To leave 14 month old for the night?

[Latinorapida]

DS and I have always been very physically close. We co-sleep and he’s on the boob for most of the night. Since about a month ago the moment I leave the room just to go to the loo he starts screaming and crying inconsolably even though I’m only gone for 30 seconds.

It’s my best friends birthday this weekend. I really would like to go. I would go at about 7 and would like to come back at 12. He would be with DH and grandad who he loves but I think the moment I leave the room he’s start screaming.

A major part of me thinks of course I can’t go because what if he’s just crying the whole time. But the other part of me thinks, it’s good for him to break this habit and realise that he’s fine with other loved ones and that he needs to get used to being with other people. I also haven’t been out in nearly 2 years, and haven’t had a moment away from my son to just go out or relax other than one time when I went to the dentist.

What would you do?

Yes - you’re being unreasonable to leave your baby for the evening/night when you know he has severe separation anxiety at the moment.

No - you’re NOT being unreasonable, it’ll be good for you both

7pm- -12am so about 5 hours I’d be away for just to clarify!

You need to go!

Do a practice run and go for a walk at 7.

I think he'd go to sleep after a bit of crying but he'd be fine with his dad and gd.

Ooh. That’s a tough one. Practice run? How far away would you be if you needed to get home?

Go.

I've had this issue with both my children. I work evenings and night shifts. To be honest it never really got much easier for the children until they got older. They would scream and cry, but would eventually fall asleep. They come to no harm, they had someone with them to consol them

Sometimes you also have to think about what would be good for you and put your needs first

@DownWhichOfLate how long should practice run be? Half an hour?

And I’ll be about 30 mins away max

Start doing some practice runs. Around that age, I started doing a once-a-week evening activity and so did my husband. Even though I was nervous to leave her (and dad alone to do all of bedtime) our daughter adapted quickly.

I wouldn't personally be happy with that level of anxiety from a 14mth old toddler (to the point where he can't even be left with his other parent). Also being attached to your boobs all night is a lot at that age. No wonder he's struggling so much. For the record I cosleep with my 9mth old and did with her older brother until he was 3, and also bf them both so I'm definitely not coming from a place of disapproval but sounds like you both need a different set up and a break.

Go and enjoy yourself for the night and then start to work on a more healthy routine that results in a happier child.

A practice run needs to be much longer than half an hour. Two hours at least. He needs time to settle if he does get upset initially. Coming back so soon will thwart any progress.

Go.

You need it.

Baby will be fine. He is with his dad and grandad and whilst he may be a little upset, it won't be forever. If you were to fall ill and be hospitalised tomorrow, they'd all have to survive for however long it takes . This is for 5 hours, everyone has an end point even if the baby doesn't understand this.

You need time for you as well as being a mum, as hard as it is for all of you to have an upset baby, sometimes you just need to make sure they are safe and with people who love them and take that time for you.

Definately start the preparation, read up on separation anxiety and how to manage i.e saying bye... See you later.....when you go so they learn you havn't just disappeared and will always come back etc.
It's definately healthy to start to forge some independence for yourself - your not leaving him with a stranger he's with his other parent and grandparent.

What time is bedtime? And what time would he naturally feed?

@MaryShelley1818 i know, it is too much. I’m really struggling but I’m just so tired all the time and he wakes up a lot at night still so I just offer boob but I guess now that’s all he wants to go back to sleep.

How would I even begin to implement what you’re suggesting?

The not being able to be away from me even when he’s with DH started about a month ago. He’s been ill on and off for the past 6 weeks and teething so I don’t know if that’s made him more clingy.

I love him more than anything but most nights I can’t even wash my face and moisturise, I know those are trivial little things but when you’re sleep deprived and feel like shit they mean the world

Try an hour and see if he gets upset and if he can be settled? Does he feed to sleep?

@SlB09 have I got enough time to prepare? My friend’s birthday is on Friday night, as in this friday night...

Crazy to ask! Go OP bloody go!

I know it's common but I really struggle to wrap my head around this - aren't you itching for time to yourself??! I would have absolutely lost my mind if I confined myself to my child for every minute of their existence. I wonder how people cope with this as I simply couldn't. I was out for dinner from approx 2weeks onwards, hen weekends in Europe from a few months, America for a week when they were under 2. Zero guilt. I had the best time.

I bf, SAHM until school, the whole "respectful parenting" healthy attachment gig - but never having time to myself would have destroyed that as I'd be a wreck! Sorry I'm off on a tangent but not valuing time to yourself is such an alien concept to me. I guess it's just different strokes for different folks. Regardless, you want to go then absolutely GO! Your baby will be loved and cared for in your absence, there will be zero negative long term effects and you'll have a great time. Enjoy

@SlB09 oh sorry and bedtime is between 7:30-8:30/9 depending on whether he’s had 1 or 2 naps. He’s at the awkward stage of nearly dropping the second nap but most days he can’t manage on just the one so ends up having one at about 3:30/4 until 5ish... when that happens bedtime is at about 9 o’clock.

@DownWhichOfLate yes hé feed to sleep and about 50% of the night is spent with him ‘flutter sucking’ or whatever they call it... you know, when he’s on the boob for comfort, not milk

I'm in a very similar situation with my 15 month old. I managed to go to a party a couple of weeks ago but only for a couple of hours then had to head home at 9ish. Unfortunately she wouldn't settle for DH and just got quite upset so I had to put her to bed when I got back. I would really like to get to a point where dh can do bedtimes etc but I don't really know where to start as she still feeds to sleep in my bed at the moment!

Part of me wishes I'd started earlier and got dh to do some bedtimes when she was little with some expressed milk or something but I never bothered as we were on lockdown for most of the time so it wasn't like I had anywhere to go in the evenings 😂

Probably not completely to be honest - I thought you might be able to fit it in between bedtime and next feed!! Will he take a bottle or dummy at all?
My little boy went through a similar stage and practicing the bye thing and playing peekaboo and hide and seek really helped (I googled lots what to do!!). There might be no other way for it than he cries when you go and you put up with the rebound extra clingyness for a few days after then once settled down again start to work little by little on getting him abit happier and secure without you or being soothed in alternate ways than boob/you (which absolutely is not a bad thing and shows you've got a lovely relationship with him). It might be a few weeks of relearning routine and being abit out of sorts but it will reap benefits for all of the family.

You should absolutely go - can you fit in some practice runs getting gradually longer??

I know people do things differently and that's all good, but it sounds like you do need to start him being a bit more independent so it's perhaps good this will encourage that.

Go. Enjoy. He'll be fine, he's with his other parent. I think it's important for your own sanity and mental health to have a break from him too. You can love your son dearly and still need time to yourself. Be kind to yourself and try to start breaking the habits. If not now, when?
Enjoy. And report back to us 😀

You go out. You are no longer joined by an umbilical cord. Time you started doing grown up things again.
Your child will be fine. A few practice runs sound like a good idea

Going against the grain here but it is you that has made your DC so reliant on you, so I think it would be cruel to make him suddenly go cold turkey as it were. Take the time to wean him off the boob, get him into an age appropriate bedtime routine and sleeping in his own cot/ bed and then you can have as many nights out as you want.

Just go, he’ll survive one night. Dad can always drive him around in the car til he drops off.

I think it’s really important that you go. And I’d really consider night weaning, too.

Another vote for night weaning here...
We saw a sleep psychologist as I was so exhausted at this stage... Her main advice was to introduce a gap between feeding and sleep. So a bedtime story or lullaby. We had to spend a week doing bedtime together with Dad, then after that he tried to put baby down by himself (I went outside so she couldn't smell my milk).
I recommend the book Teach Your Child To Sleep by the Milpond Sleep Clinic.
And finally - a Dummy was the real saviour! Replaces the boob perfectly for comfort-sucking! Good luck.