How to tell friend who’s TTC that I’m pregnant?

[ProbablyNut]

More of a WWYD?

I’m pregnant with my 3rd child. I have my 12 week scan soon and all being well, planning to let friends and family know after that. At the moment just my parents and OH’s parents know.

I have a friend who has had a hard year. She lost her dad in the spring and at the moment is going through IVF treatment. She has one DC already who was a bit of a miracle given previous health issues she has had.

I’m not sure if there’s any way I can tell her about this pregnancy without it making her feel bad, which of course I don’t want.

Does anyone have any advice?

I'd do it in a message so that if she feels upset, she's not under pressure sitting right in front of you. She can reply in her own time

Also congratulations!

Text message, no doubt let her take in the information in private.
So be careful with timing so she is at home.

Congratulations!

Text message so she can take it in and respond in her own time.

Firstly, congratulations!

Second, I am going through ivf myself atm, and agree with other posters- for me text message would definitely be the best way

Are you also able to let her know a bit ahead of your other friends so she doesn't hear it from them and end up feeling excluded?

Do you know what kind of timescales she working with with her ivf cycle? Ie, when is her egg collection, transfer, test date, etc so your not telling her just as she's potentially receiving bad news? Last cycle I did, a colleague I'm close to told me she was pregnant the day before I was due to take my pregnancy test and I don't think I could have handled it without tears had it been the day after. I was also glad I'd got a bit of a heads up and guessed what her news might be beforehand when she asked for a call because she had something to tell me - so I had time to practice my happy for you face!

And you know what? I was actually happy for her. It won't be you that's making her feel bad when you share the news. It will be a reminder, and there are thousands every day, of the unfairness of our own situation. That's what hurts. We don't want other people not to have children- we all just wish we got to have them too. It's very thoughtful of you to be considerate when sharing your happy news

Congratulations! I also think telling her in a message, possibly a little ahead of time (ie before you tell others) so she can process things is a good idea. You’re very kind to consider your friend. I think naming things honestly can be helpful. Eg saying in the message that you have some news that you wanted to share, and that you’re aware the news might be upsetting for her, and you’re so sorry her journey hasn’t been easier.. and perhaps that there’s no pressure to reply/reply in her own time type thing?

@DancinOnTheCeiling

Congratulations! I also think telling her in a message, possibly a little ahead of time (ie before you tell others) so she can process things is a good idea. You’re very kind to consider your friend. I think naming things honestly can be helpful. Eg saying in the message that you have some news that you wanted to share, and that you’re aware the news might be upsetting for her, and you’re so sorry her journey hasn’t been easier.. and perhaps that there’s no pressure to reply/reply in her own time type thing?

This

I'm TTC have had losses and many friends have announced pregnancies, I don't expect them to not have babies because of me: it's something your friend has to deal with.

I do agree with other ppl I'd rather just receive a text than a drawn out announcement, but you have nothing to feel bad about. It's not your fault.

@DancinOnTheCeiling

Congratulations! I also think telling her in a message, possibly a little ahead of time (ie before you tell others) so she can process things is a good idea. You’re very kind to consider your friend. I think naming things honestly can be helpful. Eg saying in the message that you have some news that you wanted to share, and that you’re aware the news might be upsetting for her, and you’re so sorry her journey hasn’t been easier.. and perhaps that there’s no pressure to reply/reply in her own time type thing?

Good advice.

You sound like a good friend OP.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

I'd message. As other people said, time it for when you know she isn't at work etc. Keep it brief don't go on too much about how it might be hard for her.

And however you tell her you can't protect her from feeling hurt by it. That's not your fault, all you can do is be sensitive to the fact the news might hurt.

I wouldn’t feel that bad since she is already a mother. Just tell her.

@SweetBabyCheeses99

I wouldn’t feel that bad since she is already a mother. Just tell her.

Please don't under estimate the pain of secondary infertility. I'm not saying it's the same as primary but it still hurts, esp when others seem to produce 2nd and 3rd baby's without a thought. Double buggies seemed to be everywhere.

Congratulations!

First of all, you sound like a good and thoughtful person. Do it over a message, so she can be free to experience her emotions and pull herself. Do not have expectations of her contacting you the same or maybe even the next day.

Secondary infertility is real and is really hurtful, and many do not understand that.

Like everyone else said a kind, gentle text message is the way to go. Give her a chance to process and she will have time to compose herself before responding. Underplay it. I know you have every right to be delighted (congrats by the way!) but keep the enthusiasm for other friends/family.

Text in an evening you know she’s at home would be best for me. I genuinely would have been happy for you but it is nicer not to have everyone looking at you to see how you’re coping. Congratulations.

Thanks very much for your advice everyone - the advice about timing and things like that is really helpful.