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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to meet this family.

22 replies

Jingle · 14/12/2007 09:16

Sorry its long...
We have known this family for 3 years now. From the beginning they spoke ill of another family we knew and while most of things were true I didn't entertain such conversation. Together we were looking at investment oppurtunities and out of the blue they chose to go alone. We didn't show our surprise. Then they wanted to borrow money for their business and we did help. She miscarried at the beginning of this year. I picked up their child from school, cooked for them. When I offered to talk to their daughter (a year older than my DD) they refused saying they don't want her to see my DD and DS - their DD is an only child and will feel hurt. I took it at face value. They wanted to drop friends somewhere and DH drove them 50 miles at 11p.m. When her husband was away, we had to take her and her daughter to A&E and wait till 2 in the morning. Now, this summer onwards they never called or when we called it was always we will call you back... Both girls go to the same school and wanted to have a play date. I called quite a few times and it was always ..."I will confirm". For their girl's b'dy, I called, wished and asked her what she would like and waited for them to confirm when we could go to see them. After a week and no word from them, DD took the present to school and gave it the girl. 5 weeks later when she called to ask for something, I asked if their girl liked the present and she said " oh, we have been really busy. Haven't managed to look at it. But I know DD & her granddad have played with it for hours". Is it wrong to expect a "thanks, thats very kind of you" ? Out of the blue 2 weeks ago, her husband wanted me to drop their daughter at school and pick her up and take her back to their home becos she was ill. Being what we are I did it promptly eventhough they live miles away and I had other things to do. Now, she called me yesterday to say she is 5 months pregnant. She didn't meet me all these days becos she didn't want me to guess. But she has told all her other frineds and collegues. I am happy for her but feel insulted. Now they want to meet us this Sunday.
I am usually quite tolerant with people but this time feel I have taken far too much for far too long. Someone tell me I am overreacting. I hate the way I am feeling right now.

OP posts:

claricebeansmumhasnomincepies · 14/12/2007 09:19

Nowt so strange as folk

You are being used by these people - as a taxi service, child minding service etc I would distance myself from them asap

SantaBeClausImWorthIt · 14/12/2007 09:22

And you call them friends? Thank goodness you didn't go into your joint investment.

Move on and find someone who appreciates your kindness and consideration.

moondog · 14/12/2007 09:22

They sound really dreadful and selfisdh.
Give them a wiiiiide bodyswerve.

nailpolish · 14/12/2007 09:22

i think you should tell her how you feel, then walk away. i am quite sensitive to these things, and i feel you would benefit from telling her how you feel - how she has made you feel. you dont have to scream or be nasty or nippy, keep a calm voice, look her in the eye and say something like "i am very hurt and upset that this friendship we have has become very one-sided. its sad, but i dont want to be treated like this"

you will feel better. life is too short for people like this.

yes, its a shame about her m/c, i know

your dd's can be friends at school (how old are they?)

hoep that helps. chin up

nametaken · 14/12/2007 09:23

what clarice said

SelfishMrsClaus · 14/12/2007 09:24

You're not overreacting. I would feel so very hurt at the way this family have treated you

I'd let them go tbh...

HowTheGibbonStoleChristmas · 14/12/2007 09:24

They sound awful - life is too short to waste on people that don't give a crap about you.

Tell them to poke their Sunday meet up.

KaySamuels · 14/12/2007 09:25

They are not friends. Keep her at a distance as she has done you and concentrate on people who appreciate you and your husband's kindness.

TroutSprout · 14/12/2007 09:28

Agree with Nailpolish

paddingtonbear1 · 14/12/2007 09:34

YANBU - they are not real friends.They've taken you for granted big style! If you can't face speaking to them and explaining how you feel, just say you're busy and don't make any effort to get in touch again. If your dd's are friends you can still be civil to them, but leave it at that.

Oblomov · 14/12/2007 09:36

They just take take take. You sound lovely and giving and deserve friends that will appreciate you.
Let this 'relationship' go.

lalalonglegs · 14/12/2007 09:41

Blimey - do they still have the money you loaned them? I would be looking to get that back very fast.

dustyroad · 14/12/2007 09:45

I would give her one more chance but only because of the m/c and new pregnancy. I had enormous problems conceiving and when i finally did succeed i really didnt want anyone who I knew to know - I just felt I couldnt handle it if everyone was happy for me and then I lost it again and everyone was sorry for me again and so on. I think maybe her m/c has meant that she developed a weird perspective on things - like not wanting her DD to see your DD with a sibling. That is sad. She may have thought people were viewing her differently when she lost the baby.
All the favours she asked of you during this time suggest that she does see you as a friend she can call on and she truly may not realise how you have viewed the one-sided way of things over the past few months. She has offered an explanation so as I say, I would give her a chance - although maybe say something about how you have felt about it. If you do meet up and find that she is still not someone you want to stay in touch with, so be it.

LoveAngelGabriel · 14/12/2007 09:58

is there a genuine, two way friendship here at all? They don't sound like very nice people.

Saturn74 · 14/12/2007 10:02

I think they are taking you for a ride.
You sound like a lovely, kind, sociable family.
Find friends that also possess those qualities, and don't waste time with people that don't.

IsawKIMIkissingSantaClaus · 14/12/2007 10:19

Do you think you might like to change your name to mug?

Jingle my love with friends like this you do not need enemies.

Stop being a door mat for them, tell them you are not there for their convenience, and then have no more to do with them.

santagitta · 14/12/2007 10:27

I think dustyroad might have a point. Sometimes friendships are a bit one way - when one side is finding the going tough, and if you are true friends you'll ride through it. But if you meet on Sunday and she's still off with you - forget it. And tell her that you're hurt.

TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 14/12/2007 10:36

I think dustyroad is probably right. I had two very close frineds whohad done everything together, one fell pregnant, and then a few months later so did the other. One of them went into hospital in labour, we were all really excited, that night the other was taken into hospital, miscarrying. They were put in beds next to each other and as far as I can remember that was the last time they really talked. It was really sad.

I would meet her, talk to her, and explain that you were worried something was up, and quite saddened that she had seemed to not wnat to know you or DD for so long.

She may very well have felt that you were the one person she couldn't stay strong to and not dared let herself think about what could happen with the pregnancy.

However, I wouldn't start doing things for her again until your friendship is back on the right track.

Original poster

Jingle · 14/12/2007 10:43

Thanks everyone. Usually I pour out to DH and I am better. DH is very busy lately and gave a philosophical "blame it on their insecurities and forget it" and has left me decide if we should meet them on Sunday.

Dustyroad, your experience sounds closest to hers and trust me I am trying hard not to be nasty to them at all. It would have only helped if she didn't tell me that she has told her friends and family and how they have visited X and y and z and they all guessed she was pregnant. And put me in the same category as parents at school who all have atleast 2 children to whom she feels like saying "I am trying hard to make a baby while you all had it lucky". I would never speak to anyone like that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jingle · 14/12/2007 10:46

oops! meant...I would never say such a thing to anyone.

OP posts:

TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 14/12/2007 11:20

Jingle, the fact that you are on here and in two minds as to what to do shows you are not trying to be horrible to them, I don't think it crossed a single persons mind.
I hope it can be sorted.

clam · 14/12/2007 11:31

Their loss..... I'm sure you must have other friends who do value you. It's to your credit that you still try to see the good in them, and make excuses, but enough is enough. Leave them be. I'm sorry, but I don't think a miscarriage is excuse for such ungrateful bad-mannered rudeness. I know people who've been through that (and worse) yet wouldn't dream of treating friends as they have.

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