To think BIL isn't really my "friend"

[isitxmassyet]

Since I've been with OH me and BIL have been really close. He was in the closet for ages and finally came out because of me I was with him through all of it. We've been on so many holidays together I would have considered him my best friend really.

We had a really good friendship, however if me and OH have a falling out he will always agree with OH whether right or wrong. I can appreciate that is his brother but of course their is always right and wrong.

I honestly just feel betrayed about some of the things he has said and siding with OH. He hasn't spoken to me for days now and he won't until he knows OH is ok with me.

Me and OH are splitting up and will eventually go our separate ways. But I don't see why BIL has to voice his own opinions and then give me the cold shoulder for days.

It's making me feel really shit and now I have come to realise that he isn't really my friend.

AIBU to feel this way?

I know when my brother and his ex had problems I still spoke to them both and didn't voice my opinion on their situation.

This is often the way op, ultimately blood is thicker than water. Most folks take their families side.

This sounds so tough :( Look after yourself and keep busy. Don't say or do anything too extreme while emotions are still raw. Give BIL abit of time and he might calm down and realise he might be loosing a fab friend xx

I'm sorry to hear you are splitting up but if he was your friend, retaining that friendship when you are splitting from his brother would be very difficult!
I think it's probably time to accept the friendship is most likely over.

Blood thicker than water unfortunately.

He sounds too involved, why was he even hearing about your arguments? Though to be fair it's not a nice position to be in if your ex was always slagging you off to him. If he has always been like this then I wouldnt expect him to change now. I would probably let the dust settle for a while, he probably isnt going to contact you for a while so have a think about whether you do want to be friends with someone who listens to shit said about you and treats you differently when you've had an argument with someone else. If so I'd contact him in a few months and just say you miss him and ask if there is the possibility of a friendship where you put the connection to your ex to one side

Of course I don't expect us to stay the best of friends when we do separate. However me and OH still have DC's together so I wouldn't want it to be awkward.It's just been something that has happened through the years that whenever me and OH had a problem he would stop talking to me.

It's just occurred to me today that he's not really my friend and it's just all false. If me and OH said right we will give it another go he would Be up my arse again wanting to make plans and do things etc.. it's just not genuine at all.

He sounds like a taker. He’s taken the support and isn’t giving it back. Yes, he probably is supporting his db, but best to leave him to it.
If he contacts you, you have every right to tell him to fuck off!

Who is telling him about your arguments -- you or your OH? Why does he know about any of this stuff? I agree with @DrinkFeckArseBrick, he's way too involved in the detail of your relationship, whether or not you're separating.

He sounds too involved, but as other PP’s have noted, families usually stick together after separations, it would be (sadly) rare if you both managed to stay at the same level of closeness afterwards in the long term.

It is pretty inevitable that you will grow apart once you separate from your DH. That is just life.

My brother divorced his wife years ago - I was very friendly with her but it just didn't make sense and felt weird to try and keep up the friendship. Ironically, I would have had her back more so than my DB over the years of their marriage.

I wouldn't say it's all false and he's not really your friend. However it's clear that he is a brother to your exH first, and your friendship doesn't take priority over their sibling relationship.

He’s in an awkward position. From the sounds of things if he wasn’t related to your oh then he’d be a great friend. As it is, you’re with his brother so he has to put up some boundaries due to family loyalty just in case you ever split up, which is what’s actually happened. Girlfriends are potentially only temporary where his brother is for life. He’s chosen for you to feel awkwardness over his brother which is not necessarily a poor decision.

Yes, blood is thicker than water. I'd say that if he always gives you the cold shoulder when you and your OH were fighting, that is distinctly odd and inappropriate and would have had me questioning the relationship long before now. But now that you're splitting up, of course he is not going to be close to you and he certainly isn't going to be listening to you listing your OH's faults etc.

@Xiaoxiong

I wouldn't say it's all false and he's not really your friend. However it's clear that he is a brother to your exH first, and your friendship doesn't take priority over their sibling relationship.

This.

Not false but not as strong as his relationship with his brother. As to who is telling him about the problems well that would be his DB which is neither wrong or unusual. Nobody would bat an eyelid at a woman discussing her problems with her sister why should 2 brothers not discuss theirs?