To feel sorry for myself

[Chubbycatt]

In laws passed away. My parents moved abroad so Christmas will just be my husband & 2 sons. My brother will join us on Xmas day too.

I felt a familiar pang of jealousy when I suggested we meet up with my friend the week before Xmas, she can't as she's got her parents over for a few days and then her in laws for a few days. All that family time will be lovely for he son.

I don't think it bothers me that much until I hear about all the lovely family plans that my friends have.

I feel bad that my son's won't have more family to spend time with them.

I'm trying to be proactive rather than dwell on things so I've booked an extra Santa's grotto for Xmas Eve. And I'll do Xmas Eve boxes which I've not done before.

As I'm writing this I'm thinking I'm trying to substitute quality family time with commercial nonsense. But what else can I do? I don't want to be sat around with nothing to do feeling sorry for myself. That would be even worse for my son's.

Any ideas on nice stuff to do the week before Xmas to make it special despite not having family with us.

Thanks

Son's are 4 and 1

I do understand

But I think you’re picturing perfect family time with doting helpful grandparents.

In reality whilst some do have that, there are many families where having parents or in laws to stay is a mixed blessing - the ones the criticise, that expect to be waited on hand and foot, that bicker, that show no real interest in the DC, that have split and can’t be in the same room, that talk only about themselves … etc

Your DC have a loving family and won’t miss what they haven’t had.

Could you visit your parents another year when the DC are a bit older?

You're not substituting family time for commercialism - it's just a different kind of family time.

You're making it magical for your children and that will be lovely.

FaceTime your parents on Christmas Day. You could even have a second 'Christmas' when you next see them.

I'm sorry about your in laws.

YANBU.

Sorry to hear about your in laws and that you're parents are close by anymore.
I feel similar, it's just me and my two DC, I'm a single parent and have no family either and I often feel so guilty that they don't have that big family filled Christmas everyone else we know seems to have. I have to remind myself that Christmas is what you want it to be, not everyone celebrates Christmas, some people have it as a big family occasion, some people have it as a day/time to relax, some people a time to do goods deeds for others. You can still have lots of fun and make wonderful memories however big or small your family is. I'll be keeping my two busy with Christmas activities, we want to do some volunteering, art/baking etc, of course eat lots of treats and watch some cheesy movies. Country parks and local museums and places like that usually have Christmas activities on. Do you have a Christmas market nearby? Making Christmas or winter themed cards and decorations. Your DC can pick or make a present for each other and you and your DP. Day trips-some places are open Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. Trip to the beach if you wrap up, lovely walk and then hot chocolate. Christmas can be just as magical with a small family as a big one.

That lovely big Christmas you see in the movies doesn’t just happen, someone has to facilitate it. Guess what it’s usually mum!
When my children were little I spent Christmas Day in a mad rush catering for us and parents and in laws whilst everyone else had a magical Christmas.
Yes I could have asked for help but when I did that it was more trouble than it was worth.
Just enjoy your small family Christmas doing what you want not having to pander to everyone else.

I’m a single mum and my family live really far away (flight). I used to get those pangs too but I’ve just made new traditions for my daughter and I. We open family presents on Christmas Eve (as I did as a child) and get matching jammies, bake cookies for Santa (ok, I buy them sometimes too 🤣) and watch a Christmas film while drinking hot chocolate and having delicious snacks. In the run up we’ve got a visit to Santa, we’re going to the cinema to see Clifford then have a wee dinner out together, the light installation at the local park and the panto and probably the Christmas market with the rides and things (mulled wine for me and churros for her!). We go to a friends house for Christmas dinner after her dad has been for Santa on Christmas Day and take a lovely walk there (if it’s weather to walk). It’s totally ok to feel a wee bit sorry for yourself at this time of year when it feels like everyone else is surrounded by family but try not to dwell on it and make lovely new memories and family traditions.

My GPs were all dead by the time I was 5 (and I was the eldest). Christmas was just us and our parents throughout our childhood, apart from one year when my uncle was over from the US.
We had our traditions, I never thought there was anything missing.

I don't think you need to do much special before Christmas Eve - at your kids' age it might just get them hyped up too early. Do some normal things - playground, walks, library, etc, maybe a day out somewhere, and some Christmas crafts with the older onne.

You do realise there are actual people who actually spend Christmas all alone, right?

@IStoppedBelieving

You do realise there are actual people who actually spend Christmas all alone, right?

Yep, that's me. This will be my third year. Everyone is busy for the run up and into new year. Just me and my cat. Thank goodness for Netflix!

OP I feel you. I dont know what it is about Christmas but it always makes me really emotional and I get hyper aware of how family are behaving and if people don't make an effort (in my eyes) for my precious children I get annoyed. No more though, I have no idea where this crazy hormonal feeling comes from but I just concentrate on those around me and when people come and make the effort and see my children or ask to meet up etc I feel thankful to have this family around and keep expectations low. I now feel so much more chilled and relaxed around Christmas. I think it's nice your children have you both and your brother on Xmas day - I think thats enough people personally.

Is there a time difference with your parents? They could join in present opening or even sitting at the table with you all via zoom if not. Could be a fun new tradition. Relax and enjoy it!

@IStoppedBelieving

You do realise there are actual people who actually spend Christmas all alone, right?

Didn't take long, did it? That doesn't mean OP's not allowed to be sad that there are 4 very important people missing from this year's festivities.

You do have family with you; you are a family
Yabu

Christmas will just be my husband & 2 sons. My brother will join us on Xmas day too.

You have got family with you

Yabu. Your family are still with you, and having a ‘bigger’ Christmas (more guests) makes it far more stressful!

My extended family lived far away, so as a child I celebrated Christmas with just my parents and sibling (and loved it!). Never felt like I was missing out compared to my school friends

So you have a family group of 5 having a meal together on Christmas Day.

YABU, that’s a family.

We never once had anyone over for Christmas growing up, it was just me, my parents and siblings. Everyone else lived either on a different continent or there were issues that prevented the local ones from attending.

Christmas was very special, each and every time. We’d decorate together, prep the food together, do simple presents as we were also very poor, and watch films under the blankets. Where I come from there is no such thing as a Santa grotto, a Christmas Eve box, pantomimes or anything ‘commercial’, and kids there still manage to have a good time.

I’d stop feeling sorry for myself and think you having this great little family to create memories with together. Christmas doesn’t have to be an Instagram picture or a list of expensive activities.

Comparison is the thief of joy! Enjoy the lovely little family unit you have. Don't buy extra stuff, do extra things together!

Thanks so much guys. Literally every message has given me something so thank you!