Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be involved in DS1's GF's dramas

24 replies

Spiceup · 15/11/2021 20:13

And also really worried about what he's getting himself into.

He's 20 so it's up to him, but I'm still his mum!

GF is a couple of years younger and seems either, quite immature, or very highly strung. I'm not entirely sure which.

In many ways she's very sensible, she gets him organised which has never been his strong suit, but she seems to have fallen out with all her school friends, has resigned from her PT job because they were "bullying" her, left college because the course wasn't what she was told it would be and tonight she "needs" to stay at ours because of a row with her mum. (The bit where I'm involved). Parents are currently giving her an allowance, so she doesn't need to work spending a new college course starting in January.

Considering how easy it seems to be to upset her, she and DS don't seem to argue, but I fear that's because he prioritises her wishes above all else. He does seem happy with her but also spends a lot of time worrying about her and her drama.

I'm just getting it off my chest really, I don't think there's anything I can actually do, but this does not seem like a good place for him to be to me. I'm trying very hard not to be critical to him though as I know there's nothing to be achieved there.

Any advice?

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 15/11/2021 20:16

Don't let her get her feet under your table.

BurntO · 15/11/2021 20:17

Let them get on with itSmile be as impartial as you can IF he asks for advice. Do NOT let her staying over become a habit ( limit to weekends and maybe one midweek?) otherwise she’ll be living with you before you know it (unless you’re fine with this but if she is unemployed and out of education with her own home to go to I wouldn’t encourage it)

ohdeariforgot · 15/11/2021 20:18

Be careful. If she isn't working and not at college until Jan, will she expect to spend all her time with you. Learning to deal with disagreements without running away is an important life lesson

Original poster
Spiceup · 15/11/2021 20:23

No, I feel a bit wet about it all tonight. I told him she should stay and sort thing out, but apparently everyone's so upset that won't happen. I said can't she just go to bed and stay away from mum, but apparently mum wouldn't let it drop like that (mum likes a drama too, I do vaguely know her from a previous life).

So I've told him I'm not comfortable with it, which has taken to mean yes. I should have put my foot down, but he's so anxious to give her what she wants (which I appreciate is exactly what I've just done for him!).

I will be form if there's any sign if her moving in though. She usually stays about once a fortnight. He stays there more often, a couple of time a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spiceup · 15/11/2021 20:24

*firm about signs of moving in

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/11/2021 21:01

If this became a habit I think I'd say for her own sake that she can't keep running off to her bf house as it wont help her sort out conflict in the long run

In terms of what you can do day to day i think you're right you can't really say what you really think as that would lead to him leaping to her defence. You could always make comments along the lines of 'shes fallen out with another friend? Why do you think she ends up falling out with so many people? How does that impact on your relationship?' If he would be receptive to that?

TirednWorried · 15/11/2021 23:10

You dont seem to like her very much do you?
Your ds seems very happy with her and they get on well
You worry about her moving in with you when your ds stays more at her house than she stays with you. She wants to swap college course because it wasn't what she thought, and you font believe she was bullied in her pt job, based on???

Nowomenaroundeh · 15/11/2021 23:20

Well he's an adult so he will have to navigate this himself in terms of how he responds to her but you are well within your rights to put firm restrictions in place on how often she stays in your house. I would suggest no more than once a week.

miltonj · 15/11/2021 23:30

Stay out of it! She doesn't seem to have done anything wrong. Your son is happy. They're so young, try judging her a bit less. They'll grow up, maybe together. Maybe not. Not your business. Only get involved if there's any sign of abuse, which there's not.

PinkSyCo · 15/11/2021 23:36

You obviously don’t think this girl is good enough for your son, so my advise would be to not get involved with her dramas (like you say is your wish) and just hope the relationship ship fizzles out. Don’t be too surprised if your son’s next girlfriend isn’t much more mature than this one though.

PinkSyCo · 15/11/2021 23:40

By the way what makes you think her parents are happy with your DS staying over at there’s so regularly? And what does he do for a living to make him such a catch?

greenlynx · 15/11/2021 23:44

She probably is not very good in social relationships mainly due to her mum’s love of drama. She would learn but it takes some time. Also at this age they are more black and white - something goes wrong and they cut off friends, leave jobs, college etc.
Your DS is happy with her and they get on well so I would give her a bit more credit.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/11/2021 23:46

".. and tonight she "needs" to stay at ours because of a row with her mum."

No that doesn't ring any alarm bells at all, no.HmmGrin

Tomorrow, she goes home. No ifs, no buts. She doesn't get to rule the roost, that's your job!

OppsUpsSide · 15/11/2021 23:50

So, from your post, she helps your DS be more organised and he appears to be happy but you are concerned because she had an argument with her mum and has boundaries around how she will spend her time and be treated? Shit, that’s a tough one. She isn’t quite fulfilling the female role is she, even if DS is happy. It’s a head scratcher for sure.

PixieLaLa · 15/11/2021 23:56

Considering how easy it seems to be to upset her

Based on what exactly? Being bullied at work, a course not being what she hoped for and having an argument with her mum. You sound quite judgemental towards her and almost looking for faults. As PP pointed out maybe her mum isn’t that impressed with your son being there so often!

Bogeyes · 16/11/2021 01:57

Don't let her problems become your problems

Original poster
Spiceup · 16/11/2021 07:29

@PixieLaLa

Considering how easy it seems to be to upset her

Based on what exactly? Being bullied at work, a course not being what she hoped for and having an argument with her mum. You sound quite judgemental towards her and almost looking for faults. As PP pointed out maybe her mum isn’t that impressed with your son being there so often!

No, mostly having no friends at all because she's fallen out with all her friendship groups, plus other side dramas. There surely must come a point when it's you not them?

I don't for a minute think she's not good enough for DS, he most certainly has his faults, I'm just concerned that this isn't a healthy way to carry on, is all and I don't want to get involved in her family dramas, which I feel is a risk if she comes here every time there's conflict at home.

FWIW DS is doing a very sought after degree apprenticeship, but I didn't think that was relevant of a mention, PP did.

OP posts:
sjxoxo · 16/11/2021 07:40

I think you have made up your mind you don’t like her.. sorry. If your son is happy I think you need to be supportive. She doesn’t require second validation from you to be in his life… sorry if that seems harsh but I think you are using the other elements friends/college etc to justify your feelings which is unfair. They are very young so it’s unlikely they will stay together long term; she’s unlikely to be your DIL but when you do have someone serious joining your family, the only thing I think you can really do is be supportive if your son is happy. Anything beyond that I think is dangerous MIL territory. It’s also possible she will grow up and mature and they’ll be very happy together. The difficulty is her staying over as you don’t want to upset her parents. Maybe you could contact her mum & say you’re sorry to hear about the row, she’s asked to stay; you don’t mind as long as she’s on board with her staying at yours. xo

Original poster
Spiceup · 16/11/2021 07:46

@OppsUpsSide

So, from your post, she helps your DS be more organised and he appears to be happy but you are concerned because she had an argument with her mum and has boundaries around how she will spend her time and be treated? Shit, that’s a tough one. She isn’t quite fulfilling the female role is she, even if DS is happy. It’s a head scratcher for sure.
If it's all about her high standards surely DS must be OK? You can't have it both waysGrin
OP posts:
Original poster
Spiceup · 16/11/2021 07:47

The difficulty is her staying over as you don’t want to upset her parents. Maybe you could contact her mum & say you’re sorry to hear about the row, she’s asked to stay; you don’t mind as long as she’s on board with her staying at yours.

Yes, this is the only bit that's my business and the reason for my post, but I really won't be involving myself by contacting mum!

OP posts:
DoctorWhoTardis · 16/11/2021 07:49

I wouldn't let her stay become a habit. I would make sure she goes home today to sort things otherwise it'll become a nightmare.

statetrooperstacey · 16/11/2021 07:50

Just be there in the background as the impartial voice of reason. If her family are hot headed drama queens, be the polar opposite, so they have a decent frame of reference. That’s really all you can do.

Duckrace · 16/11/2021 10:44

That's tricky. Your general "stay neutral" principles are in the right place. (DD had a turbulent relationship with her ex, and on occasion I agreed with her that he was being unreasonable, but I definitely lived to regret it, being told afterwards on a number of occasions that "you don't like him anyway!).

A8mint · 16/11/2021 10:55

No, mostly having no friends at all because she's fallen out with all her friendship groups
As you grow up it's common to change and realise your school friends are dicks

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread