I don't know my personality

[happinesscherries]

I am just wondering how you've established what is uniquely 'you'? What your likes are and dislikes and what you genuinely enjoy and want to do?

I know this might sound a bit ridiculous but for some background: I think I have always been a people pleaser, my parents argued a lot growing up (shockingly still together) so I did what I needed to to keep them happy. I tried to be as easy as possible. I did lots of sports because that was considered 'good' and I think I hated a lot of them (I know that I hate running). I worked very hard and got perfect grades but that's because if I didn't I'd make my dad angry.

I'm now in a job I think I am in because my parents told me to do something that earns a lot of money. I don't think my job makes me miserable but equally it doesn't make me happy.

My ex used to tell me how if I had a different personality I'd be the perfect girl. He used to pinch me when I did something that he found embarrassing in public. My current DH seems to like my personality (usually features in things he likes about me: intelligence, empathy to animals, ambition) but he, too, refers to faults in my personality. For example, I have some MH issues (diagnosed and in treatment) and has before referred to me as that stupid 'lad' thing of almost a unicorn (hot crazy girl scale - essentially saying I am really hot but just a little too crazy to be a unicorn) but this was when we were a lot younger and immature.

I suppose I don't know my personality. I am so entwined with DH that we have the same mannerisms and jokes. I don't know if I even find the things I laugh at funny or if I have become preconditioned to it. I notice I make jokes at work to make people laugh which really isn't my humour and I feel stupid doing it when it doesn't get a laugh.

I genuinely don't know who I am. Has anyone been in this position before?

I'm 26 and I don't want this to continue being an issue. I am trying to 'change my life' to be happier and I have begun going to the gym a lot. I am enjoying this because it is healthy and a good thing to do, I am not sure if I INTRINSICALLY enjoy it. Like I drink coffee because I was told to and it was a social thing, but I don't know how much I enjoy it (now need it to function so that's great!)

Get your arse to a therapist. You are far too focused on others and will need help to unlearn it.

@lilmishap

Get your arse to a therapist. You are far too focused on others and will need help to unlearn it.

Yep!

It's a tale as old as time, childhood meant you being the good, non-conflict-causing child has stayed embedded in your brain. And now you don't know what's you and what's 'keeping the people around you happy'.

I'm not dismissing it - I've been there! - but it's really common. Therapy helps. It also helps to know that you don't have to be one, 'set' person who never changes - it's okay if your likes and dislikes shift to include those of your partner or friends, as long as you do actually like them. Therapy will helps balance listening to yourself (so you know if you actually like things and aren't just doing them to make other people happy or like you) and also not forcing yourself to define Who You Are as a set thing, because that's not healthy either.

I empathise - I've always been envious of people who are so absolutely themselves that you could know precisely what they would like or dislike, how they'd react, what they'd say. I am still, in some ways, a different person with one group of friends than I am with another and I feel like a weird chameleon, trying to be 1000 different people all the time.

But over the years I've learned to not be amenable 100% of the time, to say no to things or people, to express when something isn't what I want, to have an opinion without being terrified it'll mean someone won't like me. And you carve out bits of 'you' for yourself like that! Allow yourself to be 'unlikeable' and not 'perfect' for every single person you interact with - it's less exhausting, and you will start to find what's actually you in amongst it all.

Finding Your North Star by Martha Beck is about exactly this.

Warning: it has a LOT of woo stuff. I picked through it and did some of the exercises and found them massively helpful.

I also took the MBTI which helped me understand the things about me that people like to criticise or try to change about me, and understand how to live and let live for myself not just for others.

I’ve been there. During childhood, teenhood and in my early 20s in a terrible relationship. Didn’t become the real me until mid 20s. Nothing really changed except I got out of a shitty relationship and met someone (DH) who always let me be me right from the start.

thank you for your help. I have been to therapy and we discussed this which is why I am aware. I just don't know how to unlearn the behaviours.

@spookysoul did you do anything in particular to realise who you were?

@happinesscherries I honestly can’t remember any specific thing. It was just a case of finally being at a point in my life where I wasn’t trying to please anyone else, aka parents or boyfriend. I suppose confidence was a big thing, I didn’t have any before so could never just be myself.

Is this just a stealth brag about being intelligent and hot?

How do you spend your time when you are alone, no one is watching, etc. If you had a week to yourself with no work and just yourself to entertain, what would you do?

It is a form of imposter syndrome.
Counselling will help unravel your past.
Been a people pleaser isn't a terrible thing as long as they take advantage by mistaken kindness for weakness.
I enjoy making people happy if they're nice people.

@ThrobbingToothacheOfTheMind I’m now chubby and aged so most definitely not. Maybe not being as attractive anymore is why I’ve realised??

However, I am not intelligent, I am good at exams and revised a fuck ton.

@2021s I tend to watch tv, I like watching Netflix. I don’t feel comfortable until DH is home though and around me. I am most relaxed when we are together and not on any form of technical device.
I hate technology.

To me it sounds like your problems stem from being what my Mam calls 'a bad chooser'.

Your ex told you he only liked you because of what you looked like and pinched you to punish you. And your husband dissects your personality and critiques the parts he doesn't like and praises the parts he does like as if you were a lab rat.

@happinesscherries ignore @ThrobbingToothacheOfTheMind ridiculous catty uncalled for comment some people are very grumpy.