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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner and I want different things

23 replies

probablynotthesame · 14/11/2021 18:33

AIBU to stay with DP even though I absolutely 100% want another child but he doesn't want any!

Background... I was a single parent due to DV, biological father has nothing to to do with DC through his own choice. I was single for three years before starting a relationship with DP, who is a friend turned BF ( we've know each other for a few years, worked together, and been in a relationship for three years)

He's the perfect step parent and partner, has altered his working pattern to accommodate school runs/ takes DC to clubs/cares for DC like genuinely e.g if he wakes in the night...he's basically a father and does what a biological father should do. He's also a great partner, treats me equally and with respect, accepts my flaws and is my biggest supporter. Of course he can annoy me but it's literally just general usual stuff he's not a bad person and he's the right person for me...however....,.

I really want another child, he doesn't. What do I do?? I'm mid 30's so I'm surrounded by people having 1st/2nd and even 3rd babies and it literally breaks my heart every single time. There's NO budging on his part he's said we would have to separate if it's a deal breaker for me.

Now to give him some credit when we originally got together I said no to more children (I felt I had to come to terms with this as I had left a DV relationship and didn't know if I would ever find anyone again) and yes to marriage which he agreed to which is why we continued with developing our relationship. BUT I've changed my mind...he hasn't!

So what do I do?? Can I really walk away from a perfect relationship and step father to my child for the ???possibility of another child?

How do I deal with this grief I feel EVERY SINGLE DAY

Thank you if you've read this far.

OP posts:

Udouhun · 14/11/2021 18:46

You either accept his decision and stay or don't and leave. There's no meet in the middle in this situation. I was in a similarish but not exactly the same situation. My dh has never been too bothered about a 2nd child. Ultimately I love him and the dc I have so no way would I go chasing after something. I didn't want to break up our family and a couple of years later I know I did the right thing. Our little unit is amazing. Only you can decide though.

thepeopleversuswork · 14/11/2021 18:57

If having another child is the most important thing then you have to leave.

Personally, if I already had multiple DC and a good relationship with a man who has stepped up as stepfather (and these men are a fairly rare commodity) I would probably be happy with that and not throw this away for a theoretical child.

But I know some people really yearn for more children in a way which I didn't really. You have to come to a decision about what is more important to you: this relationship or another child. You clearly can't have both.

billy1966 · 14/11/2021 19:56

I think you need to accept that he has been honest from the beginning and has no wish for a biological child.

That is his choice.

Accept it or move on.

Sadiequeenofscots · 14/11/2021 20:11

The difficulty is, you might walk away from this relationship and not find someone else who you want to have a baby with.

If you were child free I would say walk away. But you have DC already - I think in your situation I would stay.

Darkstar4855 · 14/11/2021 20:20

I think you have to factor in that you would be essentially taking away your son’s father in order to have another child. I would think very carefully about how your son will feel about that, both now and later.

I know it’s hard, I was desperate for a second but then my partner developed health problems and felt like he could no longer cope with another baby. You do get used to it though.

DroopyClematis · 14/11/2021 20:21

Accept his decision or leave. There's no compromise here.

Original poster

probablynotthesame · 14/11/2021 20:25

@Darkstar4855

I know it’s hard, I was desperate for a second but then my partner developed health problems and felt like he could no longer cope with another baby. You do get used to it though.

Exactly this, I wouldn't wish this in my DC, he adores my partner and feels settled and safe. I grew up in a very nuclear family and anguish over not being able to provide this stability to DC

OP posts:

MsAnnFrope · 14/11/2021 20:25

Find a good therapist to work with on why you feel you desperately must have another baby, potentially at the expense of what sounds like a happy family set up.
For health reasons I could only have one child. It was hard but I found S ways to accept it and enjoy what I have. If I were you I’d be making efforts toward that before leaving this relationship. If you really can’t live without more children then you will need to separate as your DP has made very clear.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/11/2021 20:28

I wouldn’t do it to my child- you have clearly both been through a lot, now things sound happy and stable, I’d stay and cope with the fact you have 1 child. There’s no guarantees either, you could leave and fall in love with an infertile man, an asshole, someone who wants kids but shows no interest in raising them.

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/11/2021 20:29

From what you've said I'd suggest counselling for you focusing on accepting having no more children.

What are the chances you would meet another man who would be as good a step-parent to your son, who wants a child and you getting pregnant in the next few years?

Nothing is guaranteed in this life, this man sounds fantastic. So many partners, fathers and step-fathers on here are lacking what what you have.

Salayes · 14/11/2021 20:33

I think you need to focus more on what you do have and not on what you don’t have. You’re clearly a strong woman to have survived DV and you have a son you adore and a man who you describe as right for you and the perfect father figure to your son. That’s amazing. Could you truly risk all this for a maybe? Because if not you love what you have now more than you long for what you lack in a potential second baby.

ObnoxiousFeminist · 14/11/2021 20:36

I’d rather stay with a stable, lovely man and have no more DC than risk having another with a total arsehole.

Valeriane · 14/11/2021 20:37

You have a child and a wonderful man.

Personally I would count my blessings and stay. Walking away is a risk.

However there's also a risk that 10 years down the line he leaves you and you didnt have that other child.

HOWEVER there is also a risk, considering you didnt want anymore before, that this is just a panic phase response to the idea that you're getting older. You might walk away from the relationship and actually 2 years down the line you havent met anyone else who is good enough to have a kid with, or it turns out you actually dont want another kid after all, or you cant in fact have another child.

Lots to think about and there is no right answer.

PinkMochi · 14/11/2021 21:15

I always feel sorry for the existing dc when I read these kind of threads. The fact their existence isn’t enough to make their mother feel content.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/11/2021 21:21

@PinkMochi

I always feel sorry for the existing dc when I read these kind of threads. The fact their existence isn’t enough to make their mother feel content.

That’s a horrible comment and something you therefore think of anyone with more than 1 child!

Original poster

probablynotthesame · 14/11/2021 21:37

I absolutely love my DC and feel grateful everyday that he is happy/healthy and in my life, however I also feel I have this overwhelming feeling of love for another child. That doesn't detract away from being whole heartedly content with my DC now I just can't seem to shake this feeling, it is with me constantly, and like I said being the age I am I'm surrounded by my friends extending their families and as happy as I am for them which I really am, it hurts to know I won't ever be in that situation again. BUT I appreciate everything g I do have so it seems like a no win Situation for me

OP posts:

PinkMochi · 14/11/2021 21:48

@OnlyFoolsnMothers my comment only applies to people who are prepared to break up a genuinely happy family just because they want more dc and the other doesn’t. That dc will know that their parents split up because one parent was not satisfied with the dc they already have.

My comment does not apply to situations when both members of a happy couple genuinely want more dc.

FreedomFaith · 14/11/2021 22:06

I think you'd be nuts to break up the family you have, remove another father figure from your child's life, all for the possibility of another child. You may not have another child, you may not even find another guy willing to take on another man's child. So then you're single and alone for a long time, with no second child and a child who will eventually figure out the reason for the loss of his stepdad.

It's a bloody big risk to take. Your decision though.

LuaDipa · 15/11/2021 05:47

I really longed for a third child and I still feel sad that I never got to have one, but my priority had to be my existing dc. I completely understand the feelings you are having but I would not split up a loving settled family for another child. I would just seek help to accept that it’s not meant to be.

Mistyplanet · 15/11/2021 06:36

I think you just have to accept you cant have everything you want in life no matter how badly you want it. At mid 30s i wouldnt consider leaving a partner for another child as I consider that fairly late to have a child. I have an older mother myself (40 years when she had me ) and I wished she was younger and could relate to me more. Each situation is different but youd only have 5 or so years to find someone else and its unlikely youd be able to find someone as good as a father to your other son in that space of time. Theyd probably come with their own baggage to like step children. Sounds complicated.

Mistyplanet · 15/11/2021 06:40

Also for practical advice if you want to get over that feeling i think you need to find yourself another focus and limit the time you spend around pregnant friends / family with new babies. Dont look at pictures of newbabies etc on instagram or anything like that as it can make anyone feel broody!

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 15/11/2021 06:52

Sometimes in life you need to count your blessings and accept your lot. You have a child and a lovely man and a good life. Those are great things. What other people are doing is nothing to do with you.

Skysblue · 15/11/2021 11:11

If you were min-twenties, I’d say definitely wall away and look for someone else who wants what you want.

But the harsh truth is that by your mid-thirties, it is very unlikely that you will get over him, meet someone else, date for a while and settle down, in time for you to conceive naturally. You might! But probably not. Bluntly put, there’s very little time left. If you leave him, it’s unlikely this will result in you being able to have another baby.

I’m so very sorry. I know that grief.

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