To be concerned about 4yo son

[Ablomum]

Name change as family use this site.

I'm concerned about my son's behaviour, his extended family dismiss my concerns as he's "perfect" which is really getting me down as I struggle with his behaviour and it's making me doubt myself as they say he's just a typical 4 year old.

Behaviours that are concerning me:

He has no interest in anything other than what he wants to be interested in. If it's cars, planes or trains fine, anything other than that he flat out refuses. School confirmed this is the case whilst he is there.

He doesn't have a solid friendship, he has never been "best friends" with other children around him, he's always been very independent and self entertained, school commented on this also.

He has huge meltdowns if his routine changes, even if he's forewarned that a change is going to happen. He will have the mother of all tantrums it's very distressing to watch and no amount of reasoning with him helps.

He is very picky with his food, he will only eat very small portions and mostly beige food, alternatively he will go hungry and refuse to eat if offered things he doesn't want, he won't even try them.

Is this typical 4 year old behaviour? Do I just have to grin and bear it and hope things improve?!

Also, one of DD’s nursery teachers mentioned sensory issues and hinting towards autism when she was 4. I just wish they hadn’t. It caused a lot of worry about something she totally grew out of less than a year later.

My youngest was just like this at that age and her first school parent’s consultation confirmed it all. When she was 3 I used to dread taking her out because of her “ways”. However, now she’s 5.9 it’s a different story, she’s still capable of some of the behaviours you’ve described but they’re becoming less intense. Her recent parents consultation was completely different from the first (I was actually bursting with pride) so I’d agree with pp, give it more time. He may be picking up on the “pandemic effect” children are very sensitive to their surroundings and can’t articulate it the same way as we can so any kind of upset easily manifests in the ways you describe.

He sounds perfectly normal for 4. Lots of kids that age haven't made a special friend yet; and food fads are common.

That intense focus on his special interest is a great quality to have, that I associate with children who have a high IQ, determination, great concentration , and (later) success and achievement in a wide range of fields in adult life. Treasure it and encourage it., its a superskill.

To anyone who has found the joy of focussing absolute concentration on something they enjoy, interruptions can be very annoying. At 4 he's not yet learned the emotional / social skills to handle the frustration of adult/peer interruptions /intrusions to his absorbing inner world , hence meltdown. Give him time and he'll work out more efficient strategies such as deferred wishes, negotiation and time management.