Trying again

[Calicoqueen]

sensitive subject. Includes baby loss

I've had two premature babies which have unfortunately lead to neonatal deaths. One due to PPROM at 24 weeks and another due to a severe infection at 26 weeks leaving me in ICU for 3 weeks.
Both 3 years apart and completely unrelated.

I've been given the go ahead to be able to TTC again by my doctor so I've had a good discussion with DH (well it appeared to be a good discussion).
He has a child from a previous relationship and I have none. My biological clock is ticking and I'd love a baby of my own. He's stated he's more than happy to try again and he would love to have a child with me.
He went and bought OPKs, i started exercising again and started up my healthy diet and multivitamins.

I'm ovulating so I initiate DTD.
Afterwards he flips out saying I'm being selfish and we shouldn't be having a child due to the unfortunate events. He's saying my body isn't equipt for a child and I shouldn't be putting him through the pain of losing children.
He carried on to say I'm wrong in thinking a baby will replace my children on the bedside cabinet (urns) and I should stop trying.

I'm fuming. After he gave me such a clear green light in buying the OPKs and saying yes to trying again

I'm now sleeping on the sofa for the next few nights as he doesn't even want a cuddle.

AIBU?

Sorry to hear of your losses.

Neonatal means the first month after birth. Did you mean neonatal?

Ultimately, only you and your partner can work out a joint way forward. I’m sure you understand his reservations given what you’ve both been through.

You’ve said that the doctor hasn’t given you any indication that the losses were for an underlying reason and that your partner was initially happy to try again but now says he isn’t. More talking needed, sounds like he’s having a wobble, perhaps he’s simply worried about the impact on you (and himself). Talk to him, perhaps you can reach agreement for another try and compromise that there wouldn’t be more tries after this. TTC combined with devastating losses year on year is bound to have an impact on both your lives.

Good luck.

I am so sorry for your losses and what you've been through you must be feeling such a mix of things right now.

He said some horrible things, and maybe that's just unforgivable. It's okay to feel upset.

But I think you both have both been through some major, major trauma - as well as grieving the babies, he almost lost you too, and has probably been dealing with guilt and other feelings as well.

So I don't think this will have been him trying to trick you or something, but maybe he had a sort of panic attack once it was actually done and undoable in his head?

I say that because I had loads of mcs (we ended up without children). Pretty much every time after we actually did try again, I'd panic a bit. I'd internalise it rather than say it out loud because that's who I am, but I could easily see your partner suddenly panicking too.

Please don't just pull away: try and talk to each other and listen to how he feels and why he reacted like that?

How are you doing?

I’m so sorry for your losses and the callous way your H has categorised you as being unable to sustain a healthy pregnancy. He may be scared or worried etc but he’s showing it in an awful way, totally unacceptable.

You might get more useful and targeted replies if you ask for your thread to be moved to relationships or a more specific category rather than AIBU, and maybe put the subject in the title as many may assume this to be a trivial thread from the title, when you really need some support from experienced rainbow mums

I think you need to talk when your both calm. Could he be terrified for your health? Perhaps he struggled with the death of both babies but hasnt processed it.

It almost read like a fight or flight response from him op

I am sorry for your losses. What you're going through is not easy. Grieving comes in stages and I would say you need therapy and counseling in order to start the healing process.