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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Please help!!!!!

24 replies

Sarahismyname · 16/11/2021 12:51

I have been with my boyfriend just over a year. We are both 30 and I'm his first sexual partner. He hasen't really been interested in sex (we've only had it about 4 times) and I felt rejected so I sat him down for a chat. He told me he really isn't bothered about sex much and prefers kisses and cuddles so I said okay. He also said he is scared of not pleasing me. He said he likes it when we play with eachother rather than actually sex. I have just found out he wanks to porn 3-4 times per week (we don't live together). Also he wanks when he thinks I'm asleep next to him. I don't know how to feel about this?? I'm a bit shocked. Am I being unreasonable for being a bit surprised and deflated. I just feel like giving in but should I be more patient . He treats me really well and is a lovely guy but I dunno if he's just nervous about not pleasing me or if he really isn't into sex and would rather just wank and is just fobbing me off

Please help !!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Guavaf1sh · 16/11/2021 21:46

Is he gay perhaps? What kind of porn is it do you know?

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/11/2021 21:48

Wow. Why would you put up with such a substandard relationship? Please work on your self esteem. Move on.

Cryalot2 · 16/11/2021 21:50

I would wonder could he be gay .
The only way is to have a long honest chat.
Where does he see your future?
He may just be inexperienced.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 16/11/2021 21:50

Dump him. What makes you think you should settle for this????

You aren't obliged to have a sub standard relationship. Why do you think you should be happy with this?

FrankButchersDickieBow · 16/11/2021 21:51

@AtrociousCircumstance

Wow. Why would you put up with such a substandard relationship? Please work on your self esteem. Move on.
Agree it is a self esteem issue. Look deep inside yourself.
TotallySuper · 16/11/2021 21:56

Get rid!!! So unattractive and as above maybe he's closeted gay.

DukeofEarlGrey · 16/11/2021 21:59

Move on fast. No need to agonise over this.

WakeUpLockie · 16/11/2021 22:00

Raise the bar.

Yarboosucks · 16/11/2021 22:01

I am going with the gay theory here. Give yourself the gift of the freedom to find an enthusiastic lover this Christmas!

Lavender24 · 16/11/2021 22:06

I'd have ran for the hills by now if I was you.

talkalarm · 16/11/2021 22:08

May not be gay but is certainly into something sexually that isn't you. And that's nothing to do with you. But this really isn't going to work, you're so young and this is such a new relationship. Leave now.

DaphneduWarrior · 16/11/2021 22:15

When I was 30, I was with someone who had no sex drive. We had sex about 6 times in the two years we were together. He was very sweet and kind to me, but by the time I broke up with him, my self esteem was on the floor. I felt so unattractive, unwanted and like there was something wrong with me.

Now I just wish I’d broken up with him sooner.

Mine wasn’t a (literal) wanker. I agonised over the whys and wherefores- but ultimately I don’t think they matter (unless he’s having sex elsewhere). The point is that you want a sexual relationship with your partner. You’re absolutely entitled to that.

Move on and find someone who wants the same thing. I promise you that this won’t get better.

Tibby99 · 16/11/2021 22:25

It sounds like he's lacking in confidence as a start and needs to explore more of what he enjoys.

However I echo other pps in that it doesn't sound you're sexually compatible.

The question is whether you (and he) thinks maybe more time can be spent between the two of you exploring what he enjoys and what turns him on.

If not, then obviously move on.

It's become very common for young(ish) men to be more turned on by porn and maturation than by real sex because they've spent so much time masterbating to porn, that they become densitised to real sex. You only have to read the agony and advice columns on main newspapers and magazines to see the number of men who write in for advice about this, which should give you an idea of how widespread this issue is!

Generally speaking, the way to move beyond this is for the man to cut back on porn and invest time in having fun with their partners!

If you and he think this could well be the reason why he's just not that into sex and you have strong feelings for him then I'd suggest it's worth sticking with the relationship for a while and seeing if you can bring out his sensuality.

I would also, of course, hope that he's interested in pleasing you too!

If you decide to keep with him for a while, I'd look at heating up the chemistry (assuming you have to start with) without the pressure of penetrative sex...so massages, fooling around, shared showers, kissing etc.

Tibby99 · 16/11/2021 22:26

*masturbation for maturation!

Cocomarine · 16/11/2021 22:35

I don’t think he’s gay and I don’t think he’s nervous about pleasing you.
I reckon because he’s a late starter to sex with another person, he’s perfected his wanking technique and can’t be arsed to have proper sex.
I’d cut him loose.

Lightswitch123 · 16/11/2021 22:39

@Cocomarine

I don’t think he’s gay and I don’t think he’s nervous about pleasing you. I reckon because he’s a late starter to sex with another person, he’s perfected his wanking technique and can’t be arsed to have proper sex. I’d cut him loose.
Agreed
NewbieAlert · 16/11/2021 22:44

Run.

HelloBambinos · 16/11/2021 22:49

@Cocomarine

I don’t think he’s gay and I don’t think he’s nervous about pleasing you. I reckon because he’s a late starter to sex with another person, he’s perfected his wanking technique and can’t be arsed to have proper sex. I’d cut him loose.
I agree with this as well. Also, wanking in bed next to you!? Sorry each to their own but it just seems so disrespectful, degrading and just disgusting quite frankly. That would bother me more than anything. But as I said. Each to their own.
Salayes · 16/11/2021 23:33

If you’re his first actual sexual partner at 30 and he’s a regular porn user it’s likely his longest sexual interaction has, by far, been with porn. This doesn’t automatically make him a terrible person but it does mean his primary sexual relationship has been with porn and it is going to take some effort on his part to change that.

Things to consider is if he even wants to change that - evidence so far if he’s not bothering with PIV but happily (and disrespectfully) getting it on to porn, is he does not.

Second to consider is if he does - are you willing to stick around while he makes that effort? He would need to unlearn all the habits and sexual ideas porn has given him and learn how to relate sexually to a real woman. This would take time and a concerted effort from him and you to be frank.

Only you know if he may be worth such an effort.

HippoRaine · 16/11/2021 23:42

I can't vote on this because it just seems inappropriate but nah love, you deserve better than this.

I'm a decade or so older than you and I've seen this porn generation thing happen (if that's what's going on here), and it worries me so much for the future of healthy sex and relationships. But I'm also an old school feminist and firmly believe it's not our job to fix broken men. I wouldn't pursue this any further if I were you, it's not healthy, it's not respectful and it may seriously damage your self esteem

ThirdElephant · 16/11/2021 23:46

What PP said- he's perfected his wanking technique and sex doesn't feel as good to him by comparison.

I'd move on.

AdaColeman · 16/11/2021 23:50

Run for the hills, and don’t look back!

NewlyGranny · 16/11/2021 23:52

Almost certainly pornsick, rather than gay. If he started young and is now 30ish, he's had, say, 15 years of embedding his technique. Typically, they use an incredibly tight grip that no vagina could ever hope to match.

Give up and find someone a handful of years older whose sex life hasn't been addled.

NeedsCharging · 16/11/2021 23:56

I agree with PP.

He can get himself off in minutes he's perfected it. He has no idea about sex being a 2 person event so isn't bothered.
Don't settle for this guy OP as you will never be satisfied.
He could if he wanted to...broaden his horizons with you but he's not bothered.

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