To be so stressed that it only happens at home!!

[ohIdoliketobebesidethesea]

I have a 3 year old DD, she is my youngest. She has a big speech delay so she basically can only say 2 words, she's under the paediatrician and speech therapy, she also has extra funding at nursery.
The issue is that at home she can be a complete terror! She is constantly hitting, biting, kicking and head butting me and her dad but mainly her sister. Sometimes this is when she is frustrated but a lot of the time it just comes completely out of the blue and there appears to be no cause.

She also hits, bites and scratches herself all the time, as well as constantly hitting her head against walls. This mainly happens when she is having a tantrum but can happen up to 50 times a day. I've spoken to the drs and health visitors about this but they always just say she will never do it hard enough to hurt herself so don't worry too much about it. However, she is definitely doing it hard enough to hurt herself and is constantly covered in bruises and bumps, not to mention the fact she's put a hole in the wall from hitting her head so hard.

I've also been told that at nursery they never see any of this behaviour, she behaves brilliantly whilst she is there. Yet the second we get home it's like a volcano that she's been building up all day and she just erupts.

We have (I hope!) a lovely home life, and I just can't tell why all of this stuff only happens at home. It's so frustrating because when I speak to nursery or anyone else about it I don't think they fully understand because they don't witness it themselves. So now I just feel like a rubbish parent

Video it. For GPs and for the nursery if you wish.

I'm not sure if a 3yo is old enough to be masking/adapting behaviour but it sounds like home is the safe space she can let it all out.

I'd second the PP on videoing it and showing it to GP, health visitor, nursery etc.

That sounds really hard on you all. Your poor DD.
You're not a bad parent. I think some children who struggle to self regulate try very very hard to keep it together in places like school and nursery and when they come home, feel secure and safe, it all comes out. Speech delay must be enormously frustrating.

Can you do some basic signing with her? I had noticibly less tantrums with the 2 of my dc I did it with. And both girls! It actually encourages speech too.
She is probably frustrated she can't communicate.. And a tantrum is one big communication!!

This sounds very difficult OP. I'd go back to the GP. As well as frustration, this could be sensory seeking behaviour. An assessment is warranted, and urgently. I'd be querying if your daughter is neurodiverse. She's still very young, of course, so it may be just a developmental phase, but it needs to be checked. She may need extra supports. Best of luck with everything OP.

Agree with BessieFinknottle post

My son has ASD and has always been perfectly behaved at school/ nursery and difficult at home. For him it’s a case of trying so hard all day to conform that he can’t cope at home. A common analogy is to think of a bottle of coke being shaken up all day and when home, the lid comes off…..

Yes I'd be thinking possibly autistic?
Regardless of the cause - don't doubt yourself, don't be fobbed off. It's not standard behaviour and sounds like it's causing her pain as well as be distressing. Take video footage and pester drs.
Is she better when you have an extended period at home? Just wondering if nursery is not meeting her needs so she is exploding when she gets home and maybe she needs a different environment?
Is she sensitive to noises, clothes, food? Does she sleep well?

Could be ASD and she’s masking/holding it in at nursery. My daughter used to only express it all at home (now at school too, but it’s not making it easier 😆). Push health visitor to help. Go to GP repeatedly with symptoms and ask for referral to paediatrician. You have to be relentless in pushing for help, and then there are long waiting lists.

Agree with a pp, do makaton signing with her if you don’t already to reduce frustration connected with speech. It does sound like there’s more to it than just a speech delay to be honest. What triggers the tantrums at home? Can you use ‘now and next boards’ as a visual timetable and plenty of sensory play. Also, what are her eating and sleeping like at home?

I should say, I have a DD with Down syndrome who had speech delay and was often aggressive in the early years, interestingly like with you, often towards her sister. It did improve with age!

For what it's worth my missus is a nursery teacher and I have lost count of the number of times she has praised the behaviour of a child on parents evening only for the parents to sit open mouthed and then tell her the child is a nightmare at home.

I was also going to suggest signing and videoing her to show your gp and nursery.

Your poor daughter and the rest of you.

@ohidoliketobebesidethesea.
Op. Firstly lets get something straight. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PARENT. YOU ARE A GREAT PARENT, DOING YOUR BEST IN A VERY DIFFICULT SITUATION AND WHATEVER YOU CAN TO HELP YOUR CHILD.
Right, I have spent many years working in various school, nursery settings and ran a childminding business for many years. My youngest GS has what is these days referred to as significant autism. At two we were told he would never talk. At six he can't have a conversation but his speech (mostly single words is coming on brilliantly).
I think that a video of your child at home would be the right thing to do. The HV, Doctor, and any other 'professionals ' although qualified do not live with your child and do not see the same as you. You need to a be a bit of a pain, tell them that your child needs more input from them, do you have a pediatrician and if so has your lo been referred to CAMHS yet ? As a pp suggested nursery is where your child wants to fit in and yes girls even at three can mask underlying problems. At home is her safe space, so she can relax, let out all her frustrations from the day unfortunateĺy you bear the brunt of it. Make sure you keep talking to the HV. I hope that she is supportive.

Does your child sleep ok ?
Feel free to pm me any time if you would like to.
You can do this this and we all have your back. 💐

No advice I am afraid but sending a hand hold OP. That sounds awful for you. What it does not sound like, is that you’re a bad parent. Be kinder to yourself. You’re doing great and I hope you get some good advice on here. ❤️

There's great advice here already, but some extra help you can give yourself is to try the techniques from Ross Greene's book The Explosive Child. I think he has a version for non verbal and younger children.

You should also make her a safe space to head bang (think of bean bags, cushions etc in a corner of a room where she can express her frustration without hurting herself).

You will need to be forceful about needing a referral to investigate neurodiverse conditions. The waiting lists are huge... So press for it to happen ASAP.

Ask the speech therapist next time to note any signs of autism. Speech therapists are part of the diagnostic team for ASD, and should have lots of advice and resources.

Look at the coke bottle effect.

Basically imagine a coke bottle and every day when something is frustrating her or hard for her she keeps it in but the bottle is shaken a bit more. When she gets home to somewhere that she feels safe to be herself the lid comes off the bottle and the frustrations are all released.

Thank you for all the replies! To answer some questions that have been asked:
She sleeps brilliantly, she hates going to bed but once she's asleep she will sleep through the night. She is very sensitive to change around bedtimes though so every teddy has to be in an exact place, we have to stick to exactly the same routine (bath, story ect) otherwise she gets really frustrated and angry. This also actually applies to any routine that we have in the day, so she has to sit at the same place on the table for dinner for example.

Her appetite is also really good, she loves her food and will pretty much eat anything that is put in front of her. The only thing she doesn't like is getting messy when she is eating so she will get upset if she gets any sauce on her fingers and it's not wiped off straight away for example.

Thank you for those that have explained that home is her safe space and that's why we get these types of behaviour at home. It can be really frustrating to hear from everyone else that she is so well behaved with them because it just makes me feel like it's me doing something wrong but it makes more sense now why she would only show her emotions at home.

I'm definitely going to go ahead with the suggestion of recording her when she is having one of these episodes so that I can show her paediatrician at her next appt.

Someone mentioned about being referred to CHAMMS? That hasn't been mentioned yet. She is under the child development team and pre school forum but because she only shows these behaviours at home I've been told that she doesn't need any more referrals because they think the only issue is her speech

I would second what has been said about home being her safe space. I also wonder if there is something about the structure and routine of nursery that helps her feel more contained and know what is going to happen.

My now 10 year old asd son was always smashing his head off things when he was young. The only way I could get him to stop was completely ignoring the behaviour. It sounds really harsh but it turned out he was doing it out of frustration (it is a coping mechanism) but also him getting attention for it (good or bad) was encouraging the behaviour.
We did sign language with him to begin the communication process. Also (and I know it sounds terrible) he had echolalia, which is repeating things he hears, so we (with supervision) encouraged him to watch educational TV and YouTube videos. All of this opened up his means of communication and meant that he was less frustrated and we could eventually work on developing coping mechanisms that meant he didn't feel the need to hurt himself.

In your situation you need to film any and all behaviours you find concerning especially as you do not have the backup of the behaviours occurring at the nursery.
You aren't doing anything wrong at all, intact it is quite the opposite. Your dd feels so comfortable at home that she can release all the tension and stress that she does not feel able to release at nursery. It is very unfortunate that she is doing it through means of self harm but there is a way through it.

One of the best things I done when I was going through it with my ds was educating myself on absolutely everything I could, not only with asd but conditions that can be linked to it so things like adhd, sensory, tourettes etc. And speak to parents, join fb groups and forums. You will find there are people out there who have first hand experience and there is a whole world of support out there.

I've only read the op yet, but that sounds like what we faced. Dd could control herself in public but then had to release all her tension from "doing it right" and copying others when she was in her safe space at home.

She was Dx'd as ASD (formerly called Asperger syndrome) and adhd when she was 6. Which allowed me do a lot of reading and get a better understanding of her. And also access some support and ideas for how to manage her behaviour and teach her skills to manage herself.

It's still hard, but at least I understand it better and know that it's not that she hates us, more that it is the place where she feels secure and loved.

There is an organisation called Family Lives www.familylives.org.uk/advice/early-years-development/

They were helpful to me in navigating the system

I have this, my daughter is 4 my older daughter is 10 and has asd, the youngest has just started reception and she is a little angel there but when I pick her up she is a nightmare she has the most awful meltdowns and attacks me and her siblings she scratched her own face in her meltdowns and when I sent her to school I informed them of the scratch and told them she had done it and they clearly didn’t believe me due to her being an angel at school 😒 I was stopped by the teacher in front of everyone and asked to explain the scratch and made to feel awful

Is it worth getting some visual bubble tubes? Like a snow globe? You could make some if you wanted? They have helped with big outbursts/tantrums when I’ve used them in nursery.

Google the coke can analogy.
My son is autistic and he was brilliant at preschool and then I'd pick him up and he would get to the doorway of home and then completely lose his shit. Lay on the floor, scream, cries, head bang etc. For anything up to an hour. It was absolutely awful to watch and there was nothing that could be done except make him safe and wait for it to end. He'd held it all in all day and coped and coped and coped and just taking that step through the door meant he didn't have to cope anymore. It was heartbreaking.
We changed a lot, routines, sleep, got more support in creche etc and he doesn't do it anymore but he needs to walk straight inside and have the same snack in the sane seat with the same TV program on everyday and that calms him.
You just need to find a plan that works for her. Occupational Therapy really helped us if that's an option you can access?
It's so tough I know but you will find what works for her and your family.