For not agreeing to shared care of an infant?

[Silverchamber]

Posted in parenting but only one person replied.

Context: married for 7 years, together for 10. Ended terribly. Very bitter from both sides. Pregnant with dc2, ds was 5.

STBXH repeatedly told me to terminate the planned pregnancy of our daughter. He is now pushing heavily for shared care 5050. He has never lived with her and does not have involvement with day to day parenting. I keep him up do date of appointments, mile stones etc. Send him photos. Has contact twice a week away from my home now she is 11 months old. This has been built up over several months. We attempted visits in my home but it was awful due to his attitude and the way he spoke to me. He would sit with the eldest and play xbox whilst the small one screamed with reflux.

Overnights of the baby will start in the next few weeks. Mainly has his parents take care of her when he has both children..has older dc 5/14 nights and wants more. Does not take dc anywhere, not the park, or to extra curricular like swimming or cubs or even birthday parties they're invited to on his days. I know I can't control what he does on his time, I'm not trying to, but I'm allowed the opinion that this isn't good enough. I work 4 days a week, and still manage to get my eldest to swimming and judo and cubs whilst tagging the youngest along.

Hes putting a lot of pressure on me to give him shared care of both as of immediately. Has threatened court which to be honest I'll welcome at this point.

He is so unpleasant at all drop offs. Dismissive and rude and superior. He treats the kids very differently and it's very clear he favours our eldest buying little treats and big toys etc for one and not the other. I don't know what to do. She doesn't nap with him at all, there's no cot or buggy at his for her and he's overdosed her on ibuprofen during teething. A million other concerns like car seat safety and winter coats, she's freezing as not adequately dressed in the things I send her with etc, the lack of any stimulation or fresh air in his time.

AIBU in resisting fully shared care of an infant? She knows him, the contact is building and I don't use them as a weapon as much as he says I do. I just feel a baby needs a base, as well as building relationships away from that.

Any experience?

Yanbu he soundsike a useless twat. Keep records of everything, speak to a lawyer if you can and let him take you to court.

My friend went through similar recently. Oy one child though and no concerns about the child's welfare while with his dad really, he was just an abusive twat to her. He went in completely confident he would get 50/50 and 2 consecutive weeks during holidays. He was given a real dressing down in court and walked away with less than half the access he wanted.

Don’t send the baby at all. A man like this should not be having overnights with a baby, full stop. Document your reasons.

Don’t increase contact with your elder one at all. I know he’s treating him well at the moment, from what your say, but he seems to volitile to rely on this.

If you haven't got a solicitor, can you get one?

Or wait till he takes you to court.

Omg no way how awful! Does he only want 50/50 so he doesn't need to pay maintenance? I've heard that's a thing but not too sure.

Thanks for your responses.

I do have a solicitor, for a while we only communicated through them. It's a long expensive process and she's not all that helpful tbh.

I'm not sure I have a concrete reason to stop the overnights to be honest. I'm worried the court will see me as obstructive if I stop them.

He does turn up for them and pays me maintenance. I think it's more a difference in parenting style.

But the shared care resistance is exhausting. But its the right thing to do for now right?

Can you not keep a diary I.e 15th Nov 4 degrees child did not have coat, ex refused to put it on. 16th Nov ex explained he doesn't have a buggy and doesn't intend to get one- this means he doesn't take DD out at all. I dont know,I hope that makes sense and would give a judge a good load of evidence to work on.

I did keep a diary when he was first taking my son, but honestly it just made me angry and frustrated. I can't imagine any one is going to sit and read two years worth of this stuff. He's not purposely abusive or harmful to them, just a bit shit.

I do not want them to have no contact with him, or interfere in their relationship but also I can't do all of the boring parenting stuff in half their time either. He's just so angry and bitter about it, and it's been 18 months so this is unlikely to change.

First step before court is mediation, if you are willing to go then all these concerns can be raised and they'll likely side with you from what you've said!!! Second if it goes to court cafcass will do a safeguarding assessment where you can raise all these concerns!!!! No way would be her 50/50 of an 11 month old, doesn't sound like he can look after himself never mind a baby

@busterbates the younger child will be about 22 months by now.

I think with a parent like your ex I would want youngest DC to at least be old enough to tell me (and him) if they were cold/hungry/upset before considering any more than the bare minimum contact. He's neglectful from what you've posted and I would carry on with the diary if I were you, I think it would be taken into account by the court.

Does he just want shared care to avoid CS?

What a wanker.

No real advice but yuk, what an arsehole.

This thread is nearly a year old.

FFS I HATE ZOMBIES