To ask for help? And if so how should I do it?

[Livingtothefull]

I have an adult DS with severe physical and learning difficulties. I have to care for him over the weekends when he is at home, so we are never off duty. I will be up at 5:30am tomorrow as usual to help get him ready for his residential centre, then head off to work.

DH & I both care for him. However, DH has just been diagnosed with a progressive condition so although he is OK to continue for now, we don't know what the future holds.

I have a full-time job which I do value however at the moment I am finding it really challenging. I can't leave or cut my hours for financial reasons also because I do want to continue to work.

I am currently finding it stressful though, not just because of the volume of work but because I often feel put in a position of being expected to provide answers but not having the advice and leadership to support me. I have raised concerns about this but nothing changes.

Some of the communications I have been receiving from colleagues have been quite harsh and aggressive, and I feel I just don't have the resilience to cope with that as I usually have.

I took sick time earlier this year due to stress and feel that I can't take any more or questions may be asked about my competence for this role (they may be getting asked already for all I know).

I am feeling very fragile, don't know if I am at a point now where I should ask for help or whether that is going to backfire on me. I feel that I should be able to cope, that my problems are not that bad & a competent person should be able to take this in their stride....but I just feel overwhelmed right now and can't get headspace. I feel the smallest decisions are difficult at the moment and just need to find a way to a better place, that I can operate from a position of strength.

What do you think I should do in my shoes? Just carry on regardless, or anything else?

No wonder you’re feeling stressed if you never get a day off! Can you ask for some respite over the weekend to give you a break? It sounds like you’re running on empty and something has to give

What sector do you work in? Is there an option to change jobs if you don't think your current workplace is supportive? Having an employer who is flexible can make the world of difference.

Now is definitely the time to ask for help - is there a chance of getting some care help in over the weekend, or taking your son back on Sunday afternoon rather than Monday morning?

I read this as you asking if you should ask fot help at work - yes.

What's your relationship like with your line manager?

That sounds tough, OP. And yes you should ask for help both at work and in your private life. Can you access any counselling or support through work or your union? It might help having someone to talk things through with. And trying to get weekend respite might also help as it would give you some down time at the weekend which would help you prepare for the week ahead.

That does sound tough. I think you should speak to work about it, but first be clear in what it is you want them to agree to, e.g. fewer hours, different hours, less responsibility etc.

But mainly it sounds like you need help in your private life, from public services I mean.

Thank you all. I did have a chat with my boss today who was very supportive & is aware of what I am going through. I dearly want to ensure I can keep on top of the work and deal with the pressure as well as the demands of our personal situation.

There is some help from social services though it is a pity it can never be enough...respite can be hard to come by and we do need people that DS knows and who understand his needs.

I can access counselling through work so will follow up on this.

My advice is to contact your local carers support team (check your local Country Council website) and ask for a carers assessment. They will be able to give you advice and information that can help you. Some services around the country have their own employment and benefits advisors so its worth getting in touch with them. You may also be able to get in touch with other carers who can understand your situation. Caring is so hard and feels relentless, especially when you're trying to maintain a job too