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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Exp doesn't bother with dc

20 replies

Stressismymiddlename15 · 15/11/2021 23:28

Not sure which thread to put this in so posting in here for traffic.

Myself and dp split up around 8 months ago, when we first split I wanted him back, it didn't work that way so I moved on with my life. He had contact with dd every week (once a week overnight) to give you an insight, he has never been a proper dad to dd, only an existence in the background but I fought for so long to keep our family together.

Once a week moved to once every fortnight as he "needed his time off work". He then told me he was moving house, I asked for his new address (I've had his address since we split & never went near his house etc), he told me I wasn't getting it, I told him I would like to know where dd is when he has her, especially incase of an emergency. Was told no I wasn't getting it, I told him until I knew where dd would be then there would be no overnight contact. He said "ok" no fight no nothing!

Turned out he hadn't even moved house so could have had dd that weekend.

We spoke again & I tried to reason with him for dd sake, said dd was starting to get distant from him etc this was his chance to fix it, we came to agreement he would make more of an effort, phoning her etc, coming & taking her out for a few hours etc to build back up the relationship. This was 5 weeks ago, he has seen her once for 40 mins. He doesn't phone her, text, nothing. He has no interest & it's breaking my heart.

There physically is nothing more I can do to make him spend time with her, I have literally tried and exhausted every Avenue (too much to type but there's nothing I haven't tried). Even went to a lawyer to get set days & times etc drawn up. He still didn't stuck to it.

My dd has started asking when she will see her df, all I can say is you have to speak y

OP posts:
Stressismymiddlename15 · 15/11/2021 23:29

*to df. She's not overly bothered as they haven't had a very close relationship but he is her df & it breaks my heart. She is so innocent in all this. I don't know what to do. Does anyone have advice?

OP posts:
Stressismymiddlename15 · 16/11/2021 00:58

Anyone?

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 16/11/2021 01:05

How old is your daughter

RedWingBoots · 16/11/2021 01:10

He's a shit father.

Stop forcing contact.

You need to let your DD realise that her father is shit. You don't need to tell her she will slowly realise on her own because he hasn't kept in contact and doesn't see her.

Stompythedinosaur · 16/11/2021 01:17

It is truly shit, bit you can't force him to be a decent father.

Ringsender2 · 16/11/2021 01:19

@RedWingBoots

He's a shit father.

Stop forcing contact.

You need to let your DD realise that her father is shit. You don't need to tell her she will slowly realise on her own because he hasn't kept in contact and doesn't see her.

Exactly this

Just be there to support her

Don't try to make a relationship happen, and get her hopes up. That's really damaging

Pyewackect · 16/11/2021 01:19

You can’t force contact.

PrincessNutella · 16/11/2021 03:52

All you need from that steaming pile is hard, cold cash.

UhOhOops · 16/11/2021 06:39

Oh love, I've been exactly where you are, down to a meeting to agree contact dates. Mine just started calling up 10 minutes before I left to drive them to contact - bags packed, excited and giddy.

Best advice I had was what you're already doing - 'I don't know why

PingedPotato · 16/11/2021 06:42

Oh this is heartbreaking. I agree with others, I think you need to stop trying now. Make sure you're getting maintenance from him and then forget about him.

violetbunny · 16/11/2021 06:47

This is very sad OP, but you cannot be responsible for making him a good father. That is on him. You have bent over backwards to facilitate contact, the sad truth is that he cannot be bothered, and you can't make him.

You shouldn't feel guilty, this is his fault and all you can do is be the best parent you can be for your DD.

HeartsAndClubs · 16/11/2021 06:52

You can’t make him step up, however you were very unreasonable to stop contact because he didn’t exceed to your demands.

You’re no longer together, that means you don’t have the right to know things like his address, and while in amicable relationships most people would give out these things without issue he has the right not to.

He may well be a shit father but sounds like he’s called your bluff and your game has come back to bite you.

You’re both equally responsible for this.

girlmom21 · 16/11/2021 06:54

I'm guessing she's a tween?

When she asks when she'll see him be honest - that you've asked and he won't commit to an answer. She'll know you've tried.

He sounds like he's always been useless.
Make sure he's paying maintenance!

HugeAckmansWife · 16/11/2021 07:00

Oh bollocks hearts and clubs. Her 'demand' was to know where her presumably pretty young dd was overnight. Unless he is scared of the op or has reason to think she's going to cause trouble, in which case he can get a non molestation order, that's not at all unreasonable. Taking the op at face value this is just another example of a crap 'dad' who just fucks off because its too much effort. I'd be amazed if he's paying maintenance either.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 16/11/2021 07:01

Stop working so hard to force contact. Its not your job to make sure he stays in contact with his daughter it's his and the long term consequences of that are up to him.
If he doesn't want to see her that's down to him.

HugeAckmansWife · 16/11/2021 07:02

Oh and the 'game' is biting the dd, not the op. She hasn't said 'I don't get a break, I have to do anything' she's sad her dd doesn't see her dad and no decent parent would just drift off cos 'work'.

Justleaveitblankthen · 16/11/2021 07:10

This is heartbreaking.
You were absolutely correct to refuse overnight contact not knowing where the hell your daughter was?! What a twat! What did he think you would do, peek in his windows, view a happily family scene and boil a bunny he had bought her?!
Really sorry OP, he's awful Flowers

Rainbowqueeen · 16/11/2021 07:21

The general view on here is that it’s better for kids to have an absent dad than a fickle inconsistent dad. I would drop the rope.

Claim CMS. Your DD deserves that money.

Leave it up to him to organise contact. Support your DD in expressing her feelings. Maybe speak to her school about counselling. But make it clear to her that it is his decision and it is not her fault and nothing that she did. It is sadly incredibly common for men to just walk away from their kids without a second glance. I find it incomprehensible.

Stressismymiddlename15 · 16/11/2021 08:13

Thank you all. Dd is 7. Totally innocent 7 year old. It breaks my heart. I agree with ally of the comments, I will stop forcing the contact & hope dd can see for herself whilst hopefully not getting hurt Sad

OP posts:
PingedPotato · 16/11/2021 08:47

Yes poor thing.x

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