Messed up family situation? AIBU

[Halli2020]

Hi guys. Would like some other opinions. Myself and partner moved closer to my family (40 miles away from where we were previously) so that I could build a relationship with my dad, dad hasn't been in my life for many years so the past few years we have regularly met up and kept in contact etc. I have a young brother (8 years old) very big age gap, but my dad said with time we will be introduced etc, this was a long time ago. Everytime we met up he would say step mum still not ready to introduce me. (step mum hates my mum, haven't had contact with my mum for many months now) little brother doesn't know I exist.

So technically now myself and partner are isolated, hardly see family when we moved here to build a relationship, still situation not improving with step mum when I said I would meet her for coffee so we can have a chat etc etc. Everyone in my family (aunts and cousins) think this is wrong but nobody mentions this to my dad, I have now left family group chat.

I'm currently grieving my son and could do with their support but noone makes contact, I feel distraught and alone. Aibu?

I wonder why your dad did not say something at the time when he knew you were moving?

@Anordinarymum I think this too. Everyone was saying how nice it would be having us live nearby. My dad said things will progress once I live here. So far nothing has changed, but my mum always said he was a bullsh*tter so I'm starting to think maybe she is right.

I think perhaps you've pinned your hopes on something that ultimately isn't going to be how you want it to be.

@CatonMat me too, but when you're promised so much it's hard not to get your hopes up. I feel like I was lied too. Maybe it's time to cut off contact before I get hurt anymore

I can only imagine how hurtful it must be.
I'm sure there are others who can advise you better, but I suppose at least you are finding out for yourself how the land lies, however hard it is.
I wouldn't invest any more in this, in terms of expecting support.

Try asking the step mum if she would go to family mediation / counselling with you and your dad, so that everyone can get their feelings out in the open and you can understand where she is coming from. Maybe there's some history you don't know about. I have had a similar situation recently and this really helped and things have been mostly repaired (not the same situation but the same outcome in terms of feeling lonely, isolated, not knowing what you've done wrong or why your family is treating you this way, all down to poor communication)

Op,

I see that you say you're grieving for your son, I am so very sorry for your loss

I wonder, did you move after the loss of your son and might this have factor - a need to build relationships with your extended family? Certainly not to fill a gap! Please don't think I mean that, but out of a need for having family close by maybe?

Either way, I am so terribly sorry about your son and the fact that you're being so unsupported by your family. I'm afraid I agree with pp that your df doesn't have any real intention of following through with his promises. You and your dp should look to yourselves

I am thinking maybe step.mum is afraid you'll try and take your brother to meet your mum and doesn't know you're not in contact with her anymore, or something like this - you might be able to agree some boundaries and ground rules together that would make her happy for you to visit and see him.

It may not actually as simple as the problem being your stepmum that’s the problem. It may be your Dad having problems being faced with the guilt of his past constantly. He is probably really good at compartmentalising. He has you in one box, like an acquaintance he occasionally sees and “His Family” in another. I would move again.
So very sorry about your boy.

Remember that nobody is truly evil, everyone has experiences and motivations that lead them to take (to them) logical actions that may seem confusing, bewildering or hurtful on the surface if you don't know about those experiences/motivations. If you can find a way to communicate with her more openly you may find a way to see your brother or at least understand why she is doing what she is doing, which will hopefully feel less hurtful than "she is just being cruel for the sake of it or doesn't like me for some reason even though I've never done anything to her"

@Tibby99 we moved here when I was pregnant, because we have the extra room for a nursery too so it wasn't completely based on building a relationship with family, but mostly was if you see what I mean?

Thanks so much for all of your replies, all have been kind and helpful in your responses x

@KangarooSally I see where you're coming from. My step mum knows I don't see my mum as she has seen various police reports etc so has my dad. I have offered to meet up with her or to have a phone call but she is not willing so I don't think mediation is even in the pipeline. Although, this would probably be beneficial for both of us really. I am not even allowed to have my father on Facebook, as she doesn't want me seeing photos of my brother? It's all very strange really. Thankyou for your reply :)

@Justilou1 I think you've hit the nail on the head with that one. We are definitely looking at moving on again.

Your father has his limitations but because you haven't spent much time with him you are only just finding out about them.

This has made me really sad for you. I am sorry for the loss of your child. I cannot understand the reasoning behind keeping you secret from your brother, when do they think he will be old enough? I am sorry your Dad can’t step up and be a father when you need him. How long have you been living closer to them?
Where do your other aunties and cousins live? Are you invited to their family events and included?

I’ve not seen my dad since I was 16 ,so I could imagine doing the same in your shoes ,people don’t change ,they don’t suddenly become what we need ,when never having been what we need in the past .
It must hurt ,I do understand x

Your father future faked you and made promises he probably knew he couldn’t keep because he knew how his wife felt. You tried and now you know who he is, you can make decisions based upon the truth and not a fairytale.

I’m sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself by stopping prioritising someone who sees you as an option.

This is a very sad situation, so sorry .

Are you saying that your step-mother hates your mother so much that she won't have anything to do with you by association? Can you say why there is such extreme hatred?

If your dad wasn't in your life for years why did you think he would be involved now? Sorry to hear your situation OP but it's time to move on.

Very odd and very strange situation.

Maybe your step mother is controlling your father and he cant stand up for himself. I don't know.

Fwiw, My step mother is very controlling. I am no contact with any of my parents and wider family too, too due to family issues. I went through a lot as a child and an adult too. I wont go into it but it was all very bad and still affects me to this day

My father left my mother and remarried a lady who is spiteful, racist, controlling and abusive. When my father called me or I phoned him it would have to be on loud speaker so she can witness everything we are talking about. She also physically harmed my younger sister and regularly calls the police on my dad if he doesnt submit to her demands. She also hits my dad. I took a step back as it's clear my father will never leave her and they go on holidays and everything together. It's a bizzare toxic marriage but I cut ties 3 years ago with him because it was me making the effort and he clearly wouldn't care if I was alive or dead. The last time I saw him before that was 10 years.

It appears that your step mother is controlling your father. So what, if she doesnt like your mother. What the heck has that to do with you. You still should have a relationship with your little brother. I would be heartbroken if I knew my dad had another child with his new wife. And I didnt know. I was gutted when I found out he had been coming down south to see his siblings every summer for years and I live round the corner from them and he didnt even tell me and he knew I lived 2 streets away and it was me who cried down the phone to see him. And my husband was in support of me to reconnect with my father, however he came, half drunk, spent an hour with his grandchildren whom had never met and cleared off because he was in pain from falling over drunk the night before and hurting himself.
If I hadnt made the effort with him, he wouldn't have seen us.
And that's the way it seems it is going for you. They're messing you around and it really isnt fair. Maybe, for your own wellbeing, you can just cut ties with them all. It isnt your fault whatsoever that your step mother doesnt like your mum. That is her issue. But to stop you from having any form of relationship with your younger brother is really really sad. And not on. What a shame and I am sorry you're going through all of this.

I think speak to your dad firmly and sternly about how you feel and that you do want to be a part of your brothers life. If step mum keeps saying no, maybe it's just time to just give up and look for him when he is older.

I find it very ridiculous you're not even allowed on your fathers Facebook. Seems all very controlling and she is holding the puppet strings

Do you not even know what he looks like? His name? How sad, op.

I am also really sorry for your loss. Wish you nothing but the best

@Halli2020 That sounds really difficult if she isn't willing to communicate what the issue is 😔 How are you supposed to fix it?

In your shoes, before considering moving back, I would do some counselling and see what they offer as advice - perhaps writing her a letter, saying what you'd like to say to her if you were able to speak. You may be able to say what sort of relationship you would like to have with her step-son - maybe visiting once a week or every other week to have dinner with your dad and him, playing a video game with him and discussing school etc. And maybe you would like to one day progress to taking him out places. But stressing you're totally happy to respect all her boundaries and not do anything or talk about anything she doesn't want you to. And invite her to communicate back about what is bothering her or what you can to do alleviate it. It won't do any harm if you are otherwise considering moving back anyway - the worst that could happen is maybe she never replies to any letter, or she turns into a psycho and screams at you down the phone, but then you can just move like you were thinking about anyway.

What is your husband's family like? Yours sound like a a dead loss - they're not going to change and you could spend the rest of your life feeling like this. Can you put your focus into your 'new' family, your husbands, from now on?

I'm not sure I can judge the step mum as it sounds like there could be a lot of relevant back story to why step mum needs to protect her DS.

OP mentions not having contact with her mum and there being police reports to prove it so it sounds like there are some serious and potentially harmful issues within the family.

I'm sorry OP, but dad sounds useless, especially so if he left you with a less than adequate parent. I wouldn't rely on anything he says in future and would do whatever is best for you and your partner.

Bumping this post. I think me and partner are deciding to move on now. Basically have had a bit of an argument with my family saying they never bother to come by and say hello etc, they ofcourse say no this isn't true??? Then, I say they're not sticking up for me against my step mother to try and help resolve the situation, again they think they are in the right. As soon as I mentioned this to all of them in separate messages it was quite funny to see them all message back and bombard me on by one, ofcourse they're in the "right" so I've decided to go no contact.
Currently in the process of finding somewhere else where we are from.

Oh and I didn't even get a Christmas card from any of them!

OP, you've been badly let down by your family. I think it might be a good idea to move and start afresh.

Do you have links anywhere else? Jobs, friendships etc?
It might be worth you trying to find somewhere you've previously been happy and then try to put down roots while letting friendships grow organically? Don't rely on friends or family to make you feel happy or settled somewhere.
And, while their actions must hurt, perhaps consider going low contact rather than cutting everyone off completely? Find a middle ground of contact that protects yourself from more hurt but leaves the door open?
You've suffered an incomprehensible loss, don't make any rash decisions that may give you more drama than you need right now.