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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why don't people do what they say they will do?

25 replies

KevinTheKoala · 13/11/2021 22:44

I know I am being unreasonable here because everyone does it and it's only me who seems to have a problem with it but I genuinely don't understand it. If you say you are going to have 1 drink then why don't you only have 1 drink - if you want more drinks that's fine but don't specify the 1 because then that changes the original plan. Also if you say you will leave in 5 minutes and then hang around for 20 minutes (just talking not actually dealing with unexpected problems) then why say you will leave in 5 minutes, why not just say you will leave soon? There are lots of other examples but I genuinley don't understand it and I know my reaction to these changes are abit weird but I can't put into words how bad they make me feel. I've always been like it so it's not a new thing it's always stressed me out and I know that's not really healthy. So this really isn't an AIBU but can anyone explain why so many people don't do what they say they are going to do, I genuinely don't mind so much if I'm not given a specific time/amount it's just when people say something specific then why don't they stick to it? And does anyone else feel the same or am I just a lone weirdo.

OP posts:

Concestor · 13/11/2021 22:47

Are you neurodiverse OP? I'm autistic and this is the kind of thing that I find it difficult to get my head around. Just wondering if maybe you are too?

LawnFever · 13/11/2021 22:48

I guess it depends if that person has promised they’ll be somewhere after one drink or five minutes?

If it doesn’t really matter they can change their mind and have 10 drinks or leave in 3 hours.

I’d only see it as an issue if they were letting someone down by not sticking to the origin plan.

Original poster

KevinTheKoala · 13/11/2021 22:53

I don't think I am, I've never been assessed but I've spoken to a few psychiatrists about things I struggle with and nobody's mentioned neurodiversity. One said I have BPD but I don't think that's a neurodiversity.

OP posts:

ToykotoLosAngeles · 13/11/2021 22:57

The only people I know who get worked up about this in general (as opposed to when it's an unreliable partner or friend who does it repeatedly) are neurodiverse.

The real answer is usually because they're saying what the person wants to hear. Example - adult at pub, partner phones from home with screaming baby, they say they'll be 5 minutes because they know if they say the truth of 30 minutes partner will kick off.

XenoBitch · 13/11/2021 23:00

Because we have 1 drink... it is fun and the company is good. So we feel like staying for another.

CheeseMmmm · 13/11/2021 23:00

These are just casual remarks and not necessarily firm. Throwaway. I'll just have one is often an aspiration they know they won't meet!

So I think understanding why others do it is not the issue sorry it's just standard.

Discomfort with things not being as advertised can be disconcerting to different levels for lots of people. And for some it's certain situations.

I am very 'rules driven' and rubbish with understanding that there is accepted leeway in some situations. This got really bad when I had anxiety.

My younger child gets really confused and aggravated when rules in school aren't adhered to etc.

For me and DD it's not a big impact just wanted to reassure that having various reactions around what is supposed/expected to happen and what actually happens is not unusual.

The situations you describe are very frequent and widely known things that are not to be taken literally.

As others have suggested it would be good to look into talking to someone etc.

CheeseMmmm · 13/11/2021 23:01

Don't worry about labels OP. Get some kind of support around this and any other similar things.

tallduckandhandsome · 13/11/2021 23:03

Because what we intend to do or think we should do is often different to what we can actually get the willpower / desire to do.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

JamMakingWannaBe · 13/11/2021 23:06

My OH is like this:
"I'll pick the apples this weekend"; "I'll change the bedsheets tomorrow"...
I've stopped believing anything he says because it's annoying AF. To me, if you say it - you do it. I am NT.

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 13/11/2021 23:33

My sibling is like you and we've come to the conclusion that routine gives her comfort. She likes to plan stuff in her head, or atleast likes a general plan of her day. Where as I don't find comfort in it, the opposite actually. I might meet my friend for 1 drink, have a great time and stay for more. Or I might mention that I'm leaving in 5, then stay chatting for another 20 because why not? I can change my mind at any point.

It would probably be easier if we didn't put a time limit etc on things but at the time i mean it then things change and it doesn't bother me. I've learnt to be more specific with my sibling as last time I asked her to come for dinner she turned up and sat at the kitchen table straight, I hadn't even started cooking yet and she said "but I'm here for dinner" 😂

SmellyTheSmeolaSmoteSmestika · 13/11/2021 23:57

@zurala

Are you neurodiverse OP? I'm autistic and this is the kind of thing that I find it difficult to get my head around. Just wondering if maybe you are too?

This is interesting. Was thinking the same...

CaptainThe95thRifles · 14/11/2021 13:30

I find this really frustrating when people do it to me because it messes up my idea of how things are going to go and how I'm going to deal with that.

But I'm also guilty of staying for 20 minutes when I said I'd leave after five, not because I necessarily want to stay longer but because I get "stuck" and lose the polite social exit I was looking for - someone starts saying something I think it would be rude to just say "ah yes, well I'm off now, bye!", so I find myself there later and later in an internal panic, desperately looking for an opportunity to flee. Ah, the horrors of socialising

Mistyplanet · 14/11/2021 14:29

Things dont always go to plan though. Being flexible is a gift you can give to others. In my family it's my mum who likes to have everything planned. I find it stifling to be honest. Add my 3 kids in the mix its just setting herself up for disappointment. People who cant be a minute late for things i cant understand either. Especially when it doesn't make any difference.

Original poster

KevinTheKoala · 14/11/2021 16:12

Honestly if I could be OK with being late for things then it would make my life alot easier, I don't like the stressed out feeling I get when I am late but I can't seem to stop worrying about it. I think because my mum and sister know what I'm like and make adjustments (e.g if Im going to my sisters for dinner she will say what we are doing for instance that we'll have some time for a catch up then will do dinner for around a certain time - but not the time for definite because it might not go to plan) that possibly makes it harder for me to cope when others don't stick to things maybe. Which is obviously wrong of me and I acknowledge that I do need to work on that.

OP posts:

BlackberrySky · 14/11/2021 16:33

I am struggling to understand why people need to "stick to the plan" if it doesn't really affect the situation? In the example you give, the catch up then dinner at x time, why does it upset things if dinner is actually a bit later? You're still having dinner and catching up with your family. I can see how people making material changes would be annoying, eg cancelling a meet up at very short notice, or saying they will drop something off and then not doing do. But if the overall outcome is the same then what's the problem?

Original poster

KevinTheKoala · 14/11/2021 16:43

I can't really explain it myself to be honest, it doesn't affect things in the grand scheme of things but if someone says a certain time and then it doesn't happen at that time I feel like I'm out of control and panicky, i get irritable and angry and panicky which is a very irrational and extreme reaction but at the same time I don't know how to not feel like that (as I said it would make life sooo much simpler if I could).

OP posts:

Vanishun · 14/11/2021 16:52

Autism is under diagnosed in women, and BPD is often misdiagnosed before a later autism diagnosis.

I'd recommend googling symptoms of autism in women OP and seeing if things fall into place a bit?

You might not be of course, but if you are, it might help you understand why some things bother you more than other people.

Vanishun · 14/11/2021 16:54

(I say that because the meltdown you describe around routines breaking down is really familiar.)

Speckledhem · 14/11/2021 17:07

Why do people have to assume people are on the spectrum for finding this kind of thing irritating? I’m NT and feel exactly the same, why on earth do people say one thing and then do another? I just don’t understand, and people who ignore text messages or emails then say they were busy?! We’re all busy, what’s that got to do with anything? Surely it’s down to prioritisation and time management?

And people who are persistently late then act like you’re unreasonable because you find it irritating.

Oh and don’t get me started on people who think saying they ‘forgot’ to do something is a reasonable excuse for being crap, if you can’t remember something write a note on your phone, it’s not difficult.

I also realise that people only want you to say what they want to hear, you’re not allowed to tell the truth, so I just say nothing now.

Vanishun · 14/11/2021 17:34

I'm suggesting it as a possibility because of the extreme reaction which seems to go beyond mild annoyance?

Rogue1001 · 14/11/2021 17:44

Read Watching the English.
It might be by kerry fox??

It explains some of this. For example, she says brits are TERRIBLE at saying goodbye

JamMakingWannaBe · 14/11/2021 21:06

Something broke in the house earlier. DH saw me struggling to fix it so said, "Leave it for now. I'll fix it tomorrow." £100 to the Royal British Legion if he does what he says.

Wavingnotdrown1ng · 14/11/2021 21:56

I have various ND family members and they are like this too- have real anxiety if ‘the plan’ isn’t followed and food-plans and info are very important to them. I do find it irritating sometimes but I also acknowledge that NTs expect ND people to conform to their patterns, even though this causes anxiety and meltdowns. There is rarely the reciprocal effort unless one is related to or works with ND people. Like PPs have noted, women and many on the spectrum who don’t have learning difficulties or who mask at great personal cost are often not diagnosed.

Walkingalot · 14/11/2021 22:19

I'm exactly the same. I was invited round for dinner. I asked what time and was told 1pm. I arrived 12.30 and they hadn't even put the meat in the oven! I almost lost the plot (internally). Had numerous issues with my ExDH. He never stuck to a plan. You'd think I'd get used to it but I never did. I am aware I take everything literally. I expect people to do as they say. Since having a DS with ASD, I get it now. It's like a penny dropped. Years ago I had to take him into town. He wanted to know what shops we would go into and I told him. Whilst out I remembered something else I had to get and told him we need to go into another shop. He screamed 'Mummy you lied to me!'. That's how I feel about people/situations a lot of the time but have learnt to bottle it. It's a very stressful way to live. Since deciding to be single, I am much more relaxed

blueshoes · 14/11/2021 22:54

I am NT. People who do what they say are like gold. I know who they are and give them a mental high five. It is not unreasonable to be annoyed at such flakiness but futile to work up a sweat.

My job involves project management i.e. relying on others to do things to a certain time frame to achieve a certain result. I automatically set chasers when I send out a request - that is how little I trust others to do what they say. Generally I am right. Those I don't have to chase I luff to bits.

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