt.

However I had my amazing mum and your DS has you and that's all that matters.

You will be a closer family because of it.

It doesn't help you right now. But it will get better. And do know? You probably won't believe this, but in a few more years, it won't hurt you as much anymore and you will end up feeling sorry for your ex.

He's missing out on amazing child. Fuck him! You can do this without his support.

I’m sorry your ex has literally thrown you and your children (his too) to the wolves. He’s completely abandoned you and his new partner is doing her best to burn every bridge you try to build.

It’s heartbreaking, especially for the children to realise their father has tossed them aside.

Have a good cry, and then make Christmas special for just you and your children. Find support from a friend or family in place of your ex. And frankly, I’d be doing court orders and maximum child maintenance orders through formal channels. He doesn’t deserve any informal, trust me agreements.

I agree he's an arse and doesn't deserve any of us.
I know he isn't happy there and is trying to make it work as I refused to have him back.

But what kills me is the lack of support and acknowledgment towards our children, they barely see him as it is due to the fact his partner is very insecure, so he doesn't like to so things away from her otherwise it causes an argument.
So my dc don't ever get any quality time with him and I'm just stuck in a state of complete tiredness with trying to maintain a home, work full time and try to be a good mum and honestly I'm losing the battle.

She’s insecure because once he left you to be with her, it created a vacancy, and she knows it.
I know it doesn’t help you now, but you really really will be better off in the long run. You and your children deserve better than a spineless arse who lets his girlfriend answer his phone and tell the mother of his children not to phone him.

OP, in the kindest way, you need to stop giving him so much headspace. He was a disloyal partner and is a disinterested father and is far more interested in his new set up than the family you had together. And however much you want and deserve his support, you're not going to get it. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can move on from the constant disappointment and hurt when he falls short.
So that's where you are. So what else do you have? You have your DC, and at 40 you have a lot of life left ahead of you. You need to focus on the things you have, and push him to the periphery. Do you have other people in your life who can support you? Can you call on friends or family?

What an arsehole!

I hope his dick rots and drops off

You're stressed, of course YANBU
You need someone to help out. Is there any way you could explain to your ex that you need more help? You are being treated very unfairly but I agree it does sound like she's insecure but that's no excuse for her acting so immaturely when you called.

Hugs. What a nasty pair they are.

You’re a good person with honour who has strong, loyal bonds. You would never do this to your kids and you aren’t a cheater. You win. They can fuck off. Ugh,

Focus on something nice for yourself and your kids. Best Christmas ever. You know that thing you always wanted? Get that for yourself this Christmas.

You deserve the happy future which is coming your way. Just hang in there for now.

Oh lovely, it is so hard for you at the moment. 11 is a horrible age with hormone surges, big life changes (high school) and generally wanting to be more grown up than they are. Throw in the fact his dad is a waste of oxygen and no wonder tour baby is acting out.

Have you spoken to school? They may be able to find someone for kids to talk to. Be honest and get their support.

Phone your ex, preferably when it's most inconvenient to the silly woman, and tell him a few home truths. Also make sure he is the one to tell the children he is going away and won't be around, why should you take their initial upset, he needs to deal with the consequences. He is a shit father. I'd also be tempted to remind the OW that he is your reject not her prize, but I am incredibly petty!!

Write a long letter venting everything and burn it. Go buy some plates from a charity shop and throw them at a picture of him on a wall.

Do whatever you need to feel better and try to remember that no matter how difficult it is now, he is the one who has lost his children's respect and love.

Sending you hugs xxxx

Sounds like you've been and an amazing strong woman. Sometimes we all need to sit in the dark and have a sob.

Treat yourself to some nice chocolate, hide it from the dc and eat it all to yourself in front of a film tonight when the dc are in bed

Re your exdh, he cheated on you, so he's not a nice person and will probably never have the backbone to stand up for his dc. What I will say is that once you stop expecting him to be a decent human and realise he's not, life gets soooooo much easier. Stop relying on him. Get yourself a reliable babysitter or someone who can help when you start feeling over whelmed with the dc. Again, once you stop relying on him life gets better. As for Xmas, see it as a good thing, you get the dc to yourself. Stop asking HIM what's happening. Make up your own mind what you want to happen and if suggests something else, don't change your plans. He fits in and around you and the dc now.

Thank you all so much.
I'm up off the sofa, have washed my face and just getting ready to go on the school run.

None of this is really about him or them, I just felt that no matter if we we're a family before we're not one now and I don't have that immediate support on hand to help with either the little or the big things that life throws at me.

She's Insecure,she sees you and your DC as a threat.I wouldn't be surprised if their baby was her attempt at locking him down.

However to be blatantly honest;it's been 2 years now and you haven't moved on emotionally from your ex;I can see it between the lines of your original post;you're still carrying a torch for him even if you refused to take him back;it sounds as though you haven't really been able to process what's happened.

If the kindest way;have you considered counselling?

I haven't fully processed it, it was a really difficult time. Just before lockdown I'd just found out that the man I've known for over 20 years and someone who I had spent 13 years with had cheated, he wanted to stay together but I couldn't do it. Then in the most awful way I found out that she was having a baby and as you say was definitely to secure her place in his life, he didn't want a child I know that but he also never protected himself so that's on him.

I have moved on in most ways, but unfortunately am being taunted my this woman for some unknown reason. Yes I do still love him that doesn't go overnight, I'm not still in love nor do I want a relationship with him anymore, but it's hard to move on fully when I'm still trying to figure out what I want for myself.

You are still making excuses for his behaviour.

He is choosing not to see your dc.
He is choosing to go away over Christmas and DD's birthday.
He is choosing not to be more involved.

You are explaining that choice by saying he is making his life easier, keeping his new partner happy, doesn't want her, doesn't want a baby.

She sounds like a nasty bitch but don't make excuses for him. He is choosing to leave your dc's behind. You need to move on. He's not the man you thought he was. He's not the dad you thought he was.

You can live a better life without him but it won't happen if you don't try to move on and move up.

Op ive been in a similar situation. It doesn't feel like it now but he's done you a favour. The ow sounds like a spiteful bitch but he is the real problem! He should be putting his foot down about when he speaks to you and Christmas. The fact that he is letting your children be treated like this tells you hes a disloyal, spineless selfish excuse of a man. You are better of without him.

I am really sorry you're going through this. But it will get better and you will see soon that you are better off without him.

He is a useless twat who doesn't deserve his children and likely never will. This 'relationship' with her won't last either, he will cheat on her and move in with the new one to escape his new child soon. Because he isn't a good person or parent unfortunately. He might be being bossed around by her, but he could stand up to her and say no to her. He is choosing not to.

Urgh I relate so much to this. Exh didn't leave me for the mother of his son but otherwise the situation was v similar. They split up before their son was 3 and honestly it's been heaven since then. Exh and I are great friends now. His exp is still a total nightmare but has much less impact.

There is hope.

Meanwhile honestly if he's going to bin off his kids at Xmas that's on him. At least you don't have to fit around him. Plan stuff with your lovely children and make the most of it xx

Oh op this is awful. Concentrate on your kids and making yourself happy, that’s all you can do.

He should have more balls to stand up to her, as I said I've known him for 20 years the man he is now is not the man I knew.
I don't know how and when he changed but he has, I'm also not making excuses for him I blame him completely for the situation, even though she knew we we're together.