To think dh should take some responsibility for once?

[Alwaysmyresponsibility]

Backstory is dh works full time, I work part time. Dhs job can be rather unpredictable hours. Some of this genuinely can't be helped it's the nature of the line of work and location, but some of it is lack of organisation and an unwillingness on his part to ask for any flexibility.

Because of this I've always worked part time. Dh can't/won't/never has do any of the drop offs/pick ups even from wrap around childcare. He's never around for any of the after school hobbies, school events. Anything really.

There's a day coming up in a few weeks where one of the dc has a medical appointment so the other dc will need to be collected from after school club.

I've asked dh to finish work early that day and he's saying that he doesn't know if he can. Came up with a load of stuff about not knowing what he will be doing and how his work are clamping down on that kind of thing.

I lost all patience and told him that he will just have to let his employer know that he will have to be working at base that day and he has a childcare issue and needs to finish early.

I don't believe for a second that his boss would have a problem. Dh is a good and valued worker.

I'm so pissed off with dh thinking he is exempt from any kind of responsibility.

No, YANBU.
This kind of thing annoys me, hiding behind his "I'm a man and therefore more important" shit.

This is really annoying. I have a friend whose husband is exactly the same. He WFH at least 3 times a week and cannot drop his children off at school on these days, even though he'll be home from the school run 15 minutes before school starts because his work is FAR too important. The problem is that the women (his wife and MIL) enable this and he gets away with doing fuck all.

You’ve obviously let him get away with it for far too long!

I’d read him the riot act and point out his children actually have two parents.

If he can't guarantee he'll be able to get out of work in time to do pick ups, he should take a half day and do the medical appointment, let him choose which one inconveniences his work more?

If the medical appointment was during your working hours what would he expect you to do? Take annual leave? Flexi time? Arrange to work the time later in the day?

He should do the same.

How does he expect you to be in two places at once?

YABU for putting up with his shit until now.

Presumably it's you who does sick days with the kids etc too?

Lots of men are afraid to ask for flexibility at work, and they hide behind saying work won't let them. In fact, though, I believe there have been various studies that show that married men who are involved in their family life, eg school runs etc actually progress the most at work and (very annoyingly because the same is not true for working women) garner "respect" for their fabulous parenting (can you tell I find this massive double standard most irritating?!) . Anyway, the point is he needs to step up and ask for that flexibility - this situation is surely going to crop up many times in the coming years?

Men like this make my blood boil. Presumably the decision to have children was a joint one, so it is infuriating when the male parent simply abdicates responsibility.

I'd think carefully about how you can best deal with this. Unfortunately these men rarely change. There is always a risk that, at some point down the line, something breaks the camel's back and you end up throwing in the towel.

At which point you realise that, because he was able to life his life largely like a single man, you have much less of a career than he does, less earning power, less pension savings etc.

I don't know what the answer is, especially retrospectively, but forewarned is forearmed. Hopefully.

What everyone else said. Plus, it's a few weeks away so he's got plenty of notice.

I would make it clear though that if he messes about and doesn't sort this, it will be on him and from here on he needs to make more effort. This is a line you're drawing now.

Its time to put your foot down. Men lile this do what they get away with unfortunately.

I've always put up with it because I do understand that his job involves travelling all over the place. He generally gets sent off to jobs with only a few days or even hours notice.

But the way I see it is if he gives a few weeks notice there's no reason they cannot arrange things as a one off. There are days when he's not on a job so to speak he's at base prepping equipment. It's not like he has to do a set shift. It feels that he's making a right mug of me.

It stings because on top of this I regularly tolerate snide comments from in laws about poor dh working so hard, me spending dhs money, what I do and don't pay for, comparing me to sil who works full time. Dh never backs me up and points out all the running around that I do for our family.

He's going to have to sort it out as there is no other option. But it shouldn't be this much hard work. He's talking about ducking out early and hoping no one notices, why won't he just effing well tell them?

Dh never backs me up and points out all the running around that I do for our family.

He's a tosser OP.
I'd correct them every time they make a snide comment.

He’s entitled legally to annual leave. Just tell him he needs to use that.

Bloody ridiculous isn't it that men are like that. Such a deeply ingrained societal expectation.

Dh used to be terrible, never wanted to let anybody down. Took a few changes in our lives to make him realise that in not letting work down (perceived anyway) he was letting us down.

Anyway then the nature of my work became long shifts, shifts not being available very far in advance etc and he became the one doing the bulk of the childcare drop offs and pick ups and things changed. If there is a poorly child for example i can't work from home but he can so he will and keep an eye on the child.

Through covid he worked from home and supervised home school. Now he still works from home mostly and does the morning school run every day. Over last winter especially with schools shut etc he made a point of leading by example and showing flexibility. For instance when it snowed at the end of a meeting he would say that he was taking a long lunch and going out sledging. I don't mind admitting I'm pretty bloody proud of him, his actions help to change things.

It’s funny, my partner has a Very Important and well paid job (in comparison to me anyway!) and it’s BECAUSE of that that he does all sorts of dropping off and fetching jobs that seem to be “wife work” in other relationships. Because he’s valued and not tied to very strict hours (though basically works all the time!) he has an element of flexibility that my low paid very much by the clock job doesn’t have.
But then also, he’s not a dick and does more than his fair share.

Present him with a calendar with the dates circled where he has actually stepped up and been the second parent. Cheeky bloody bugger, isn’t he!!

He is being ridiculous. Let him handle how he takes the time off however he wants but make it clear to him that whatever arrangement he makes, your DC must be collected on time without any dramas or you will be seriously wondering if he is a commited partner/ parent.
Time for a few changes. On the days you are working he should deal with any ill children or appointments. He needs to tell your in laws in no uncertain terms that you work part time solely for his benefit and that he massively appreciates the sacrifice you are making. Every single time until they drop it. Or he needs to agree to you going to work full time whilst he takes on the majority of the running around after the kids and makes it fit in with his work.

Next time the inlaws make comments like that say "Yes I think I'll go full time. Good idea. Dh doesn't do any childcare at the moment, so he'll now have to do 50% on top of his work, it's a very good idea of yours MIL"

Tell him you understand that he can't just finish early, so he'll need to request a days' annual leave and take DC to the hospital so you can do the school run.

It's nothing to do with his job, and everything to do with him being a sexist twat who thinks 100% of this shit is your job.

I'd be reading him the riot act and telling him that unless he is willing to take on more of the parenting (of his own bloody children!) in the future, he can move out and see them every other weekend.

At least that way you won't have to live with the resentment of knowing he can help, he just won't.