OK I firstly want to say I'm incredibly embarrassed having to resort to airing something so personal online to strangers but at this point I am at my wits end about this and I'm unsure if I'm being unreasonable as my partner suggests. There's much more to my relationship than people know. It is controlling so I've no idea if this is another form of control or manipulation or if he really completely in the right. So I've had to resort to this.
When I was 16 my step father groped my breast one night. It has only happened on this one occasion. I remember the night very well. My mum and step dad were having few drinks with our next door neighbours, he came back into the house at some point to get something and I called him upstairs. There was a conversation about our family dog as the dog was going berserk that night. As I was standing looking out my bedroom window my step dad approached me from the back and put his arms round me, he was saying things about how proud he is of his family, and about me and his relationship which I'll give you some insight into shortly. But when he had his arms round me one of his hands was on my breast for about 2-3 seconds. I immediately felt uncomfortable. But honestly in that moment I don't even think he realised it. But I did and questioned it alot of while.. Told myself if anything like that happened again I would inform my mum. But it didn't. I never brought it up to him as I was embarrassed plus I just felt uncomfortable bringing it up and also because I was so unsure if it was an accident or not. He was bladdered that night, no excuse I know and I'm not making excuses but it was something that happened so quickly that I wondered had I imagined it, along with the fact I never ever had that happen again and I'm 36 now!
My step dad came along when I was about 3. He has been my dad ever since. He's always been so good to me and despite having 2 kids of his own with my mum I was never treated any differently. This man has been there for me through thick and thin whilst my real dad never wanted to know, still doesn't! He has been a great dad. I've never went without and I know he always has my and my brother & sisters backs. He's a good man! I consider him my father hate using the term step dad as he has reared me my entire life!
So fast forward now.. Ive been with my partner 18 years and we now have kids together.
My partner unfortunately suffered sexual abuse from a family friend for a number of years. It affected him a lot. He used alcohol as a coping mechanism. After quite a few years together I became fed up with the crap I had to deal with when he was drunk. He would fight with people all the time, get arrested etc. He would go out drinking all day then come home and trash our home and belittle me. Honestly I was so berated at times with his behaviour and his words. So one night after hours of drinking he arrived home and the usual happened where he would destroy our home. I specifically remember he was punching holes in our wall when I screamed at him that his behaviour was unacceptable and that he csnt keep using drink to fix his issues. Then I used the expression I've had something similar happen which he then wanted to know all about. I told him. I also explained how i let it go as I was unsure if my dad meant to do what he did and the fact I never experienced it again.
But it was too late he already made assumptions about it. He ended up walking out on me to drink again! I packed my bags that night and decided enough was enough and stayed with a friend.
Because of that I wasn't home when he returned and had switched my phone off. I woke up to find lots of missed calls and a voice message telling me if I didn't get home straight away he was going to inform my mum.... which he did do at 4am that morning. It obviously left her distraught.
Skipping forward again to now, this has obviously had an effect on my mum and dad's relationship. My dad swears he cant remember that night let alone putting his hand on me. I truly believe him. We all managed to move on until I had my boys who were born a year apart from each other. Had my first son and things were ok until I discovered I was pregnant again. 4 months into that pregnancy my partner told me I wasn't allowed to let my father round them unless he was in our company. This obviously put me in a shitty situation. These are the only grandchildren on my side. My mum and dad love my kids so much and they Brought so much joy into their lives. So to tell them this was gonna break them. After a while I did indeed have to tell them because I couldn't hide it anymore. It has had a devastating effect on my family. My boys are 3 &4 now and even they are asking me questions about why do we not see granny and granda without daddy being there. They ask to go and see my parents everyday and I have to make excuse to them.
my parents and siblings were all I had left after losing all my friends as my partner didn't like them. So they are all I have. I have begged and I mean begged my partner to change his mind as I'm struggling on my own and not being able to do simple things like visit my mum and dad for a cuppa or make memories with them and the kids.
He refuses to change his mind and speaks to me like I'm disgusting for wanting to put my children in danger.
I've even said that despite me trusting my dad the kids would never be on their own I will always be there with them and I'd never allow my dad to be on his own with them so he knew they were safe.
He still refuses. My family hate him, they see the suffering I am going through and I feel so lonely and isolated. It's hard for me to manage the kids our and about on my own so my mum and dad offer to help but because of the situation they know they can't otherwise my partner will kick off.
It has caused a lot of Fallings out with me and my boyfriend because I can never seem to put my side or feeling across to him about it all. I'm just dismissed and told if anyone else heard my story they would say he's completely in the right for not letting my kids see my dad without my boyfriend being there. Everytime we nearly split up over it all he's telling me he will inform social services etc and tell everyone what happened. I feel like I'm just being blackmailed all the time. I'm so lonely and have no one else yo discuss this with. I regularly have to hear about what a "bad man" my dad is snd he's a pedophile etc... Because there's so much arguments about it all my partner has told me it's disgusting that I refuse to take his side on it all and tell me I'm weird because I tell my dad I love him, hug him etc I feel like I'm going insane with everything my partner is telling me. He's telling me I'm deluded that I'm able to let this go and that I want him round my kids (again under my supervision) He just makes me feel like I'm a terrible human being. He won't listen to how this all makes me feel.
Is he right? Am I being unreasonable? I understand he has his issues due to his own trauma but he's putting so much of it onto me and the kids,I'm finding it hard to cope. I've been suicidal over all of this and I'm terrified of his black mail because I automatically know people will say he's right without knowing my version of events. I would never put my kids in danger