Mum with lung cancer demanding treatment

[FoodieLexie]

Trigger warning - cancer and death.

My mum died a few days ago. I’m struggling, because she was a heavy smoker who died of lung cancer. Even after being diagnosed she carried on smoking (even more heavily — her reasoning was that she might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb).

She vocally demanded every treatment the NHS could provide, including immunotherapy at 10k a month. She also insisted on being cared for at home - so my sister gave up her job to be mum’s live-in carer, assisted by 5x carers every day paid for by charities or the taxpayer.

Yet my family are talking about her like she’s some sort of saint. If I hear the word “fighter” once more….

I appreciate I sound heartless. I am grieving obviously, but….AIBU? Or do people really think this sort of “fighting” is a good thing?

You are entitled to feel however you want. There is a real tendency to canonise the dead, and it’s not always appropriate. Sending love to you 🌷

Yanbu
You are still angry with your mum for the part she played in her own death and the pain and money as well as exhaustion she caused you and your sister at her insistence at being at home.
One of my aunts is a recovering alcoholic and everyone keeps praising her and telling her how well she is doing and where a fighter she is. My poor adult cousin is left wondering why her Mum couldn’t give up the alcohol earlier snf left traumatised as a result of her childhood. She finds it hard not to be furious when people praise my aunt and tell my cousin how amazing her Mum is.

Yeah it's something people always say isn't it! Rarely taking into consideration the context. I think there are a lot of things wrong with our attitudes towards death. Having lost people recently myself I keep thinking about it and over and over and every time I feel angry and upset about how life is prolonged no matter what. People often die having lost all dignity and quality of life whilst our pets slip painlessly away while we comfort them! I'm having a get out plan and certainly won't be fighting unless it's a fight worth fighting!
I'm very sorry for the loss of your mum ❤️

@RoseRedRoseBlue

You are entitled to feel however you want. There is a real tendency to canonise the dead, and it’s not always appropriate. Sending love to you 🌷

Ditto this op

What you feel is what you feel.

You will go through a whole range of emotions as will everyone else who os grieving.

Aw OP I'm so sorry for your loss. Of course you're entitled to feel however you feel.