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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I need to make yet another change?very low

27 replies

WhereTheFuck · 14/11/2021 15:13

My whole life has been turned upside down in the last 6 months. Basically to cut a long story short I was living in a nice apartment with my husband and little DDabroad in a country where I could afford a full time nanny, flying high in my career that I have been doing for 17 years (I'm a teacher). Then in May i found out my husband had been having an affair and he left me for the other woman. Subsequently my mum became ill and she passed away suddenly at the beginning of October before I could get back to the UK to see her, which feels so so fucking tragic and unfair. She didn't even meet DD who is 2, as we were unable to travel due to covid.

Now I am in the UK, staying in my dad's cramped little house as a single parent, with no job and nowhere to live. So things are already monumentally shit.

What's more, I have realised that I don't think I can physically work as a teacher, as I would need to be at work at the latest at 7.45 (was used to getting to work at 7.15) and there is no childcare available early enough unless I can afford a nanny, which I really can't. So it looks as though I will have to change career as well, at least for the moment while DD is little.

Am I wrong in this? How do other single parents do it? Feeling so low and anxious at the moment, I'm not in control of any part of my life..

OP posts:
Overthebow · 14/11/2021 15:16

Sorry that sounds so difficult for you. I don’t understand the childcare issue though, lots of childminders and nurseries do drops from 7.30 so find one near to school? I have lots of friends who are teachers with young children and they all do that with no issues.

Original poster
WhereTheFuck · 14/11/2021 15:19

Thanks for your reply..the thing is that I don't drive (can't due to a problem with my vision) so it makes it more difficult. It seems also that most local childminders only work from 8.. I haven't yet found any who start earlier, unless I am looking in the wrong places?

OP posts:
Europilgrim · 14/11/2021 15:22

Sorry if this is insensitive but is your dad around? Could he take her to nursery when it opens?

Overthebow · 14/11/2021 15:25

If you can’t drive that is more problematic. Look at nurseries local to the school, most nurseries do start from 7.30. Are there any within walking distance of the school? You might need to choose where you live and work carefully to make it work for you but it is possible.

oneglassandpuzzled · 14/11/2021 15:25

Could you pay a responsible teenager or student to mind her in the house for an hour and do nursery drop-off?

anon12345anon · 14/11/2021 15:54

Fucking hell, that is shit.....

Flowers for you....

Don't underestimate your strength. So sorry about your Mum. Your (ex) husband is a cunt. You just have to keep going, you'll find a way through these issues.
Take a step back, and look at how well you are doing after a monumentally shit time xx

Sowhatifiam · 14/11/2021 15:59

I have worked as a single parent and teacher for years now. It’s possible. You don’t need to be in school by 7:45. Just phone round childminders and ask. They might publicise an 8am start but be happy to take children earlier, particularly if regular work they can rely on. If you don’t ask, you’ll never know.

I would recommend supply in the first instance. You will need to sign up to several agencies - they are crying out for new blood at the minute. You can turn down work that is too far, don’t worry about that. Accept anything you can get to in the first instance - TA, HLTA or CS positions. Just get your foot through the door and start proving you can do it. Honestly, lots of schools struggle to recruit - I am in an independent school now permanently following a stint on supply. It’s been 5 years!

It is hard when your life has been turned upside down and can feel out of control but you can regain the control bit by bit.

NoSquirrels · 14/11/2021 16:06

Why do you think you need to be at work by 7.45 latest if you haven’t even found a position yet? In most schools barring staff meetings early then you’d need to be in by e.g. 8.10-8.15.

As a PP says, childminders will often accept an early drop-off - they may not advertise it as such but our childminder was open for business from 7.30am and would take as early as 6.30 if needed. It’s about establishing a working relationship.

Things won’t necessarily be ideal but they’ll be good enough.

NoSquirrels · 14/11/2021 16:10

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum Flowers

Pinkflipflop85 · 14/11/2021 16:10

Why do you need to be in at 7.45?

Most people in our school get in between 8 and 8.20. 8.30 is the latest we can be in.

It just means being super organised the evening before and having everything ready for the next day.

As for childcare. Ask around. Lots of childminders start from 7.30 (some earlier). There are also nurseries/minders who will do an earlier drop off for a small fee

Szyz2020 · 14/11/2021 16:12

What is your ex husband contributing financially?

Original poster
WhereTheFuck · 14/11/2021 16:44

Thanks for replies. To answer some questions - my ex is contributing a decent amount per month, enough to cover childcare for about 10 hours a day. My dad can't help as he is 83 and not really able to look after DD on his own at all. And I have honestly never got to work later than 7.45 in 17 years of teaching.. In most schools I have been in, we have been expected to get in by 8.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhereTheFuck · 14/11/2021 16:46

That's interesting about the early drop offs - I'll have to look into that, thanks

OP posts:
EishetChayil · 14/11/2021 16:47

Could you go back to your job abroad?

Original poster
WhereTheFuck · 14/11/2021 16:49

I did consider it @EishetChayil but my dad would be heartbroken, I'm an only child and he is struggling without my mum

OP posts:
CristinaYangismySpiritAnimal · 14/11/2021 16:52

I’m an office manager in a primary school, starting at 8am, and it’s unusual for any teachers to be in before me in the morning. In fact we have one who is never in before 8.30.

Sorry for the year you’ve had, it sounds hideous.

Tailendofsummer · 14/11/2021 16:53

Schools can expect all they want but they can't enforce you being there well in advance of your start time! Dh teaches and he arrives 5 minutes before the start. But can stay later if he needs to (or do work from home). It's a bit fatalistic to say it's impossible. (Though it is bloody hard obviously - and I'm very sorry for the loss of your mother).

Original poster
WhereTheFuck · 14/11/2021 16:54

I am not sure but I think that secondary teachers are typically in earlier, maybe because the students start earlier? At my last school the day started at 8.15.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhereTheFuck · 14/11/2021 16:57

Sorry, to clarify, our contracted start time was 8.

OP posts:
Tailendofsummer · 14/11/2021 17:01

You could find out the times for your local schools. Here secondaries start at around 8.30. Staff can come in any time before that, as long as they are ready to start.

HugeAckmansWife · 14/11/2021 17:19

Secondary teacher single parent here. Yes it's doable. Drop off at childcare 7 45, in for about 8.15-20. Yes you need to be organised. Work smart, not long. Depends a bit on your subject but honestly, it's v rare I take work home. You've been through the mill, there's no doubt, but you can do this.

AttaGirrrrl · 14/11/2021 17:42

That all sounds absolutely crap and I’m not surprised you feel so low. I’m sorry you’ve had so much happen to you Flowers

I think it would be short sighted not to get a teaching job now though (keep hold of that future income, job prospects, pension, etc). You just need to do it differently than you used to: use childcare (many, many teachers drop off at 8 then dash to work; you won’t be the only one in any school); swap to working at home once DD is asleep instead of doing longer days at school (again, you won’t be the only one leaving before 5); consider working four days per week and/or not applying for TLRs until DD is older.

Alternatively: rent your own home then set up as a childminder? Start tutoring? (Maybe in the evenings when your dad can look after DD? Or check local AP providers to see if they have short term work available?) Get a job as a cover supervisor (or PPA cover if primary) so that your planning/marking is minimal?

Good luck

Coffeesnob11 · 14/11/2021 17:56

The nursery my son goes to accepts children from 7 which is great for me as I commute to London. I would check local nurseries and ask childminders. Schools are often attached to nurseries that do breakfast clubs and post school clubs as well as normal nursery services so it might be worth looking of you get an interview somewhere.

Dishwashersaurous · 14/11/2021 19:09

If you are now in uk then honestly double check school start times. Almost all of them are 8.45 for pupils so most teachers are in between 8 and 8.30.

So if you get a local childminders to the school, drop at 8 in and ten past no problem at all.

Pinkflask · 14/11/2021 19:14

If you are in a shortage subject you might be able to negotiate your timetable- I knew someone who worked 0.9 over 5 days so as not to have a form group so that she could do the school run every morning. What she lost in pay she saved in childcare costs.